Gather round the family TV, what passes for a hearth these days, and images of holiday togetherness are hard to avoid. Ads for expensive cars with red bows say more than buy, buy, buy. They also convey the epitome of domestic bliss.
For most of us, iconic pictures of perfect families aren't reality. For families divided by divorce - a fact of life for someone in nearly everyone's family - the advertised ideal can pile hurt on top of hurt. Rather than bring joy, this season from Thanksgiving through New Year's can heighten loneliness and anger.
Where will the kids spend the holidays? Many divorced parents find ways to keep the peace. Out of change, they create new traditions.
"The ones who do it well put the children first," said Christine Wakefield Nichols. A court-appointed family law guardian, Nichols helps hammer out parenting issues in Snohomish County Superior Court's Family Court Investigations department. Often during the holidays, Nichols said, "the devil is in the details." "The discord hasn't been settled, and they do forget about the child," said Nichols, who is also certified as a school social worker.
When couples with children divorce, a parenting plan is part of the proceedings, said Della Moore, supervisor of the superior court's Family Court Investigations department. Parenting plans spell out which parent has primary custody and set schedules for regular visits, holidays and school breaks, Moore said. "In the best-case scenario, parents agree on it," she said. "What we see in family court are disputes if a parenting plan is ambiguous in the least," Moore said. "A lot of parents kind of lose focus when they're getting a divorce. They're dealing with their own adult issues."
A holiday disagreement is commonly an extension of old problems or jealousies, Nichols said. "One party or the other is still trying to get back or be the superior parent," she said. Add hectic travel, and some children are left feeling they haven't had a holiday at all. "The children are exhausted. One of my big issues is being on the road, little kids in the car, a lot of running around with everybody trying to see everybody," Nichols said. "If you're looking for what's best for the child, what makes sense? What works for this little guy or this little girl?"
Kids are also hurt when they're used as spies, Nichols said. Just as it's harmful to criticize the other parent in front of the kids, it's unfair to question children about relationships in the other household. The sad fallout of separation is that children frequently blame themselves and almost always hope parents will reunite, Nichols said. Through all the hardships, "a lot of people do it right," Nichols said.
A new stepparent can be a positive support. Nichols said kids do best when that new person takes on a role similar to a friendly aunt or a kind teacher and the parent doesn't delegate discipline duties. Families that thrive in spite of divorce do so by extension of the golden rule, by treating others as they'd want to be treated. Nichols said that includes: initiating regular contact with the absent parent; being prompt and having children ready at exchange time; assuring kids that you support their relationship with the other parent; and being flexible so the child can be part of special events.
Trained mediators help families sort through details and give them a place to talk. "We really are making families stronger," Phillips said. Susi Bryant, office coordinator at the Dispute Resolution Center, said mediation often reflects a family's natural evolution. "Sometimes the kids are now older and want to do something different.
Or someone gets married, or wants to spend Christmas in Wyoming. "It takes communication," Bryant said. "A lot of mediators put a picture of the children on the table, so everybody remembers who the negotiation is for."
Read it all at the HeraldNet.com.
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