California Divorce and Family Law

Focus on what's best for the kids during divorce

Amy Dickinson's Q & A from the  Chicago Tribune.

Dear Amy: I am in a situation that many of my friends have also gone through.

After years of my being a faithful husband, very good father and providing for my family financially, my wife has decided that she is not happy anymore. She says that it's not me, it's her. She has a boyfriend, and she wants to be with him. She also wants custody of our two children.

My wife knows that she can get custody because she has a good job and the courts usually always side with the woman unless the children are in danger.

My male friends in very similar situations have had their children taken away from them, have been forced to become part-time parents every other weekend and Wednesdays, are forced to pay child support, and their dreams of raising their children are shattered because the wife had a change of heart and feels that "she deserves to be happy."

What about me? I did nothing to deserve this.

What should I do? -- Tom in Ohio

Dear Tom: I want to stress that any parent who gets dumped by a spouse gets a raw deal. Even those moms (including me) who are granted custody of the kids end up accepting many injustices, parenting challenges and visitation nightmares just because a spouse decides to walk away. The important thing is to make all of your decisions from here on out firmly centered on what is best for your children.

Depending on what state you live in, the system is still skewed in favor of mothers being custodial parents (many states are moving toward shared custody), and though I think that the jury is still out on what custody arrangement truly works best for children, long term, it is patently unfair to assume that fathers should take a secondary role in child raising.

I read your letter to David Levy, director of the Children's Rights Council, which advocates for fathers' rights. Levy stresses that the best way to cope with this is to get involved with other parents by joining a local parents support group. These groups meet, often with a lawyer present, to strategize and do research on divorce law and custody issues. "Sometimes guys want to go it alone, with only their lawyer supplying advice, but doing research to learn parental rights and responsibilities and advocating for change helps men to get through this," he says.

Post-divorce conflicts can affect children

Dr. Joyce Bothers hosts today's Q & A in the Seattle PI:

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: My ex-wife and I are divorced, and our two kids are out of the house -- one in college, the other with a job and her own apartment. The problem? Their mom is spoiling them. She sends them extra money, even though she really can't afford to. She's constantly going out of her way to do them favors, buy them things and send them on vacation. So I have two complaints: I think my ex is trying to buy their favor, and also trying to make me look unsupportive. Meanwhile, how can the kids learn to stand on their own when they each have a combination benefactor/personal assistant to give them anything they want? Am I being unfair? How can I even things out without spoiling the kids even more? -- D.B.

DEAR D.B.: Your problem is illustrative of the fact that divorce sets up conflicts within the family that continue to affect the children even after they are grown up and out of the house. Your ex-wife's extravagance with the kids might have nothing to do with trying to show you up as a father. This may be your own interpretation, based on the troubles between you. This is not to say that the divorce isn't a motivating factor for her generosity; many parents -- particularly mothers -- feel guilty about the breakup of the family, and dishing out extra money to the kids is the easiest way to make themselves feel better. And I have yet to hear of a kid who tries to thwart this instinct.

Neither of you has a relationship with your kids based solely on money, however. If you are feeling left out or at a disadvantage because of your wife's over dependence on money as a salve for her feelings, you might want to concentrate a little harder on maintaining a relationship with each of your children that is based on your mutual interests and caring for them as people. Letting go of petty jealousies with your ex-wife would be a good start -- and don't think your kids won't notice and admire you for it.

Stories help children deal with divorce

The following books can help kids deal with issues and emotions surrounding divorce. Fiction titles include characters coping with similar circumstances that occur when parents divorce.

Fiction

"Dear Mr. Henshaw," by Beverly Cleary. Ten-year-old Leigh shares his thoughts and story through letters to his favorite author. Ages 9 to 11.

"If I Have a Wicked Stepmother, Where's My Prince?," by Melissa Kantor. Lucy reluctantly moves across the country with her stepmother and stepsisters while her father wraps up his work in California. Ages 12 and older.

"The Divorce Express," by Paula Danziger. Phoebe spends much of her time riding a bus between her divorced parents' houses. She tries to fit in each place while figuring out who she really is. Ages 11 and older.

"Southpaw," by Rich Wallace. Jimmy moves to a new town when his parents divorce. He then has to deal with an ultra-competitive dad when he joins the baseball team. Ages 8 and older.

Nonfiction

"Why Me? A Teen Guide to Divorce and Your Feelings," by Rachel Aydt. Advice for middle-school students.

"Family Break-up," by Keeley Bishop and Penny Tripp. Discusses why families break apart.

"My Parents Are Getting Divorced," by Florence Cadier. Written to appeal to teens, this book provides techniques to deal with issues surrounding divorce.

"The Divorce Helpbook for Kids," by Cynthia MacGregor. Includes advice on life after divorce and subsequent emotions and situations.

Big thanks to the Post-Standard.

Communication can save day for children following divorce

While many couples create a variety of problems while their relationship is dissolving, communication can save the day for frightened children.

Sam and Diane Malone (their names have been changed to protect their children’s identities) were married for three years before their divorce was finalized in May 2005. The Malones created their own parenting plan for their children, a son now age 5 and a daughter age 3. Diane said their unique plan works for them and their children. While Sam has the children each Monday and Tuesday, Diane has them each Wednesday and Thursday. They alternate each weekend and all holidays, ensuring each of them has as much quality time with the children as possible. The plan is also tailored around each party’s work schedule.

Diane explained they actually talk more now than they did when they were married. “We have busy lives,” she said. “We talk two to three times a day.” During the initial stages of the divorce, and even today, the Malones have conflicts, but they work hard to keep their children out of the middle. “We have lots of arguments, but the big thing is not using the kids. That would be very easy to do,” Sam said.

Both Malones are adamant they will not interfere in the other’s relationship with the children. “When I filed for divorce, I didn’t even dream he would be an ‘every-other-weekend’ dad, or that I would have them full time,” Diane said. “It wouldn’t be fair to the kids. He has always had a strong relationship with them.”

Sam said that relationship didn’t start when the divorce was filed: It started at birth. “They won’t magically want to spend time with you just because you’re Dad,” Sam said. “You have to build that bond or it won’t be there.”

When the Malones divorced, Diane went to the Marion County Courthouse and was given a packet containing lots of information on the new procedures and parenting plans. They took the parenting class, set up their own parenting plan and “had all their ducks in a row” when they went before the judge, Diane said.

Neither Sam nor Diane was represented by a lawyer, though Sam said he consulted several to gain as much information as possible. Sam said he began researching West Virginia laws, reading the state code and consulting lawyers and therapists during the divorce process. Going online for information was also helpful, Sam said. “I don’t believe men realize the laws have changed,” Sam said. “They either need to research or get a lawyer. I know guys that have lost everything because they didn’t know they had rights.”

Throughout his research, Sam learned some of the best things men can do is keep a journal of visits with the children and conversations with their ex-wives. Speaking with other men going through the same process is also helpful, he said. The Malones took advantage of some informal mediation possibilities during the process. They sat down with Diane’s mother, who was an impartial party, Sam said. “It was good to sit down with someone to listen from both sides,” Diane said.

They also took advantage of some professional counseling for them and their children. “Our parenting styles are night and day,” Sam said. “Sometimes we need some help.” All in all, the Malones believe their children are handling the situation well.

Both Sam and Diane’s parents live in the area, and the extended family pitches in to help as much as possible. Diane remarried in April 2006. She explained when teachers and friends ask the children about their families, they talk about everyone, including their stepfather, their grandparents and all their pets. That time the Malone children spend with their parents is very special, Diane said. “I think it’s more quality time,” she said. “We make special plans for our weekends together. We have pizza picnics in the living room.”

While Diane has a husband to help her get the children off to school and her to work on Thursday and Friday mornings, Sam doesn’t have the help. It’s been difficult to organize lots of tasks, such as trips to the grocery store, Sam said. “It’s imperative to find things to entertain them,” he said. “They require interaction more. They want to spend time with you.”

The Malones said they realize right now, the problems can be small, but as the children grow, there will be the possibility for more conflict. They believe keeping the communication lines open, and the children’s well-being the primary focus, is the way to go. “We have an unspoken agreement we won’t go back to court,” Sam said. “It’s better to work through it yourselves.”

Read it all in the Times West Virginia.

When to explain divorce details to a child

Q: How old do you think a child should be before you tell him the specifics of your divorce? My son is 10 and has been asking me why his dad and I broke up. It was because his father left me for his current wife of two years, and I'm thinking now that my son is older he should probably know the truth before he gets any closer to that woman his father married. What do you think?

A: OK, we understand the desire to be vindicated. Your ex left you for another and that's not playing fair, but you have to ask yourself when considering passing on information like this, "How will knowing this help my son? Will it make him stand a little taller and feel more secure? Will it improve his quality of life?" We doubt it.

Plus, your ex has been married to the other woman for two years and you haven't sheltered your son from her so far, so he probably has some sort of rapport with her.

Offering this type of information now would undermine not only the relationship he has built with her, but also his relationship with his father. We can't see how sharing this information with him at this point in his life will improve your son's quality of life, so we vote "no" on telling him for now.

What about when he becomes an adult, is that a good time to tell him? Our answer will still be the same. If the information isn't pertinent to making his life better, the information need not be volunteered.

We aren't saying lie to him. The fact is, the truth has a funny way of coming to the forefront even if we don't push. As a result, you may be confronted by your son asking you for the real story in years to come without your needing to volunteer the information. He might be told by an aunt or an uncle, or even a friend who knows the whole story. With this in mind, no matter how difficult it may be, it's best to talk to your ex now and agree about how both of you will present the truth if asked.

For the record, we would like to say, "Bravo!" We know only what you have told us, but we certainly acknowledge that it's tough to stay quiet with information like this, especially if you have been wronged. The fact that you have has obviously been for the sake of your child. That's a sign that you are putting him first, and that's always the best thing you can do.

Q and A from The Seattle Times.

Divorce and school

After a split, both parents must keep on top of child's education

Children often are caught in the crossfire of bitterness in the aftermath of divorce, but educators can be trapped in the middle as well. When moms and dads refuse to talk to one another, teachers find themselves in a no-man's-land of shared-custody confusion, not quite sure from one day to the next who should be called if a homework assignment is missing or a permission slip needs to be signed. As a result, children can fall behind in their studies, and educators may bear the brunt of criticism for a situation out of their hands.

"It's a big problem," said Lucy Ranus, president of Arizona's PTA. "It's sad because it happens with a lot of divorced couples who use the child to pit one parent against the other. The child suffers the most."

Divorce touches nearly every classroom. There are no figures of how many school-aged children are affected, though the number of single fathers increased 27 percent over the same period, and the number of single mothers was up 34 percent, according to Census figures. Many divorced parents assume the teachers must adapt, for example by sending home duplicate report cards or calling each parent to discuss problems at school. Such assumptions compound the problems, Ranus said. It has been, and always will be, the parents' responsibility to know what is going on with their child in school, she said.

That means being the adult, a concept many parents have difficulty grasping through the raw feelings created by divorce. Maggie Varland and John Widder are doing it right. When Varland and Widder divorced 12 years ago, they agreed that their 2-year-old daughter Morgan was not going to suffer just because Mom and Dad could not get along. Over the years, they've both been there for Morgan's birthdays, recitals and teacher conferences. They share all Morgan-related information, and their daughter has seen the respect they have for one another. If there is such a thing as a good divorce, this was it. "Morgan has always been our primary concern," Varland says. "We never allowed her to become a pawn in our arguments. If you understand that your priority is your child, anybody can make it work. It's not a competition. It's more of a merger."

Kids as go-betweens

Parents must put bitterness aside for the sake of their children and work as a team to make sure their children succeed in school, Ranus said. "We constantly have to remind parents to keep the focus on the child," Ranus said. "You would be surprised how often that doesn't happen. Parents are so angry with one another, they refuse to speak, forcing the child to keep them up on everything at school." That can lead to big problems because most children tuck newsletters, school menus, graded assignments, notes and other bits of school information into the darkest recesses of their backpacks.

Having your children act as go-betweens is a bad idea because it suggests to kids they must be the mediators, said Wendy James, social worker at Creighton Elementary School in Phoenix. Many children refuse to accept their parents' divorce, and if parents use their kids to pass messages, youngsters may see it as an opportunity to bring Mom and Dad back together. Kids may come to blame themselves when their parents don't reunite.

"As unfortunate as these situations are, they are pervasive," James said. "Passing messages back and forth, children tend to resent it and it's not healthy for them. They can become depressed and withdrawn, and it can certainly affect them at school."

Staying in the loop

The lack of communication between home and school only gets worse in a child's teen years. High school students, in particular, are more apt to keep to themselves by living in a self-imposed parent-free zone. Parents must work even harder to stay involved in their older children's lives, said Betty Gullen, a guidance counselor at Chaparral High School in Scottsdale. Parents who have not established working relationships with their children's teachers risk becoming alienated, falling even further out of the parent-child loop, Gullen said.

Typically among married couples, one parent is the "dominant" parent, the mom or dad who speaks most often with their child's teachers. That parent may even volunteer at school while the other parent is simply happy to be kept informed, Gullen said. In a divorce, the dominant parent maintains those relationships with educators while the other parent struggles to stay in touch. "The other parent starts to feel shut out and can become even more bitter," Gullen said. "But they're the ones who have to work much harder to keep the lines of communication open."

Gullen frequently tells high school students they should share part of their day with parents, even if it's only a crumb. That sharing is even more important when parents are divorced.

Parental responsibility

Either way, it's still up to parents to make sure they keep up with their children's education. "If they feel out of the loop, they have to be more assertive in getting information," Gullen said. "E-mail or call the teachers. Go to the school's Web site to see what's going on. Stay informed." Most importantly, divorced parents must keep emotions in check long enough to deal with the issues facing their children's schooling, said Tempe psychologist Marlo Archer.

The key is cooperation, though that is difficult to maintain after a divorce. If the couple had been able to cooperate, they would still be together, Archer said. Both parents must realize their commitments to their children dwarf the problems they are having as former spouses. "Marriages end, but not your responsibilities as a parent," Archer said. "Put the selfishness aside and say to yourselves, 'This is about my child's future.' Be humble and less self-centered."

Read the entire article at Arizona Republic.

Kids need contact with their grandparents after divorce

When a family breaks up, everyone suffers ­ children, parents and also grandparents, who suddenly have to face the fact that they may not see their grandchildren any more or if they are able to maintain contact, they find it greatly reduced.

In many countries, grandparents have visitation rights by law if it's in the best interest of the child. However, the grandparents must prove this in family court. The parents and grandparents are strongly urged to sit down and work out arrangements responsibly and considerately before a fight erupts.

The relationship between children and their grandchildren is important.

'A child learns another broad realm of experiences and acceptance through their grandparents,' said professor Gerhard Amendt, a sociologist and family researcher at the University of Bremen in Germany. 'They can make the child feel a serenity that derives from their life experience and their age.'

This perspective is different from that which they could receive from their parents who have a stronger, more structured influence on the life of a child.

Grandparents become important figures for children, whose world often collapses when parents separate. They sometimes become allies of the child, and the child might find them more reliable than their parents in providing comfort. They cannot be blamed for causing the sadness the child feels during a breakup.

In a practical sense grandparents often take on new tasks when a couple with children splits up.

'Many divorces would not be realized if there weren't grandparents involved,' said Ingrid Gross, a lawyer specializing in family law in Augsburg, Germany. They step in with financial support and help look after the kids, filling in for the missing partner.

In many cases contact with the grandparents on the side of the partner who maintains custody of the children, usually the mother, is strengthened.

Maintaining relations with the grandparents of the other partner, usually the father, is often more difficult. However, grandparents can also help in this case.

'While a child is still young, many fathers are happy to be able to spend a weekend with the child at the grandparents' home because there he has practical help in how to take care of and raise the child,' Gross said.

Breakups involving children become very problematic when the situation is contentious and laden with conflict, and when one of the partners is granted sole custody of the child, said Rita Boegershausen, co-founder of an initiative based in Essen, Germany, for grandparents of children involved in separations and divorce.

The danger in such cases is that the partners automatically identify their in-laws as members of the 'enemy camp' and cut off contact entirely.

'It's important that grandparents stay out of the conflict as much as possible even though they most likely feel closer to their own child than their son- or daughter-in-law,' said Boegershausen. The best thing a grandparent can offer the child is neutrality within the relationship.

'During visits grandparents should never try to agitate the child's feelings toward his mother or father, and should keep a straight face with regard to the situation,' Gross said. The child will repeat what he heard at home, and that could bring an end to the grandparents' access to the child.

Read more here.

UF study: Girls perform better on tests when feuding parents divorce

A new study from the University of Florida found that a clean break from a bad marriage is actually better for the couple’s school-age daughters than a troubled union.

Contrary to the expectation that marriage is always good for children while divorce is bad, the study found that the schoolwork of girls whose parents split up is better than that of girls who live with a mom and dad who don’t get along, said Mark Hoekstra, who did the research for his doctoral dissertation in economics at UF.

“There is no question, as I and other researchers find, that boys and girls from two-parent intact families perform better academically than boys and girls whose parents divorced,” Hoekstra said. “But I was surprised to learn that girls whose parents divorced do better in school than girls from similarly troubled families whose parents went to the brink of divorce but remained married.”

In the study, girls between first- and 10th-grades whose parents divorced scored an average of slightly more than eight points higher on standardized reading and mathematics tests than girls whose parents filed for divorce but later requested the case be dismissed. These differences persisted four years after the divorce, he said.

No academic differences were found for boys, although they did experience a short-term increase in disciplinary problems immediately after divorce that did not last beyond three years, said Hoekstra, who is now an economics professor at the University of Pittsburgh.

One possible reason girls in families with troubled marriages are more likely to experience academic problems is that they may be more adversely affected by conflict, he said. The opportunity for girls to have a closer relationship with their mothers when parents divorce may also explain their stronger academic performance, Hoekstra said.

“Since in most cases mothers have primary custody, there may be a mother-daughter bond that forms as a result of a divorce that daughters respond to in a positive way compared to what would have happened if the parents had remained married,” he said. The results have important implications for divorce reform initiatives that have gained popularity recently because of concerns about the effects of divorce on children, Hoekstra said.

Discipline is the issue with boys, Hoekstra said. “There has been some research suggesting that when boys lack a male role model in the home, which often happens after a divorce, they may be more affected than their sisters and act up, but my study shows that the effects are not permanent,” he said.

The increased incidence of divorce in American families is one of the most significant social trends of the 20th century, as more than 1 million children experience divorce every year, Hoekstra said. The number of divorces per 1,000 married women 15 and older more than doubled from 9.2 in 1960 to 19.5 in 1996, and demographers project that if current rates continue, about 50 percent of recent first marriages will end in divorce, he said.

Ten Tips for Dads after Divorce: Birthdays and Holidays

Dealing with special occasions after divorce can be especially tricky.

When you’re sharing custody after a divorce, birthdays and holidays can be tough, especially in the early days. But take heart. As each year passes, you and your family will become more comfortable with the new family structure and will create new rituals and ways to enjoy special times together.

Some families choose to spend holidays all together, even after the divorce. Usually this doesn’t happen right away, but after a few years and time for healing, some parents are able to put aside their differences and enjoy time spent together with their kids. Some even blend in new partners and children.

First, after you and your wife separate, you should make a basic parenting agreement. Make sure your parenting agreement covers where the kids will spend birthdays and holidays and how the two of you will negotiate any changes. Without a plan, you leave a lot of room open for arguments with your ex­ -- and disappointments for your kids. Here are some other tips for making birthdays and holidays pleasant for everyone concerned.

1. Be Flexible

Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and holidays. The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kid’s needs.

Do I have to force my child to visit his mother if he doesn't want to? For example, if the kids express a strong desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is “officially.”

2. Be Proactive and Plan Ahead

Always keep in mind that your new family arrangements require much more planning than when everyone was living under the same roof. One way to avoid disappointment is to communicate early and often with the children and your ex. Give your children’s mom plenty of time to think about your proposals and to respond. And keep in mind that pushiness usually produces more resistance than cooperation.

3. Be Kind and Generous

Especially during holidays, keep any bitterness you still feel over the divorce between you and your ex. If you can’t say anything nice, just smile. Avoid putting the children in the awkward position of taking sides. Be as generous as you can with your kids about their relationships with their ex and the rest of the family. Encourage them to talk about the gifts they received and activities they engaged in with other family members they see over the holidays. Let them know they can show happiness with both parents. Help your children shop for the other parent, as well as their sibling, grandparent, or stepparent.

4. Keep Your Word

Be particularly careful to follow through on whatever promises you make related to the holidays. It’s extra important to keep promises to your kids around holiday times -- the holidays are a big deal for kids.

5. Include the Kids In Your Planning

Whenever it’s reasonable, let your children help make the choices about when and where to celebrate the holidays, and with whom. But before asking their opinions, make it clear that all plans must be cleared with everybody involved. This will help teach your kids to be part of the collaboration between you and your ex.

6. Create Two Holidays or Birthdays

Having two holiday or birthday celebrations for the children -- one at your house, one at Mom’s -- is often a positive solution for extended families. Just make sure that the plans you make are collaborative and that they are made well in advance. This arrangement reinforces for the kids that they have two homes and cements new family rituals and holiday customs.

7. Avoid the Indulgence Trap

Many divorced parents, especially dads, are still reeling from their personal hurt and guilt over the divorce. They may be overwhelmed by these feelings and respond to the children's pain with too much money or too many gifts. Try to stay away from this unhealthy dynamic with your kids.

8. Take Care of Yourself

If You’re Alone Holiday time can trigger a resurgence of memories and melancholy feelings, especially if you are surrounded by couples and families. As holidays or birthdays approach, if you know you’re not going to get to see your kids, be sure to make your own special plans for the day.

9. Build New Family Traditions

Divorced parents, especially dads, often make the mistake of trying to duplicate exactly the pre-divorce family traditions. But you’ll be much happier and more satisfied if you create your own traditions for your new family.

10. Nurture Your Blended Family at the Holidays

If you remarry or get into a committed relationship and your new partner has children, they will undoubtedly have their own ideas about how to celebrate holidays and birthdays. Discuss with your new partner ways that you can bring together the children from both sides of the family, and get all the kids involved with planning what you’ll do together and incorporating everyone’s traditions.

Birthdays and holidays are special times for you and your kids. Communicate clearly and stay calm and flexible, and your extended family will have something to celebrate.

Thanks to Kansas Family and Divorce Lawyer. Read it all at Nolo.

Helping kids handle divorce, grief takes time

Parents have more influence than they might think in helping their children adjust to family life after divorce. Here’s some advice for soothing pains and healing hearts.

Parents have more influence than they might think in helping their children adjust to family life aftrer divorce. The greatest challenge is to maintain a close relationship with children during the splitting up of the marriage and beyond. The more both parents nurture an emotionally healthy environment, the more likely those children will adjust in healthy ways.

Children grieve about divorce differently than their parents do. First, for children there is no finality. The marriage may be over for the adults, but the child-parent relationship still exists. Second, since children are still maturing, the various stages of their development bring new grief experiences relating to the divorce.

While the grief of adults has a beginning, middle, and end, the grief of children has a series of beginnings, middles and ends.

Parents need to do more than accept these differences. They must enter into the world of young people and treat their feelings and difficulties with respect.

Parents need to offer support that will help young people find their own way to solutions. This means treating their difficulties as opportunities to strengthen their relationships with God and helping them solve their own problems.

Here is a list of things to do:

Allow young people to express their feelings

Show how to take responsibility for feelings

Respect your children’s relationship with their other parent

Don’t speak badly about the other parent

Don’t give unnecessary details

Discuss other family members’ reactions or another family’s divorce

Schedule regular family time

Place your children in support groups

Attend Mass and church events with your children

Don’t become lax with discipline or try to win over your children with gifts

Allow children to grieve at their own rate

Keep your kids busy.

Read the entire article at Catholic Online.