Know the traits common to abusers

Dear Readers:  Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a letter from "Smothered in Michigan," a recently divorced mother of two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She's now dating his "polar opposite" who "treats her like a queen" and is "loving, affectionate, generous and caring."

She went on to say he stops by her job "only a few" times a day, and the minute she's home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are with him – he pays for everything – and he doesn't leave until her kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful, but instead feels "indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened." Her question: "Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like being spoiled?"

I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about personal space, that she's still healing from her divorce, and he seems so smitten or insecure that he's preventing her from figuring out where she ends and he begins.

Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.

Today I'll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:

• PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
• JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
• CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
• UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
• ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
• BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
• MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," or "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
• HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
• CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
• "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
• VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
• RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
• SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
• PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
• THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't really mean it."

From Dear Abby in the Orange County Register.

Comments

[BeenThere...NeverAgain]

A (new) Item for this list, should be:

"May turn the tables on you, if you do seriously threaten or actually pursue a divorce, by posturing that YOU were/are the abuser".

This happened to me. I spent a night in the county jail, when husband called police (despite fact we both held restrain from offensive conduct Orders and I cited (just prior to my arrest) his 10-plus year (documented with same local police department, mind you) history of his abuse toward me (including 6 to 12 filed incidents leading up to his SINGLE accusation on night of my arrest that I packed his belongings "...and threatened to burn them if I didn't leave our home by the morning, officer". THe officer whom arrested me (led me out of my home in my pajamas (I had been in my bed when husband arrived home) at midnight in handcuffs, as my 10-year old child lay sleeping in her bed). I admitted to having packed his belongings, at his request during telephone conversation earlier in the evening, when I ordered him from the home due to his having FAILED to surrender two firearms he owned. Even after sharing all this with the arresting officer, it was I whom was led away...in abject humiliation.

PLease be advised that the Abuser of Today is particularly diabolical. OJ sure taught them plenty.

[Bed Wetting Solutions]

A friend of mine has just become a victim of domestic violence on a seriously severe scale,... she's lucky to be alive.

I am in disbelief that the system then concentrates on relocating her and her children from the area instead of relocating her 'thuggish husband',... after all she's the victim in this.

Unbelievable.