Our newest advice expert on relationships answers questions about dissolving marriages and troubled families.
When the economy turns sour, so too can marriages.
Financial woes are the second-most common cause for divorce, according to a survey on the Web site divorce360.com, behind only abuse.
So until the home mortgage crisis is over and our 401Ks have bounced back, we expect some of you couples could use some advice.
Mary O'Connor, the founder of Family Assessment, Counseling and Education Services, is the Register's newest advice expert. She'll answer questions from you about marriages that are dissolving, about families that are trying to stay together, and about issues that face parents and children after divorce.
O'Connor led thousands of mediation cases with the Orange County Superior Court before starting the nonprofit FACES 20 years ago. The organization offers parenting classes, monitors visits between estranged parents and children, and provides counseling and mental heath services. O'Connor also runs a private practice.
Q: Cultural acceptance of divorce obviously changed a great deal in the 1960s and 1970s. What has changed in the past two decades?
A: Where religion used to be a deterrent for divorce, it's no longer. Where certain cultures didn't get divorced, those cultures are now getting divorced. Where people used to get married, they no longer get married. So there are more children of non-married relationships than ever.
Also, when I started in the '80s, there were as many men leaving women as women leaving men; then, it was mostly women doing the separating. Now, I think it's come full circle, half-and-half.
Q: Are divorces less combative now?
A: When there are no children involved, it doesn't seem to be as hard of a breakup. But when there are children involved, there is such passion and time spent. The shift is that fathers are taking more part in the parenting than they ever did before. So when they separate, they're seen as much as a custodial parent as the other parent.
And, financially, if mother is making as much as father, she's able to afford as much legal representation as father. Many years ago, mother didn't even have the resources to be represented by an attorney.
Q: Is the cultural momentum away from marriage going to continue? Will my grandkids even get married?
A: I do think people like commitment, stability, and that traditional feeling of having a partner. But I think serial monogamy might be more common.
Your grandkids will get married, but for different reasons than we do now. Years ago, the going theory was a woman needs to be taken care of and a man needs to protect. Obviously, we've changed all that. Both of them are out hunting and fishing; both are nurturing the children.
So why are people getting married now? Companionship. Laughter. And to guarantee a single lovemaker on a regular basis. That's got to be one of the reasons, right?
Q: Is your counseling approach different for non-married parents?
A: The only difference we have is it's two last names. Getting the relationship better is still the issue. We've got to keep reminding them the kid needs both of them. They're not the same, but the child needs to learn who they are as a human being from the mother and the father.
That's what we're trying to stress. Yes, the other person does things wrong that you didn't like, and that's why you want to get rid of them, but the child likes that parent no matter what. The child has unconditional love.
Q: In cases without abuse, do you think parents staying together is nearly always healthy for the child?
A: Academically, yes. Yes, yes, yes. The phenomenon of their parents splitting up causes abandonment issues, depression, anger, causes resentments, causes the child to be feeling like a ping pong ball. It causes new families to be created, and for that child to feel like they don't belong to any family.
The repercussions of divorce, compared to being married, it's like 90/10 to me.
Q: Aren't there similar repercussions to having parents in a loveless marriage?
A: Yes. When kids see dysfunction in their relationship, they act it out. But there are still more folks around to love them. These kids with an absent parent have a yearning. In other words: Mom and Dad may not have that great a relationship, but they could both have a great relationship with the kid. So think about that!
Q: What should parents do if they have a seed of dissatisfaction in the relationship?
A: Go right away to counseling. Nip it in the bud. Start making a gratitude list for what you already have. Get your repair work going. Fix that dike before it grows.
Q: Are adults really capable of making major changes so late in life?
A: We've really seen people in the parenting classes dazed and amazed. Like, "I don't have to scream and yell at my child across the room! I can walk over to the child and get down on my knees and ask them questions. I can do something different than my parents did." That's where social change starts coming. These small ways of relating are just different.
Of course some people fall back on their old habits. Not everybody is going to pick it up and keep it forever. But once you learn something new, it's there.
From the OC Register.
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