California Divorce and Family Law

Season hard on kids of divorce--Parents should focus on what's best for child, experts advise

Gather round the family TV, what passes for a hearth these days, and images of holiday togetherness are hard to avoid. Ads for expensive cars with red bows say more than buy, buy, buy. They also convey the epitome of domestic bliss.

For most of us, iconic pictures of perfect families aren't reality. For families divided by divorce - a fact of life for someone in nearly everyone's family - the advertised ideal can pile hurt on top of hurt. Rather than bring joy, this season from Thanksgiving through New Year's can heighten loneliness and anger.

Where will the kids spend the holidays? Many divorced parents find ways to keep the peace. Out of change, they create new traditions.

"The ones who do it well put the children first," said Christine Wakefield Nichols. A court-appointed family law guardian, Nichols helps hammer out parenting issues in Snohomish County Superior Court's Family Court Investigations department. Often during the holidays, Nichols said, "the devil is in the details." "The discord hasn't been settled, and they do forget about the child," said Nichols, who is also certified as a school social worker.

When couples with children divorce, a parenting plan is part of the proceedings, said Della Moore, supervisor of the superior court's Family Court Investigations department. Parenting plans spell out which parent has primary custody and set schedules for regular visits, holidays and school breaks, Moore said. "In the best-case scenario, parents agree on it," she said. "What we see in family court are disputes if a parenting plan is ambiguous in the least," Moore said. "A lot of parents kind of lose focus when they're getting a divorce. They're dealing with their own adult issues."

A holiday disagreement is commonly an extension of old problems or jealousies, Nichols said. "One party or the other is still trying to get back or be the superior parent," she said. Add hectic travel, and some children are left feeling they haven't had a holiday at all. "The children are exhausted. One of my big issues is being on the road, little kids in the car, a lot of running around with everybody trying to see everybody," Nichols said. "If you're looking for what's best for the child, what makes sense? What works for this little guy or this little girl?"

Kids are also hurt when they're used as spies, Nichols said. Just as it's harmful to criticize the other parent in front of the kids, it's unfair to question children about relationships in the other household. The sad fallout of separation is that children frequently blame themselves and almost always hope parents will reunite, Nichols said. Through all the hardships, "a lot of people do it right," Nichols said.

A new stepparent can be a positive support. Nichols said kids do best when that new person takes on a role similar to a friendly aunt or a kind teacher and the parent doesn't delegate discipline duties. Families that thrive in spite of divorce do so by extension of the golden rule, by treating others as they'd want to be treated. Nichols said that includes: initiating regular contact with the absent parent; being prompt and having children ready at exchange time; assuring kids that you support their relationship with the other parent; and being flexible so the child can be part of special events.

Trained mediators help families sort through details and give them a place to talk. "We really are making families stronger," Phillips said. Susi Bryant, office coordinator at the Dispute Resolution Center, said mediation often reflects a family's natural evolution. "Sometimes the kids are now older and want to do something different.

Or someone gets married, or wants to spend Christmas in Wyoming. "It takes communication," Bryant said. "A lot of mediators put a picture of the children on the table, so everybody remembers who the negotiation is for."

Read it all at the HeraldNet.com.

Post-divorce conflicts can affect children

Dr. Joyce Bothers hosts today's Q & A in the Seattle PI:

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: My ex-wife and I are divorced, and our two kids are out of the house -- one in college, the other with a job and her own apartment. The problem? Their mom is spoiling them. She sends them extra money, even though she really can't afford to. She's constantly going out of her way to do them favors, buy them things and send them on vacation. So I have two complaints: I think my ex is trying to buy their favor, and also trying to make me look unsupportive. Meanwhile, how can the kids learn to stand on their own when they each have a combination benefactor/personal assistant to give them anything they want? Am I being unfair? How can I even things out without spoiling the kids even more? -- D.B.

DEAR D.B.: Your problem is illustrative of the fact that divorce sets up conflicts within the family that continue to affect the children even after they are grown up and out of the house. Your ex-wife's extravagance with the kids might have nothing to do with trying to show you up as a father. This may be your own interpretation, based on the troubles between you. This is not to say that the divorce isn't a motivating factor for her generosity; many parents -- particularly mothers -- feel guilty about the breakup of the family, and dishing out extra money to the kids is the easiest way to make themselves feel better. And I have yet to hear of a kid who tries to thwart this instinct.

Neither of you has a relationship with your kids based solely on money, however. If you are feeling left out or at a disadvantage because of your wife's over dependence on money as a salve for her feelings, you might want to concentrate a little harder on maintaining a relationship with each of your children that is based on your mutual interests and caring for them as people. Letting go of petty jealousies with your ex-wife would be a good start -- and don't think your kids won't notice and admire you for it.

Can divorce sell cars? Ford's bold ad will tell

A mom and dad joke with their kids as their Ford Freestyle winds through scenic terrain. They stop at a roadside stand for a snack. They frolic on a beach at sunset. They look like the perfect, happy family until the Freestyle pulls into a condo complex and Dad gets out. "Thanks for inviting me this weekend," he tells his ex-wife. Dad gives his kids a heartfelt hug and waves as the Freestyle crossover vehicle pulls away. A voice-over intones: "Bold moves: They happen every day."

The daring move here really belongs to Ford: showing a divorced couple in an advertising campaign. Although millions of Americans have been divorced and millions of children no longer share an address with both parents, that truth is almost never reflected in the advertising that manufacturers and retailers use to woo consumers. It's likely to stay that way, some marketers predict, because there is still a stigma attached to divorce, and most advertisers prefer to evoke images of happy nuclear families when pushing their products. Others say the Freestyle ad has done exactly what it was supposed to do: create buzz and get people talking.

If Ford's risky move is deemed a success, they predict consumers will see more ads that show unconventional relationships--gay people, mixed-race couples, divorced parents, stepchildren. "We don't live in the world of Ozzie and Harriet anymore," noted Alan Siegel, chairman of Siegel + Gale, a brand strategy firm in New York. "I think advertising has to reflect what is going on in society."

Ford marketing executive John Felice said the company wasn't trying to make a social statement with its divorce ad. Rather, it was trying to make an emotional connection with its customers. "It was about portraying a real-life situation," he said. "I've received passionate e-mails from divorced parents who said, `Thank you.'"

The ad drew ire from some unhappy Ford dealers who don't understand why the company would show a negative situation in its advertising. The ad stopped airing at the end of September because it had run its course, Felice said. He declined to speculate whether it would appear again.

Too bold?

Most of the Bold Moves spots are quirky but not controversial, like the one where a woman pays the dry-cleaning tab for the cute guy in the car behind her. The divorce spot stands out as more serious and provocative. Only a minority of divorced couples end up with an amicable relationship when children are involved, divorce counselors say, and few would choose to spend an extended period of time with their ex in the close confines of a car.

Chicago divorce coach Kate van Dyke congratulates Ford for taking on a difficult topic and showing it with compassion. "I love the healthy role modeling going on there. Anything that can encourage the idea that you can be divorced and civil is a good thing to do."

But the spot struck veteran adman Tom McConnaughy as forced and a little sad. "I just didn't end up with a good feeling at the end of it. I sort of felt sorry for the guy. I just felt sorry. It didn't make me want to go out and buy a Ford." At least one advertising executive says the Freestyle ad has achieved the Holy Grail of advertising: a spot that continues to work long after its 30 seconds of TV time have passed.

Whoever has the raw end of any given divorce may feel differently about that commercial. Parents may feel guilty about what they did with their kids. I see countless parents going to shrinks saying, `I saw this commercial and it made me feel uncomfortable.' That's possible. That's worth money."

Postaer says he remembers exactly the moment when he first saw the commercial because it struck a chord with him as a child of divorce and a parent. But as an ad executive, he also admired the twist at the end. "Picking up the kids to take a Sunday drive is a pedestrian story, but because of that narrative shift, it becomes all new again."

Under the headline "Divorcemobile," Slate contributor Seth Stevenson gives the ad a B- with "bonus points for progressive social stance" and "points off for muddled marketing message."

Separate but equal

How big is the market of divorced people? Some statistics say that 10 percent of the U.S. population was divorced as of 2002, up from 8 percent in 1990 and 6 percent in 1980. According to one estimate, one million children in America are involved in a new divorce each year. That's a big target market in a country of 300 million.

As a demographic group, though, divorced people are hard to pin down, marketers say. They cut across all income levels, ethnic groups, religions and age cohorts. They may be liberal or conservative

"It's hard to target divorced people," said Tim Calkins, marketing professor at Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management. "They don't watch certain shows or operate in certain ways. It is sort of like targeting people with brown hair." It's also hard to pin down what products divorced people need. Is the car a divorced person drives different from other cars?

There is a tiny but burgeoning field of divorce-related products and services. There are divorce greeting cards and an online tool called "Our Family Wizard," which allows former spouses to update schedules for their children without having to speak to each other for a cost of about $200 a year. There's even Divorce magazine, which features articles on everything from finding hidden assets to holding a divorce ceremony. Advertisers range from divorce lawyers and counselors to spas and Ikea, the Swedish retailer that offers a big range of value-priced furniture and home accessories.

Associate marketing professor Nordhielm thinks it's useless for advertisers to speak directly to those with doomed marriages unless they are marketing services to those in the midst of divorce. A better solution, she believes, is to reach out to consumers based on their attitudes, not demographics. Smart advertisers such as Apple Computer and Volkswagen reach out across segments with messages that appeal to those who love music or cool design, Nordhielm pointed out.

Divorce coach van Dyke agreed that few divorced people want to be defined by the experience. "Divorce means a breaking apart. I don't know who aspires to that."

Read it all at the Chicago Tribune.

Some couples need counseling after the divorce

Amy Dickinson has an advice column in Newsday. Today, she has some great advice:

Dear Amy: I am a recently divorced woman with a 5-year-old daughter. My ex-husband has regular visitation with our daughter and is helping to raise her.

The marriage did not work out because he was verbally and physically abusive. The last thing I want to do is see him or talk to him, but I am forced to because of our daughter.

The problems we have in communicating to each other now are the same problems that were there while we were together. He talks over me and interrupts me when I am speaking, and he dismisses my questions and concerns. He is a verbal bully.

How can I communicate with my ex-husband without feeling as if I just went to war?

Dear Exhausted: I'm wondering if your daughter is safe being partly raised by someone who is verbally and physically abusive. Obviously, you assume that he is able to be a good father, but I would emphasize that even witnessing verbal and physical abuse puts your daughter at risk.

You and your ex would benefit from counseling and perhaps parenting classes.

I realize that at this point you probably think couples counseling is quite beside the point, but thoughtful counseling and mediation will help both of you to develop and maintain a cordial relationship. If he won't attend, then you should go anyway.

Your ex needs to learn more appropriate ways of expressing his thoughts and feelings; you could be taught techniques for recognizing and defusing tension.

Most communities have agencies and organizations devoted to the betterment of families. Your local department of social services could hook you up with family counseling.

Post-divorce passion burns both ways

Q: Last night my ex came over. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. The kids weren't around, it was just us again, and now I'm thinking I made a mistake when we split up. It's been two years, though, and our marriage was volatile. The thought of going back is frightening. But, we certainly had fun. I could tell he felt it, too. Is this a good idea?

A: A survey we once took through the Bonus Families Web site told us that many who have broken up sleep with an ex at least one more time after the breakup, so you are not alone.

The "fun" aspect is certainly distracting. But there's more at risk when you're sleeping with an ex than "fun" - especially if you have children together. There's the danger of hurting the kids again when you realize this isn't what you expected. And it's a big hurt; it's not just a skinned knee that you can bandage before telling them to go out and play. The wounds go deep and impact their outlook on life and relationships. So, fun or no fun, know you are taking a huge chance when you entertain the kind of relationship you propose.

People don't break up without a reason and they certainly don't face lengthy divorce proceedings merely because they were mad at each other. You've already mentioned your relationship was "volatile." There were issues that you faced that brought on the divorce. If you feel you can better face those issues now, then reconciliation is always a consideration. But if you are proposing that you start sleeping together and it will just be your little secret, be warned: That who-will-it-really-hurt sort of attitude often backfires. If this goes on for a while, it's usually because one of the participants is more emotionally invested than the other and he or she continues the relationship just to keep the other around. That means eventually one of you will be faced with the decision to move on again. Then visitation might get sticky, and now the kids are involved.

If you don't have kids, then, in our opinion, you just have to acknowledge that this could merely be a paper fire - burns hot and fast, and turns to ashes quickly. As adults you have had enough experience to know that's a possibility, so it's your decision to go forward.

After all is said and done, if we have to give you a blanket answer, we would have to say, "Good ex-etiquette states you don't sleep with an ex. An ex is an ex for a reason." Figure out that reason and you'll know the right answer to your question all by yourself.

More about this topic in the Belleville News Democrat.