California Divorce and Family Law

Helping Kids Of Divorcees Through Holidays

Divorce can be rough on children, and the holiday season, which is supposed to be full of joy for kids, can actually make things even rougher.

But on The Early Show, author D.K. Simoneau offered suggestions to help divorced parents make things better, so their children can have a happy holiday season.

She's the author of "We're Having a Tuesday," a children's book that addresses the difficulties of being passed from one parent to another, on a Tuesday, a holiday — or any day.

What are some common emotions children may experience?

They often experience their own loneliness, or they worry that their parents are lonely. They may be worried and frustrated that they can't spend time with both parents. And, they sometimes feel left out, like they are missing one celebration, or they may be worried that their parents are missing out.

They ask, "Do I go to Mom's, or Dad's, or do I go to both?"

What are some things divorced parents can do to make the holidays easier for their children?

1. COMMUNICATE. You need to be open about how they feel about splitting time. Obviously, you need to communicate your schedules, for instance, if you'll be out of town. And, once you've established those schedules, you'll need to stick to them: If your ex says dinner is going to be served at 2, don't drop the kids off at 5.

But, be flexible. Set a time. If dinner is at 2, you need to allow that another celebration may run over. So, if your ex arrives at 2:15, instead of 2, don't have a brawl. You need to have some give and take; everyone's celebration is important.

How involved in the communication process should the kids be? Discuss the holidays ahead of time with your kids, and see what they want to do. The holidays should not about what you want, but rather, about what your kids want. Communicate with kids first before you approach yoiur former spouse; see what they want.

2. PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST. Remember: Your kids should come first, so you and your ex need to put your differences aside. If there's any way at all spend you can spend some time together, do it, even if it's just an hour for a meal, or opening presents together. Try to find a balance for family. Remember: It's not about you, it's about your kids.

Simoneau says her ex comes over every Christmas morning, before the kids wake up, so he's there to see the looks on their faces when they open their gifts. And, the night before, she bakes cinnamon rolls with her children, who are now 9 and 11. They all open the gifts and eat the rolls together. Then, her ex leaves, and they do their own thing. They've been doing that since their divorce.

What if it's not possible for you to spend time with your ex, for whatever reason? Sometimes it might not work, so you may need to let your kids call the other spouse. Let them do it openly, so they don't need to sneak off and worry that, "Mom is sad because I didn't call her." Or, maybe allow the other parent to pick up the kids for an hour to go for a walk.

3. AGREE ON GIFT-GIVING METHODS. Try to buy them together, so they come from Mom and Dad. Or, if you need to shop separately, perhaps help your kids buy a gift for your ex.

What about the idea of trying to buy your child's affections - if one parent tries to outspend the other? If you have a civil enough relationship to talk about gift giving, you should be able to set some spending thresholds, or buy them together.

4. ESTABLISH NEW TRADITIONS. These can be as simple as what you have for breakfast Christmas morning, driving around town to look at the holiday lights, learning a new activity, volunteering in a soup kitchen or going to see "The Nutcracker." Sometimes, people try to recreate the past, and kids know it's just not the same. That's not to say you can't incorporate some of your old traditions, but it's good to have some new ones, too.

Don't try to recreate all of it. Unless you're fortunate enough to all be together, your kids will know it's not the same, and that there's obviously someone missing, which can be sad.

The holidays can be a happy time for kids, and part of that comes from making new traditions.

Don't dwell on what your missing; create new traditions. Overall, Simoneau says she can't emphasize enough: Put your differences aside, and remember that your kids come first!

To read it all and to see an excerpt from the book, go to CBS News. 

Minimize divorce trauma during the holidays

10 TIPS TO MINIMIZE DIVORCE TRAUMA DURING THE HOLIDAYS.

The holidays are a particularly challenging time for families going through divorce. There are all these images out there of perfect family holidays, yet your own family is coping with a situation that is anything but perfect. Holidays are a time when the difference between fantasy and reality can be very painful, and this is particularly true if you are going through a divorce. Whether this is the last holiday before the divorce starts, is a holiday during the divorce or is a holiday immediately after divorce, you may be feeling overwhelmed, sad and perhaps a bit anxious.

In offering 10 tips to minimize divorce trauma during the holidays, we certainly do not suggest you put yourself under additional pressure to be perfect. There is no one right way to minimize the trauma of divorce during the holidays. Nevertheless, a few tips from those who have worked with many others going through divorce may lighten your burden:

1. Recognize you are not alone. In the United States, 52% of first marriages and 62% of second marriage end in divorce. The greeting card images of warmth and loving families are not the reality for many, many families. You are not alone if you or someone you love is in the middle of a divorce or just finalized a divorce.

2. Acknowledge that you need to take care of yourself. You are preoccupied, forgetful, clumsy and accident prone. You need to create a health promoting environment around you, and do what you need to relax. Take a walk alone, go to movies, get a massage, or take a fitness class.

3. Stay in the present. This is not the year to dwell on holidays past or worry over holidays future. The past is especially non-productive. Whether the holidays with your "ex" were wonderful or terrible, you will not find it helpful to mull them over right now. Now is the time to make new traditions for yourself and your family.

4. Choose to be a survivor. With any trauma, such as divorce, you have a choice between being a survivor or a victim. The challenge of divorce can actually make you stronger, if you choose survival. To be a survivor, you must stop processing and reprocessing the same old stuff. We know it is not easy to stop digging through the remains of your feelings, but you need to

5. Put the legal and financial side of the divorce "on hold" until January, unless you have a hearing this month. Be careful not to make decisions or large expenditures while under the influence of the holidays.

6. Be the adult parent for your children. Every parenting exchange is likely to be somewhat more emotionally charged as the holidays approach. The parental divorce involves a deliberate decision to keep the trauma away from your children. Remember that the goal is for the children to remember the holidays as a time of joy. You don't want the children to remember their folks always fought for the holidays.

7. The spousal divorce gets tricky this time of year. Feelings are escalated. You may want to exchange holiday greetings with your extended "ex" family. If you have a relationship with a former sister-in-law, call her but don't discuss the divorce. Don't be shocked if some of your "ex-in-laws" treat you as an "ex human being," though, and don't assume that the discomfort of this Christmas will plague all future Christmases.

8. Celebrate your mood swings. You might as well simply acknowledge that you will have mood swings, and treat the ups and downs as a normal component of the divorce process. Try to avoid exaggerating the mood swings with excessive use of alcohol, however, as the reality is that alcohol acts as a depressant, and clouds your judgment. (See, your high school health teacher was right.)

9. Plan what you will do with the rest of your life. This time of year presents wonderful opportunities for reflection. You are now free to guide your own destiny, based on what is meaningful to you. Think about the things you always wanted to do, but never made room for. The divorce process, painful as it can be, also is a liberation to make plans that suit your interests, needs and personality. Do you have a vocation you have never developed? Think of moving, regenerating, reenergizing, gaining both health and perspective. Plan to participate in a charity project, to help yourself by helping others.

10. Have Fun. Think of what makes you smile...get away from the intensity. Give yourself some space to actually celebrate and have a good time with friends and family. You are not betraying your sorrow at saying good-bye to a failed marriage if you actually have some fun.

Remember, after the holidays you have an entire lifetime to deal with the changes in your life. It is not necessary to force yourself to get every emotional issue handled right now. Take time in this time of celebration and peace to give peace to yourself, so you will have strength to give peace to others.

From YourHub.com.

You, too, can celebrate the end of a marriage in style

Divorce parties aren't just for the stars anymore

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes may still be in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, but with the recent slew of Hollywood divorces, you can bet it won't be long before breakup rumors start to swirl.

From Pamela and Kid Rock to Reese and Ryan to Britney and Kevin, divorce seems to be the order of the day for today's celebrities.

But where it may have once been considered a time of sadness or even embarrassment, some are choosing a more upbeat approach, reveling with friends and even holding "divorce parties" to celebrate new beginnings.

Former Meet the Barkers star and Dancing With the Stars contestant Shanna Moakler increased awareness of such parties when she held one, complete with a three-tier cake featuring a knife-wielding bride and bloodied groom, earlier this month at the Bellagio's Light Nightclub in Las Vegas. "She had a great time," said Andrew Wintner, vice president of marketing for the Light Group, adding that public interest after Moakler's party was so great that the company is in the process of creating a party program specifically for the newly divorced. "Instead of celebrating the end of someone's freedom, we'll be celebrating the beginning of their freedom," Wintner said.

Christine Gallagher, author of The Woman's Book of Divorce who runs www.divorcepartyplanner.com, said increased interest in divorce parties is based in part on a need for companionship during crisis. "For most major life events we have some sort of ritual or ceremony or gathering to help us through it," Gallagher said. "With divorce, people are kind of on their own. It can be really depressing. A divorce party can be a very primitive way to gather around and help the person through what is a horrible time."

Gallagher said parties can range from small gatherings on the day the divorce is final to raucous events featuring playlists with songs like I Will Survive and signature drinks like "marriage on the rocks." "I've heard of people spending as much as they did on their wedding," Gallagher said.

Peggy Savant is the owner of www.PartyHearse.com, which opened last month and offers "eternally memorable" hearse rentals in parts of Louisiana and Texas, including Houston. She said she has been surprised by the inquiries for divorce-party transportation. "From time to time I've had friends that would call and say, 'I've got my divorce party tonight,' " Savant said. "I didn't think that would be something that was going to be one of my main menu items."

One of the inquiries Savant received came from a Lake Jackson resident named Ed, who plans to rent a hearse and party with friends in downtown Houston when his divorce is final early next year. "It's kind of the death of this marriage, the death of this part of my life," said Ed, asking that his last name not be used to prevent his children from learning about the party. "I'm somewhat conflicted, because it's not something to be happy about. It's an event in somebody's life, but at the same time it's something that's happened and you make the best of it. It's a new start."

Gallagher said she often hears from critics who are angered by the concept of divorce parties. She said that while the parties are not for everyone, they can be helpful for people in need of closure. "It's more got to do with what's good for you. What do you need to do to get you through this bad time? Do you need to have a good time with lots of fun and laughter? Do you need to do something more serious?" Gallagher said. "What do you need for your own sort of therapy?"

See the pictures at the Houston Chronicle.

Dating after divorce -- not your parents' experience

The rising popularity of Web sites such as Meetup.com make it easy for local single parents to connect off- and online

A beautiful thing happened on Sunday afternoon for single Moms and Dads. A rare moment during their ultra-hectic lives as single parents, more than 30 divorced fathers and mothers got the opportunity to socialize and connect with each other while their kids took part in the festivities of a Halloween bash held at Fun Station USA, Travis.

The group of single parents welcomed the chance to swap stories and bond over their shared experiences while their children, dressed in Halloween costumes, were off enjoying unlimited parachute and bumper car rides, arcade games, a costume pageant and a talented balloon artist.

Many strangers before the event, the group of divorced parents met through an increasingly popular Web site called Meetup.com, which helps to bring together people with similar interests and who live in the same vicinity. Through the Web site, Carla Giordano, a 37-year-old single Rossville mother with two kids, Michael, 9, and Jenna, 7, formed the Staten Island Single Parents Meetup group back in March. Today the group has 48 members.

Ms. Giordano decided to put together Sunday's event, which was sponsored by Richmond County Day Camp, as a way for single parents to mix and mingle, hopefully form connections as well as show the kids a good time. "This is the first actual event that I've attended, so I'm kind of new to this," Kevin Moran, a Dongan Hills father, said. Divorced for four years, Moran said he joined the group because it has activities for both single parents and their kids, something which allows him to spend quality time with his daughter, Summer, of whom he has joint custody, as well as to get to know other people in similar situations. "What is nice is this gives Summer a chance to meet new kids," he added, smiling as he watched his 10-year-old daughter, dressed up as Disney's Hannah Montana, race from ride to ride. "And it doesn't hurt that there are parents here who have gone through similar experiences. There's definitely something to be said for that commonality."

Michelle Schiraldi and her 7-year-old daughter, Katelyn, who was dressed in pink scrubs and a surgical mask, became a member for similar reasons. "I really joined this group so that my daughter could meet other kids that live like her," she said. "I don't want her to grow up feeling like she's the only kid in the world who doesn't have a dad that lives at home with her," added the Rossville mom, who has been divorced for seven years.

BETTER THAN BEFORE Indeed, the Meetup get-togethers are certainly a departure from the stereotypical divorce meetings of years past. It used to be that single parents would have to scurry around to find a sitter for their kids for the evening and then head off to a slightly gloomy room at a church or community center. And it was there that they'd sit awkwardly among others who found themselves in the similar situation of being young, single and divorced with kids. Fortunately, these days single parents can use the Web as a resource to find like-minded divorced parents with whom they can share their experiences.

Sort of like a 24/7 support group, parents can log on any time of the day and connect with other single parents who are searching for community, friendship and maybe a little romantic passion, too. What's great about Ms. Giordano's group is that she aims to host regular local events, where parents can meet with their kids in tow and enjoy a day of bowling. She also hosts adult-only events, like at a restaurant where members can enjoy good food and conversation and can unwind from the daily stresses of single parenting.

Like many of her counterparts, Ms. Giordano struggles with the daily herculean task of juggling work and parenting her two kids. She's caught up in preparing meals, doing homework, carpooling to baseball and ballet practices, all the while attempting to ensure that her kids are emotionally well-adjusted. Yet, amid all this flurry of activity, Ms. Giordano is intent on resurrecting her social life. "As for the dating scene, it's horrible after divorce, people look at you differently, like you are an easy target or prey," Ms. Giordano said. "I've been a single parent now for three years, and what I've learned is that, yes, it is very hard at times. "While you need to focus on your children," she continued, "you also need to try to have some sort of a social life, which is exactly the reason why I formed this group," she said, adding that she believes the group is a great way for divorced parents to help each other with the ups and downs of single parenting.

IT'S A CHALLENGE When asked about her social life, Christine Caruthers, a divorced, 30-something mom, living in Eltingville with her 11-year-old son, quips that at this stage of her life she is, "currently looking for a convent that will take slightly used women and children."

IT'S A CHALLENGE  When asked about her social life, Christine Caruthers, a divorced, 30-something mom, living in Eltingville with her 11-year-old son, quips that at this stage of her life she is, "currently looking for a convent that will take slightly used women and children." But all kidding aside, Ms. Caruthers, a newbie to the Staten Island Single Parents Meetup Group, admits that dating after divorce has its own set of challenges and the learning curve is a lot trickier than she had anticipated.

"I've never tried online dating because I am too scared of winding up in a body bag," Ms. Caruthers joked. "A few of my friends have set me up but nothing that ever worked out ... I have a busy life and sometimes it's difficult to get a sitter." Divorced for seven years, Ms. Caruthers said that, as the custodial parent, most of her son's care falls squarely on her shoulders -- which doesn't leave her a lot of time to "look for Mr. Right." "I've never had a serious relationship since my divorce," she said. "I have dated a few guys (separately) over a period of time and it's been difficult trying to balance all the different parts of my life," said Ms. Caruthers.

She said some guys don't understand that her son comes first and some feel the need to give her advice. She feels "torn from being pulled in both directions" of pleasing her children and her dates. "Then there's the constant running around and late hours [of dating]," she said, noting that she is not as young as she used to be. "I'm actually exhausted from trying to keep a social life." She decided to join Ms. Giordano's group in hopes that she will meet other single parents like her -- parents who do everything alone and who want friends who understand what it is like day in and day out to be a single parent. Plus, it just might be the best way to meet a man who, because of being in a similar situation, fully understands the stresses of single parenthood.

SINGLE IN STATEN ISLAND  Silver Lake resident, Loretta Kennedy, a 40-something mother of four kids, ages 14 to 21, knows how difficult it is to juggle parental duties and find time to squeeze in a social life. "I started dating about 18 months after my separation, mainly to combat the loneliness that I experienced when my children were with their dad," Ms. Kennedy said. "My friends were all married and weekends were difficult." After one relationship she had post-separation ended, Ms. Kennedy decided to form her own Meetup group, the Single in Staten Island Meetup Group.

The group, which welcomes older singles as members, was formed in August. Already, it boasts 80 members, who hold discussions online as well as meet in person at adult-only events. "Singles groups are a great way to meet others without the pressure of a one-on-one date," Ms. Kennedy said. And it isn't only about romantic connections, she observed. "Meeting other divorced women has been just as helpful to me as meeting men, probably more so," she added. "I've made some wonderful women friends along the way who have been able to empathize and who have been a constant source of support, guidance and love when days aren't so positive."

Still, Ms. Kennedy encourages more men to sign up with the group. "I am certain there are many men out there who could benefit from this type of group as well," she said. "I am hoping there will be many lasting friendships that develop from my new Single in Staten Island Meetup Group," she said eagerly. "And maybe some romances, too!"

From the Staten Island Advance.

Redecorating after divorce can be refreshing experience

Divorce can be an opportunity to redecorate. Not an opportunity most of us would hope for but an opportunity nonetheless.

“Regardless of the circumstances, the transition is difficult, but I find that working with clients after a divorce can be a healing experience for them,” said Kim Kenney, interior designer with Interiors, Joan and Associates.

“Working with a designer to furnish or refurnish a room provides a positive experience for clients as they strive to establish their own identity and search for new beginnings,” she said. “As the interior designer on these projects, my greatest reward is to watch and enjoy my clients’ self-esteem build and their identities strengthen.”

Decorating or redecorating after a divorce can be an opportunity to decorate in a way that reflects your style without having to compromise, which is often the case in a marriage, said Drew Morrow, interior designer with Morrow Interiors.

One of his clients embraced a decorating style far different from what he lived with when he was married. His former wife kept all the Oriental furnishings, and he pursued his desire for Western-themed decor. Kenney worked with a client whose favorite color was red, a color her former husband hated. “She showed up to an appointment one day looking totally refreshed and dressed in a new red suit. With her black hair and ivory complexion, she looked stunning,” Kenney said.

That became the theme for the client’s great room. The walls were painted red and accented with floral and striped fabrics. One of Kenney’s male clients maintained the family home after the divorce. As a couple, they bought the home with the intention of redecorating but that had been pushed to the wayside.

Once the divorce was final, the pink, baby blue and cream lace window treatments were taken down, the floral wallpaper was stripped, and the pink chandelier went away. “Those items were replaced with sleek contemporary designs of black, burgundy, camel and brushed nickel. He went from an extremely ‘busy’ feminine style to a stately, handsome environment,” Kenney said.

Some men who find themselves on their own again opt for leather furniture and a clean, contemporary look, but their strongest interest often is acquiring the latest technology, “which may have been a repressed desire during the marriage,” Morrow said. Not everyone can afford an interior designer after a divorce but that’s OK. “Many of us start with things that don’t come out of furniture stores,” said Gayle Andres, Singles Ministry director at St. Mark’s United Methodist Church.

Thrift stores, consignment stores, garage sales and furnishings from family and friends can be a good start. Andres advises the newly divorced to avoid making big decisions, including decorating decisions, for a couple of years after the divorce because decisions made early on can be reactionary, rather than wise. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have it your way, she said. “But if you love pink, maybe you should get a pink chair or a pink lamp instead of pink carpet. If you love Oriental things, buy a few at a time.”

After a difficult divorce, one woman looked at her house, which was practically empty except for two beds and a loveseat, and was filled with despair. “You can have fun redecorating,” said one of her friends, trying to console her. “But I can’t afford to,” was the reply. The friend took her to garage sales — a new experience for her — and the friend bartered for coffee tables and lamps, restocking the house in a hodgepodge of furnishings. 

It wasn’t the stuff of HGTV, but it was a good thing to do. “It helps to reframe your picture of yourself, from victim or depressed to having fun starting anew. It frees you to see yourself as capable of starting over,” said psychologist Pat Street. And a sense of humor, if you can muster it, can help, too. “I always say that she got everything named Ethan Allen and I got everything that said bill,” said Jim Danielson of his divorce. He smiled as he added: “I still miss my pots and pans.”

Read it all at the JournalStar.

Tread carefully when dating after divorce

If you thought dating was difficult before you got married, it doesn’t get any easier after divorce. Everyone has baggage, but divorced people often tend to carry more of it, especially when they’re just returning to the dating scene.

Additionally, divorced people are out of practice when it comes to dating, so it can be challenging even for the most social of creatures.

Often, people coming out of divorce are either too hesitant or too quick to start dating again. If your ex-spouse was the one who decided to leave the marriage, you may find yourself dealing with an extra dose of insecurity. On the other hand, if you left your spouse emotionally some time ago or find yourself uncomfortable being single again, you may be tempted to begin dating too soon — even before your divorce is final.

As a rule of thumb, it’s best to wait at least six months before dating again. That allows you time to deal with the complex emotional and legal issues of divorce and to grieve the loss of one relationship before starting another. It also gives you time to reassess where you are in your life, what went wrong in your marriage relationship and what you want out of future relationships.

If you begin dating and find that you are depending on that other person to make you feel better about yourself and less lonely and are waiting by the phone every night for him or her to call, those are indicators you may need more time to become emotionally stronger before becoming involved with someone again.

When you do start dating again, heeding this advice could help avoid common pitfalls:

• Take it slowly and pace yourself. It can be easy to slip into an exclusive relationship right away, but it’s best to make sure you have many social connections outside the person you’re dating.
• Accept that you may be hurt again. n Resist becoming sexual too soon. When you do become intimate, be smart about it and practice safe sex. If you were married for a long time, you’ll find safe sex a much bigger issue now than before marriage.
• Be careful not to transfer issues from the marriage to your new dating companion. If your spouse was unfaithful, don’t bring that distrust to the current relationship (without good reason).
• If you have children, take everything even more slowly. Wait longer to begin dating and when you do, don’t introduce casual dates to your children.

Many people find it helpful to participate in divorce support groups, since people there are going through (or have gone through) many of the same issues you’re experiencing.

Also, check out some books on the grief process as it relates to divorce. “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends” by Bruce Fisher has proven helpful to many people as they rebuild their lives after divorce.

Finally, remember that in many ways dating after divorce can be part of the healing process. Having a successful date (or two or three or four) can help you affirm your positive qualities, demonstrate you can have fun again and assure you that other people still find you attractive in a number of ways. In the end, that’s a wonderful way to overcome the loss of a failed marriage.

From the Holmen Courier.