California Divorce and Family Law

Study: Divorced Parents Do a Good Job

Divorced parents do just as good a job as married couples in raising kids, a new study claims.

This new research overturns a commonly held belief that families fractured by divorced parents become inferior havens for children compared with stable homes.

"My findings that parenting practices are unrelated to divorce appear to fly in the face of accepted wisdom," said Lisa Strohschein, a sociologist at the University of Alberta in Canada.

Some divorced couples may overcompensate for a split-up by focusing more attention on their kids, which could partially explain why divorced and married households scored similar child-caring marks.

"Some parents may overcompensate and be extra-conscientious, and there are definitely some parents who do have problems parenting afterwards," Strohschein told LiveScience. "But on average, parents don't change their behavior."

Parental care

Strohschein examined data collected as part of the National Longitudinal Survey of Children and Youth (NSLCY) in 1994 and 1996. The surveys followed about 5,000 Canadian children living in two-parent households as of 1994 and compared changes in parenting practices among the 200 households with subsequent divorces and those that remained intact.

Parents answered survey questions about three parenting behaviors:

• Nurturing: How often parents praise a child; how often parents play games/sports and laugh with children.
• Consistency: How often parents follow through with forewarned punishment, for instance.
• Punishment: How often parents yell or use physical punishment, versus calmly discussing or suggesting alternative ways of behaving to their misbehaving child.

The results are published in the October issue of the journal Family Relations and show no differences between divorced and stably married parents for any parenting behavior either before or after a divorce.

"Although divorce may be stressful, it doesn't necessarily transform parents into bad or indifferent parents to their children," Strohschein said.

However, Strohschein found that parents who had no more than high-school degrees became less consistent and relied more on punishment to discipline misbehaving children over the course of the study compared with parents who had post-secondary degrees (college and/or graduate school).

Households with an annual income ranging from $40,000 to $59,999 in 1994 showed a greater decrease in nurturing behaviors compared with wealthier homes (more than $80,000 annually).

Family facts

Past research has suggested that divorced parents fail to keep routines and maintain control over the household. In addition, studies have shown divorced parents may blur the boundaries of the parent-child relationship by turning to their children for solace.

"Undoubtedly, some parents will be overwhelmed and unable to cope with the demands of parenting in the post-divorce period," Strohschein said, "but the expectation that all parents will be negatively affected by divorce is unfounded."

The new information, she says, could be used to refine government and other programs dedicated to helping families during and after divorces.

"It does parents a disservice to automatically assume that they will have problems after divorce," Strohschein said. "That education and to a lesser extent income predict parenting behavior says much more about what makes a difference to parenting behavior."

From Yahoo News.

Child of divorce wants to choose where he lives

Q What are your thoughts on split custody of two siblings?

Eight months ago, the son asked to move in with the father. Now he's asking to move back to his mom's house. He's 11.

His reasons for wanting to return are to see his mom and his 6-year-old sister more; to have friends, because he has made no new ones in his current school or neighborhood; and he doesn't like the fact that no one is there when he gets home from school.

His dad doesn't want him to go back, but I think the son is very lonely. He mentioned in passing that he moved in with his father because he didn't want his dad to be lonely. The divorce was four years ago. His mom has remarried, and his dad just recently started dating.

Is it a good idea to let a child select where he wants to live? Is it hurtful to separate siblings? Should the dad get to decide where the child lives? Would a family counselor be a good idea to sort through the issues?

 

A Who decides where a minor child lives after a divorce? Sometimes a judge decides; sometimes the decision is made by mediation. Sometimes the parents fight over where the child will live. Sometimes the child has input, sometimes not.

What's best for the child? Two parents who love the child, understand the child's needs, realize the impact that divorce has on a child, and communicate well so that they can work together continuously on what's best for the children as they grow and develop.

I'm guessing that the person who wrote today's letter is a grandparent. I infer that the parents are not paying much attention to their child and don't communicate well. I also infer that the boy asked to leave about the time mom got married. Mom now had a husband and two kids, while dad had no one. I find it interesting and disquieting that some children of divorce end up taking care of their parents instead of the other way around.

To answer your questions, splitting two siblings is not a good idea. There are enough other changes going on in the children's lives at the time of a divorce. As for an 11-year-old deciding where he wants to live, if a custody fight came before the court, most judges would ask the child — or have the child and both homes evaluated — before making a final decision.

Your letter points out a major pitfall in letting the child decide. It was noble of the boy to want to take care of his father, but he's too young to take on such a task. Depending on what the custody arrangements are, dad doesn't have the sole right to decide.

Family counseling would be a great idea if all parties, including the mother's new husband, are willing, and are all in a mode of "I want what's best for the kids." Individual counseling for the boy could help him realize that he's the kid and he deserves friends and stability in his life, even if dad is lonely.

Finally, it's fortunate that most children are resilient, because so many parents today have it backward. They put themselves first — before the kids. Some children of divorce never quite get over it. I recently heard a man in his 60s mention it was the 50th anniversary of his parents' divorce. He remembered the exact day.

I realize that not every couple can or wants to follow these rules, but here are Dr. Heins' rules for protecting children from the effects of divorce:

● Don't get married unless you expect to spend the rest of your life married to this person.

● Don't have children unless they will be able to spend their entire childhood in the two-parent family you created.

● Don't get divorced unless you're comfortable with the idea that your kids might spend their entire lives remembering a divorce anniversary and its impact.

From the Arizona Daily Star.

How to make a difference for a child of divorce even as a bystander

Divorce these days surrounds us. Children everywhere are affected. It affects our grandkids, our nieces and nephews, our neighbors, our students or patients, and many other kids that touch our daily lives. Sometimes on the outside it's hard to know what to do.

After all, these kids are missing their parents. They are subjected to different rules and routines. Sometimes they are even the victims of intense emotional battles that rage between their parents. From the outside looking in, it's a helpless feeling watching these situations. So just what can you do? Here are ten suggestions to help make a difference for a child of divorce you might know:

1. Give lots of hugs. A child who is being bounced around between homes may not be getting the kind of love and attention she needs. Don't force it, but be ready to show affection when she needs it. Pay extra attention to the children. Mom and Dad often don't realize how neglectful they have become and the kids need all the love they can get.

2. Listen. When a child is feeling comfortable enough to talk to you about the situation, just be there and listen. You don't need to offer suggestions just give them a safe place to share what they are feeling.

3. Suggest a support group. If you have the kind of relationship with either parent that you can make suggestion, you may want to suggest a support group. There are divorce groups for the parents as well as grief organizations (such as Rainbows.org) for kids.

4. Don't talk down about either parent. Children need a safe-haven for discussion and if you insert your feelings, especially negative ones, the child is less likely to feel comfortable talking with you.

5. Read together. Reading out loud can be very soothing. You may wish to include a few books on the subject of divorce or split-family living. It may be enough to help them realize the feelings they are keeping inside and begin opening up about them. It also helps them to realize they are not unique in this kind of lifestyle. If it seems appropriate give or lend the books to the parents to possibly begin their own conversation.

6. Stay neutral. No matter how bad you want to take sides, don't. Keep those feelings to yourself and help the children feel comfortable about confiding and sharing feelings.

7. Do not get involved. Unless you are legally required to do so, do not get involved. It is very difficult to know both sides of a story, nor do you probably want to. You may some day need support from both parents for some unknown reason and you do not want to have burned any bridges.

8. Stay firm. Whatever rules or expectations were in force in your dealings with the child should not change. Softening your expectations sets the child up to use his circumstances to not be the best he can be. Staying firm can be one step that can prevent a child from spiraling into poor behavior.

9. Start a new tradition. Offer to take the child to the library and start a book club where you each pick a book for the other to read. Maybe go for ice-cream on Tuesday afternoons. Do something to reinforce your relationship with the child.

10. Learn the routine. If you show frustration with the schedules and routines, children will see that. If instead you accept the routines and try to make the best of it, you will take extra frustration out of the child's life, and he doesn't feel like he is doing something so unusual.

Source for post is SheKnows.

Raising the Bar: Parenting through Divorce

Your family’s physical environment will go through a transformation via divorce and so won’t your family’s emotional state. Many children of divorce will test these new emotional boundaries in many ways because of feelings of confusion and the need for control. Parents should not overlook the importance of raising the bar for their children.

Children in today’s world are inundated with unprecedented immorality, anti-family and parent messages where dysfunction is all too often considered a normalcy. From myspace to cell phones to media and more, parents must choose who and what shapes our children’s lives especially for children of divorce who are emotionally vulnerable.

Communication

Communication is the glue that will hold your relationships together, and it is also a valuable skill that you will teach your children. Communication is healthy, and lends to understanding. When people do not communicate, emotions are often released in destructive methods such as conflict, outbursts, violence, displaced aggression, and even dangerous habits such as alcohol and drugs. Through practicing constructive communication you are teaching respect for others, conflict resolution, how to compromise, and more. Practicing open communication with your children where they can freely discuss fears, confusion, questions, anger, and more will give your children a tool that will help them build a healthy life. It is also vital to your children’s best interest that you develop a non-conflict communication method with your co-parent for issues regarding the children. Whether phone calls, emails, letters, or more, it is important to communicate directly with each other on such issues. Mediation services provide a forum for high-conflict parents to communicate and resolve issues, a practice effectively resulting in the children’s best interest.

Discipline

It is the duty of a parent to teach their children to accept responsibility for their decisions. All too often, parents of divorce feel guilty maintaining the same standards they held in the pre-divorce home. The word “discipline” comes from the word “disciple,” which means “to teach.” When our children learn from their mistakes, parents are on the right track of giving our children the tools necessary for building a healthy and successful life. Children of divorce often push new boundaries, such as acting out and being grounded at one home and thinking that as soon as they get to their other home the grounding is out the window. This is a very destructive behavior that is not in the child’s best interest, but rather rewards manipulation, disrespect, and unhealthy patterns for life skills.

Consistency is crucial for parenting children of divorce, and that includes maintaining the household rules and expectations in both households. Holding children accountable for their choices and actions raises the bar for your children to develop essential real-world skills.

Keys to Opportunity & Success

Parents are instrumental in raising the bar of expectations and assisting their children in building a successful life. The keys to opportunity and success for your children are found through education and a successful career path. Many parents dealing with divorce are navigating their own path as they rebuild their family and may not be able to directly provide these keys, resulting in limited options for children of divorce.

Read more about this topic in Town Online.

Parental alienation: The latest weapon in nasty divorces

"Welcome to the swamp."

That's what a judge once told a client of Anchorage divorce attorney Steve Pradell when accusations of parental alienation were leveled against the client in a custody hearing.

Parental alienation syndrome - a controversial diagnosis to describe a child who compulsively denigrates one parent in response to consistent brainwashing by the other parent - has become a common weapon in custody cases.

"It happens all the time," said Michael R. Walsh, a divorce attorney in Orlando, Fla. "If Mom can't hurt Dad another way, what has she got left after she's tried to rake him over the coals on everything else?"

According to Richard Gardner, the psychologist who is considered the father of the syndrome, it typically manifests itself as a campaign of denigration by one parent against the other, which is accompanied by weak, frivolous and absurd rationalizations for the deprecation. As a result of this steady campaign of insult, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the targeted parent.

But the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has "no official position on the purported syndrome," according to a statement in its website. The legal community is divided as well. While many family lawyers believe the syndrome is a legitimate psychological diagnosis, others view it as nonsense. They say it's used primarily by parents who want someone to blame for their poor relationship with their children. "I think it's more of a code word that gets used in trial because one parent is not maintaining the relationship with the children and believes the other parent is interfering with the relationship," said Minneapolis divorce attorney Susan Gallagher.

Like it or not, parental alienation has become a common weapon in courts across the country. Even in jurisdictions that don't recognize it as a diagnosable syndrome in children, lawyers can still argue straight parental alienation - that one parent's attempts to turn the child against the other parent indicates that the first parent is not fit to have custody. Sometimes the behavior that prompts charges of parental alienation is subtle - frequent disparaging remarks within earshot of the child or setting up appointments and activities for the child during times when the other parent is scheduled to have visitation. Other times it is openly aggressive, such as unfounded accusations of child abuse or neglect. In some cases, a parent is deluded enough to believe their unfounded accusations - and other times when the accusations are true - so sorting out what is real and what is not can be a tall order for the courts.

"I can't tell you if the syndrome exists psychologically, but I can say it's very troubling and one of the hardest things for a judge to figure out if it's really happening," said Pradell. It's also possible for the child to be alienated from one parent without any campaign of denigration by the other. "Just for the sake of illustration, a 13-year-old girl finds out before Mom that Dad is cheating on Mom. That 13-year-old girl may become alienated from Dad, not because of Mom, but the alienation is there," said Patrick O'Reilly of Buffalo, head of the Family Law Section of the New York Bar Association. As the Anchorage judge said: "Welcome to the swamp."

Making it stick

Although parental alienation has become a common weapon in custody cases around the country, proving it can be a tall order. "It's like everything else in a custody case - it all comes down to what you can prove at trial. A lot of bad things happen, but they're very difficult to prove," said Ben Stevens of Stevens MacPhail in Spartanburg, S.C. The best place to begin is with witnesses - anyone who was present when one of the alienating interactions occurred.

In some states, clients can record telephone calls or other conversations to create audio evidence. O'Reilly suggested that lawyers encourage their clients to communicate via e-mail and voice mail to create a tangible record. This will be far more effective in court than the typical he-said/she-said battles that dominate most custody battles. But the heart of any parental alienation case is the expert testimony, according to Stevens. "Take the child to a mental health professional and let him do testing," he suggested. "Then you've got an expert witness to come and say, 'In my expert opinion, this is what's going on.'"

It many cases the judge will require a court-appointed psychologist to work with both parents and the children in order to obtain a non-partisan expert opinion. In a similar vein, lawyers may want to ask the court to appoint a guardian ad litem who will advocate on behalf of the child to determine whether parental alienation has occurred.

In the end, though, lawyers should be prepared for a tough battle. "It's very hard to prove, because if you have the client from whom the children are estranged, you don't have a child willing to cooperate with the process, and that's where most of the proof would be," O'Reilly said.

Defending against a charge

These same strategies, and a few others, are useful if unfounded allegations of alienation are leveled against your client. "Obviously they have the burden to prove the client's doing something," said O'Reilly. "It's not, 'The child doesn't talk to me, res ipsa it's your fault.' You have a little bit of advantage." First, make sure your client always takes the high road. Although the natural instinct of clients is to become indignant and defend themselves vehemently, protesting too loudly could undermine their credibility in the eyes of the court, said Gallagher. Instead, develop an action plan for how your client can build a stronger relationship with the children.

Change any behavior that is suspect. Have clients tell the judge that while they don't feel there is evidence to support the allegation, they are seeking the help of a professional as a precaution, and are prepared to change any behavior that is deemed inappropriate. "Who is not confident in a parent who is going to do and say that?" Gallagher asked. But just as in the case of the accuser, the most powerful weapon for a client who is accused of alienation is the psychological expert. "A good forensic expert has credibility because that person doesn't represent your guy and doesn't represent the other party - he's appointed by the court," said Tom Carnes of Carnes Ely in Houston.

Third-party witnesses can also be a powerful weapon in court. "Try to line up witnesses that would have had the opportunity to see [the parent] interact with the child. Teachers, scout leaders, dance teachers, karate teachers - people who see them during times when parents let their guard down and can say, 'I've never seen Dad say anything bad about Mom or Mom say anything bad about Dad,'" Stevens suggested. Finally, Carnes suggests that lawyers request more visits between the targeted parent and child in an effort to strengthen the relationship between them. Of course, the best defense against an alienation charge is to make sure it's never made in the first place.

Advise your client not to get in the middle of disputes between the child and the other parent, O'Reilly advised. If a child refuses to go with the non-custodial parent, the custodial parent should insist. He or she should tell the child that the judge has required the visit. "I encourage my clients to act reasonably, assume anything they do or say could be shown to the judge - or better yet, that the judge is standing there watching," said Stevens. "I don't know if that's great advice or I've just had good clients, but I haven't had many alienation claims alleged against my clients."

From Lawyers USA.

Parenting: Winding through divorce takes years

Q: How do you deal with divorce and help your children deal with it as well, especially when there is another person involved other than the parent? They just don't seem to get along with the other person, and it really makes it hard for me. I feel as if everything is my fault and that I'm a failure as a parent. Also, the children want me to go back to their father. Please advise.

A: There is no way to avoid the emotional upheaval that divorce brings. Initiating a divorce often provokes guilt, and both parties often undergo feelings of loss.

Divorce is traumatic for children and requires an extended period of adjustment. You did not mention the age of your children; however, the older children are, the more aware they are of the loss divorce brings. Youngsters miss the daily contact with the absent parent and also have to adjust to the loss of the family unit.

Listen with compassion to your children's feelings and allow them to express their frustrations and pain. When they ask about you and their father getting back together, respond with tenderness: "Your father and I cannot live together happily. I feel very bad about that."

Stop there. Don't explain your reasons for choosing divorce. Defending yourself suggests you want your children to support your actions. It is unfair to ask the children to approve of your decision.

Don't expect the children to welcome a new parent-type person into the family at this point. They cannot offer their acceptance until after they are much further along in the mourning process. Take a good deal of time before you bring your "other person" into their lives. Children often feel that liking a new friend of a parent makes them disloyal to their other parent.

Make an effort to take the children to gatherings of the extended family. They need the support of cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. The children need to feel as if they still belong to the big family, even if the nuclear family has been disrupted.

Join a support group for parents going through divorce. Listening to other parents sharing their problems and solutions can help ease your anguish. Seek out the help of a counselor to resolve some of your emotional conflicts. Realize that adjusting to divorce is a matter of years, not months or weeks.

Read more in the Sacramento Bee.

Game helps kids cope with divorce

Zipland Interactive recently completed the world's first research-based psychological computer game designed to help 7-13 year old kids from separated or divorce families cope indirectly with the emotional issues that arise from their new reality.

The interactive game is called 'Earthquake in Zipland' and it helps children, parents and therapists to interact and open avenues of dialogue.

Hazel Zemel, an accredited family therapist and supervisor says, "For the children, it is the first attempt at talking to them in their own 'language', dealing with a severe subject through humor and wit. For the parents, the game broadens their understanding of the impact of the separation on their child, and offers a way to communicate and talk about painful issues the child might be otherwise reluctant to express. For therapists, this game can be used a strategy to get children to participate more actively in the therapy process, by discussing their feelings and thoughts through playing the game. It can be used either in the clinic or as a home 'assignment', allowing the child to open up more freely without feeling intimidated."

See the article in Virgin.com.

Season hard on kids of divorce--Parents should focus on what's best for child, experts advise

Gather round the family TV, what passes for a hearth these days, and images of holiday togetherness are hard to avoid. Ads for expensive cars with red bows say more than buy, buy, buy. They also convey the epitome of domestic bliss.

For most of us, iconic pictures of perfect families aren't reality. For families divided by divorce - a fact of life for someone in nearly everyone's family - the advertised ideal can pile hurt on top of hurt. Rather than bring joy, this season from Thanksgiving through New Year's can heighten loneliness and anger.

Where will the kids spend the holidays? Many divorced parents find ways to keep the peace. Out of change, they create new traditions.

"The ones who do it well put the children first," said Christine Wakefield Nichols. A court-appointed family law guardian, Nichols helps hammer out parenting issues in Snohomish County Superior Court's Family Court Investigations department. Often during the holidays, Nichols said, "the devil is in the details." "The discord hasn't been settled, and they do forget about the child," said Nichols, who is also certified as a school social worker.

When couples with children divorce, a parenting plan is part of the proceedings, said Della Moore, supervisor of the superior court's Family Court Investigations department. Parenting plans spell out which parent has primary custody and set schedules for regular visits, holidays and school breaks, Moore said. "In the best-case scenario, parents agree on it," she said. "What we see in family court are disputes if a parenting plan is ambiguous in the least," Moore said. "A lot of parents kind of lose focus when they're getting a divorce. They're dealing with their own adult issues."

A holiday disagreement is commonly an extension of old problems or jealousies, Nichols said. "One party or the other is still trying to get back or be the superior parent," she said. Add hectic travel, and some children are left feeling they haven't had a holiday at all. "The children are exhausted. One of my big issues is being on the road, little kids in the car, a lot of running around with everybody trying to see everybody," Nichols said. "If you're looking for what's best for the child, what makes sense? What works for this little guy or this little girl?"

Kids are also hurt when they're used as spies, Nichols said. Just as it's harmful to criticize the other parent in front of the kids, it's unfair to question children about relationships in the other household. The sad fallout of separation is that children frequently blame themselves and almost always hope parents will reunite, Nichols said. Through all the hardships, "a lot of people do it right," Nichols said.

A new stepparent can be a positive support. Nichols said kids do best when that new person takes on a role similar to a friendly aunt or a kind teacher and the parent doesn't delegate discipline duties. Families that thrive in spite of divorce do so by extension of the golden rule, by treating others as they'd want to be treated. Nichols said that includes: initiating regular contact with the absent parent; being prompt and having children ready at exchange time; assuring kids that you support their relationship with the other parent; and being flexible so the child can be part of special events.

Trained mediators help families sort through details and give them a place to talk. "We really are making families stronger," Phillips said. Susi Bryant, office coordinator at the Dispute Resolution Center, said mediation often reflects a family's natural evolution. "Sometimes the kids are now older and want to do something different.

Or someone gets married, or wants to spend Christmas in Wyoming. "It takes communication," Bryant said. "A lot of mediators put a picture of the children on the table, so everybody remembers who the negotiation is for."

Read it all at the HeraldNet.com.

Helping Kids Of Divorcees Through Holidays

Divorce can be rough on children, and the holiday season, which is supposed to be full of joy for kids, can actually make things even rougher.

But on The Early Show, author D.K. Simoneau offered suggestions to help divorced parents make things better, so their children can have a happy holiday season.

She's the author of "We're Having a Tuesday," a children's book that addresses the difficulties of being passed from one parent to another, on a Tuesday, a holiday — or any day.

What are some common emotions children may experience?

They often experience their own loneliness, or they worry that their parents are lonely. They may be worried and frustrated that they can't spend time with both parents. And, they sometimes feel left out, like they are missing one celebration, or they may be worried that their parents are missing out.

They ask, "Do I go to Mom's, or Dad's, or do I go to both?"

What are some things divorced parents can do to make the holidays easier for their children?

1. COMMUNICATE. You need to be open about how they feel about splitting time. Obviously, you need to communicate your schedules, for instance, if you'll be out of town. And, once you've established those schedules, you'll need to stick to them: If your ex says dinner is going to be served at 2, don't drop the kids off at 5.

But, be flexible. Set a time. If dinner is at 2, you need to allow that another celebration may run over. So, if your ex arrives at 2:15, instead of 2, don't have a brawl. You need to have some give and take; everyone's celebration is important.

How involved in the communication process should the kids be? Discuss the holidays ahead of time with your kids, and see what they want to do. The holidays should not about what you want, but rather, about what your kids want. Communicate with kids first before you approach yoiur former spouse; see what they want.

2. PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST. Remember: Your kids should come first, so you and your ex need to put your differences aside. If there's any way at all spend you can spend some time together, do it, even if it's just an hour for a meal, or opening presents together. Try to find a balance for family. Remember: It's not about you, it's about your kids.

Simoneau says her ex comes over every Christmas morning, before the kids wake up, so he's there to see the looks on their faces when they open their gifts. And, the night before, she bakes cinnamon rolls with her children, who are now 9 and 11. They all open the gifts and eat the rolls together. Then, her ex leaves, and they do their own thing. They've been doing that since their divorce.

What if it's not possible for you to spend time with your ex, for whatever reason? Sometimes it might not work, so you may need to let your kids call the other spouse. Let them do it openly, so they don't need to sneak off and worry that, "Mom is sad because I didn't call her." Or, maybe allow the other parent to pick up the kids for an hour to go for a walk.

3. AGREE ON GIFT-GIVING METHODS. Try to buy them together, so they come from Mom and Dad. Or, if you need to shop separately, perhaps help your kids buy a gift for your ex.

What about the idea of trying to buy your child's affections - if one parent tries to outspend the other? If you have a civil enough relationship to talk about gift giving, you should be able to set some spending thresholds, or buy them together.

4. ESTABLISH NEW TRADITIONS. These can be as simple as what you have for breakfast Christmas morning, driving around town to look at the holiday lights, learning a new activity, volunteering in a soup kitchen or going to see "The Nutcracker." Sometimes, people try to recreate the past, and kids know it's just not the same. That's not to say you can't incorporate some of your old traditions, but it's good to have some new ones, too.

Don't try to recreate all of it. Unless you're fortunate enough to all be together, your kids will know it's not the same, and that there's obviously someone missing, which can be sad.

The holidays can be a happy time for kids, and part of that comes from making new traditions.

Don't dwell on what your missing; create new traditions. Overall, Simoneau says she can't emphasize enough: Put your differences aside, and remember that your kids come first!

To read it all and to see an excerpt from the book, go to CBS News. 

Make a date to help daughter bridge your divorce

Another great Q & A from Amy Dickinson in the Chicago Tribune.

Dear Amy: How long should I wait until I ask my 12-year-old daughter how she's adjusting to my divorce from her dad? We've been divorced for three months. She has only cried once, and that was when he moved out.

I take her to see him once a week, and she has spent the night at his place.

My plan was to give her some time and space to digest our new living arrangements and the quietness of the house. Has enough time gone by for me to gently probe?

There haven't been any outward changes in her. She is as happy-go-lucky as ever. However, she is talking in class much more than she used to. She is in 7th grade.

-- Divorced Mom

Dear Mom: I can understand why you wouldn't want to come right out and say, "So, how's divorced life treating you, honey?" But every day presents opportunities to check in with her as you build a life together and adjust to this new, quieter and changed existence.

Let me suggest a weekly "date night" for the two of you. Date night can be a Friday-night movie, Saturday-afternoon coffee or breakfast on Sunday, but it should be a standing time each week that you spend together outside your home.

You can ask your girl how things are going at school and what her visits with her dad are like. Allow her to express her positive emotions and underscore them by listening -- and never criticizing your ex. Once she sees that she can trust you to understand and not overreact to positive emotions, she will feel comfortable expressing her other emotions.

You can also share some of your feelings and ask open-ended questions, such as, "Jeez. Have you noticed how quiet the house is now? It is taking me some time to get used to it. How does it feel to you?"

Also consider getting a pet. Animals give all family members something animate to hug and fuss over and tell your troubles to. A 12-year-old girl might love to have a cat. If you are candidates for pet stewardship, go with your daughter to the local animal shelter, and let a cat adopt you. During those tough and confusing times of adolescence, animals can provide a wonderful physical and emotional outlet.

A sweet novel that you and your daughter might like to read together is "The Ruins of California," by Martha Sherrill (2006, Penguin). Inez Ruin is a spunky, observant girl who travels between the diverse worlds of her divorced parents. Your daughter might see herself in this young heroine.