How to make a difference for a child of divorce even as a bystander

Divorce these days surrounds us. Children everywhere are affected. It affects our grandkids, our nieces and nephews, our neighbors, our students or patients, and many other kids that touch our daily lives. Sometimes on the outside it's hard to know what to do.

After all, these kids are missing their parents. They are subjected to different rules and routines. Sometimes they are even the victims of intense emotional battles that rage between their parents. From the outside looking in, it's a helpless feeling watching these situations. So just what can you do? Here are ten suggestions to help make a difference for a child of divorce you might know:

1. Give lots of hugs. A child who is being bounced around between homes may not be getting the kind of love and attention she needs. Don't force it, but be ready to show affection when she needs it. Pay extra attention to the children. Mom and Dad often don't realize how neglectful they have become and the kids need all the love they can get.

2. Listen. When a child is feeling comfortable enough to talk to you about the situation, just be there and listen. You don't need to offer suggestions just give them a safe place to share what they are feeling.

3. Suggest a support group. If you have the kind of relationship with either parent that you can make suggestion, you may want to suggest a support group. There are divorce groups for the parents as well as grief organizations (such as Rainbows.org) for kids.

4. Don't talk down about either parent. Children need a safe-haven for discussion and if you insert your feelings, especially negative ones, the child is less likely to feel comfortable talking with you.

5. Read together. Reading out loud can be very soothing. You may wish to include a few books on the subject of divorce or split-family living. It may be enough to help them realize the feelings they are keeping inside and begin opening up about them. It also helps them to realize they are not unique in this kind of lifestyle. If it seems appropriate give or lend the books to the parents to possibly begin their own conversation.

6. Stay neutral. No matter how bad you want to take sides, don't. Keep those feelings to yourself and help the children feel comfortable about confiding and sharing feelings.

7. Do not get involved. Unless you are legally required to do so, do not get involved. It is very difficult to know both sides of a story, nor do you probably want to. You may some day need support from both parents for some unknown reason and you do not want to have burned any bridges.

8. Stay firm. Whatever rules or expectations were in force in your dealings with the child should not change. Softening your expectations sets the child up to use his circumstances to not be the best he can be. Staying firm can be one step that can prevent a child from spiraling into poor behavior.

9. Start a new tradition. Offer to take the child to the library and start a book club where you each pick a book for the other to read. Maybe go for ice-cream on Tuesday afternoons. Do something to reinforce your relationship with the child.

10. Learn the routine. If you show frustration with the schedules and routines, children will see that. If instead you accept the routines and try to make the best of it, you will take extra frustration out of the child's life, and he doesn't feel like he is doing something so unusual.

Source for post is SheKnows.

Comments

[Madeline Binder, M.S. Counseling, M.S. Ed.]

Thank you. This is an excellent article. When parents are divorcing or even afterwards, children need a support group besides their parents. Family members are a excellent resource. That is why it is so important for family members to not take sides when Mom and Dad divorce.

Madeline Binder
www.children-and-divorce.net

When you are family to your children you are family to each other - FOREVER

You want your kids to experience their birthdays, holidays and special occassions in peace, harmony and joy.

And they do go on to have kids of their own. I know from experience. This last year we all had Thanksgiving together - my son and his family (3 grandkids), my daughter, my former husband and his wife, and myself.

[Divorced Mom of four]

I just happened across this article. May I interject a bit of experience?
While this article aims at being well meaning I have had some experience with people who just wanted to help. Bottom line is you should go thru the parents. If that is one or the other or better, both , than sobeit.
But, putting yourself in the role of child confidante also places you in the position of having to decide what info Mom and Dad should know. It places you in the position of filtering what the child says. Is the child being truthful or manipulating you? My experience is well meaning outsiders do not know the child well enough to see that they might be lying or exaggerating in order to garner sympathy or attention, money or worse.
What will you do if daughter tells you shes been having sex (not uncommon with a teen and oftentimes her way to act out or attempt to find "love" because of her situation.) Do you breach the confidence for the good of the child or keep quiet and hope for the best because you have deemed yourself their "buddy"?
Playing confidante or substitute parent is interfering and undermines the relationship of child and parent that is undergoing changes. Outsiders' doing the parenting is not always helpful and can damage the relationship between the parents and child during this difficult time.
Talk to the parent if you think the child needs extra attention or help. ASK , do not assume your intentions will be considered honorable.
Last, do not assume without good evidence that the kids are taking a back burner to either parents feelings. Most of my friends are divorced and I can say with experience that the children are and remain a daily concern which is taken seriously and acted upon in daily discussions and heart to hearts.
Divorce affects everyone for a long period of time, there is no quick fix for kids and the path to their parents should not be obstructed.

[Children and Divorce]

I was not assuming that the children's communication would be obstructed by family members. My children found great salvation in having access to their grandmother. She did not take sides and did not give advice, but was a great listener. I was grateful that they had another ear and someone her loved them.

Grandparents, if can stay neutral, are wonderful people to add to a support system during and after a divorce. This does not diminish the importance of children and parents communication.