Avoid sides when friends divorce

Q: Is it OK to resume a friendship with the ex-husband of an old friend? Following their divorce all the friends took the wife's side. She bad-mouthed her ex and we all bought into it. Now I am divorced and remarried and I saw my friend's ex at their son's wedding. I felt sorry for him as he told me how rejected he felt by all of us. What is the proper etiquette in these cases? I know my friend wouldn't like it as she can be a bit controlling. Do I respect her wishes and therefore say goodbye forever to her ex-husband as my friend?

A: As a general rule it's best not to take sides, and don't let either side intimidate you into thinking you should. If you're a friend to both, stay a friend to both. But that's if the couple split because of irreconcilable differences. If there was infidelity or violence or something that caused your friend pain or embarrassment, then it's understandable if you choose to be friends with one and not the other. Even that decision, however, can backfire. We don't live with our friends and are not party to the real reasons they break up; extenuating circumstances might be uncovered down the road.

Bad-mouthing an ex is pretty standard behavior after a divorce, and it's easy to be swayed by a friend's anger or pain. Now that you have divorced, you know how it feels when friends walk away, and it sounds as if you now see the value in maintaining both friendships. In that case, you must weigh how resuming your friendship with this man will affect your friendship with his ex-wife. Time has gone by and the decision may not affect her as strongly now. Or she could still carry a grudge and it's the last time she'll call you to go shopping. Consider if she's the type of friend who plays tit for tat when she's angry. How would you feel about her hanging around with your ex-husband? If that's a problem, think twice.

If your new husband and you do decide to renew your friendship with your friend's ex, consider good ex-etiquette rule No. 8: "Be honest and straightforward." In other words, no lying about sitting with him at the football game and then acting as if you don't know him to protect yourself against your friend's anger. Stand behind the decision -- or don't do it. Finally, when being friends with both, don't be the messenger -- stay out of the middle.

From the Contra Costa Times.