Eight key questions to ask your mate -- and yourself
There
is something exhilarating about taking the big leap
from dating to becoming a
permanent "item" and making that final commitment. But before you run
off into the sunset with your mate, make sure that the time you choose
to commit is the right time -- and with the right person.
As
a
divorce attorney, I have found over the years that most couples who
wind up splitting do so because there are discrepancies or control
issues over what I term the "Big Six." These six categories include:
wealth/property and money; children; health, physical and mental;
growth, professional and personal; intimacy and loss of love; and fear,
both physical and emotional. I ask my clients to take a close look at
each of these categories to determine if there are major conflicts, not
only with his or her chosen mate but also conflicts within
themselves.
Have you found the right
person? Is it the right time? Here are eight key questions to ask your
mate -- and yourself. The answers will be very telling.
1.
How do you believe we should spend our money and on
what? If your mate says, "On fun stuff and we'll get
to the bills later," you better reconsider going the commitment route
until your mate grows up a bit. Most marriages and long-term
relationships break up due to stresses and squabbles over money. Splits
happen when a couple's values in spending and saving simply do not
match. Don't overlook this question. It is critical in determining
whether you or your mate are a match and whether you are both ready for
a mature relationship -- one that requires fiscal
responsibility.
2. What are
your thoughts about starting a family? If your mate
says, "This is not something I can even think about right now," do not
ignore that remark. It could be that your mate will put this decision
off longer than you wish or one day stand up and announce, "I've
decided against having children." You also need to be honest with
yourself. Do you want children? Let your mate know this up front. You
may also want to ask your mate about his/her point of view on how the
children should be raised. If there are huge discrepancies in this
department, there are bound to be serious problems down the
road.
3. If I get sick,
how will you take care of me? If your mate laughs off
such a question with, "How do I know? I'll figure it out then," you
should take that offhanded remark as a serious indicator that your mate
might not be grown up enough to handle your critical needs. There is a
way to test this one: How does your mate treat you when you get sick
with the flu? Also, if you know deep down that you would not have the
patience or fortitude to care for an ailing mate, be fair and let
him/her know of your concerns. Who needs someone in his/her life who is
only there for the good times?
4.
Do you envision us growing old together? If your mate
quips, "How the heck do I know, that is a long way off" or "I guess
so," neither answer should satisfy you. To suggest that you or your
mate is uncertain of your eventual fate together -- or cannot envision
those "golden" years as a couple -- should be a neon sign with bright
red lights that flash, "This may only be temporary." Commitments should
be thought of as permanent, not temporary.
5.
Do you ever think about your ex? If the answer from
your mate is "Well, I do sometimes," then you want to ask the next
question: "In what context?" If your mate shares stories about the fun they used to have together, this could
mean your mate is not over his or her last love. And what about you? Do
you still think about your ex? When? How? I highly recommend backing
off the commitment stage until you and your mate can safely say that
thoughts about your exes are fleeting or random.
6.
Has your mate ever told you they scared a former mate in any
way? If your mate's answer is something like "Well,
yeah, I scared my ex every time I became jealous or mad," step back and
think twice. Though your mate may think he/she is ready for a
commitment, it may not be the right time for one. If you have had
similar issues, the same may apply to you. Are you worried your mate
might cheat on you or keep secrets from you or inflict emotional or
physical harm on you? If the answer is yes, tackle this now, not after
you have made a commitment. Maybe you or your mate could benefit from
therapy, anger management, rehab, or other appropriate behavior
modification assistance.
7.
Is your mate good at problem solving? Does your mate
meet challenges head on and collaborate on solutions to problems, or
sweep issues under the rug? What about you? Are you mature enough to
approach your mate to say, "We have a problem. Let's find a solution to
it." How you handle problems together may well determine how long your
relationship will last.
8.
How does my mate deal with a "screwup?" Does my mate
place blame? Does my mate take responsibility for his/her actions? How
do I handle my mistakes? Do we both acknowledge our errors and resolve
to deal with them? If chronic, negative behavior persists in this area,
take a second look to decide if you two are a good match and if you are
ready to commit. It is not unusual, for instance, to have each partner
blame the other, which rarely accomplishes anything. Placing blame, or
finding fault, can only worsen once you are committed.
Written by
Stacy D. Phillips and posted at Yahoo Personals.
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