Parental alienation: The latest weapon in nasty divorces

"Welcome to the swamp."

That's what a judge once told a client of Anchorage divorce attorney Steve Pradell when accusations of parental alienation were leveled against the client in a custody hearing.

Parental alienation syndrome - a controversial diagnosis to describe a child who compulsively denigrates one parent in response to consistent brainwashing by the other parent - has become a common weapon in custody cases.

"It happens all the time," said Michael R. Walsh, a divorce attorney in Orlando, Fla. "If Mom can't hurt Dad another way, what has she got left after she's tried to rake him over the coals on everything else?"

According to Richard Gardner, the psychologist who is considered the father of the syndrome, it typically manifests itself as a campaign of denigration by one parent against the other, which is accompanied by weak, frivolous and absurd rationalizations for the deprecation. As a result of this steady campaign of insult, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the targeted parent.

But the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has "no official position on the purported syndrome," according to a statement in its website. The legal community is divided as well. While many family lawyers believe the syndrome is a legitimate psychological diagnosis, others view it as nonsense. They say it's used primarily by parents who want someone to blame for their poor relationship with their children. "I think it's more of a code word that gets used in trial because one parent is not maintaining the relationship with the children and believes the other parent is interfering with the relationship," said Minneapolis divorce attorney Susan Gallagher.

Like it or not, parental alienation has become a common weapon in courts across the country. Even in jurisdictions that don't recognize it as a diagnosable syndrome in children, lawyers can still argue straight parental alienation - that one parent's attempts to turn the child against the other parent indicates that the first parent is not fit to have custody. Sometimes the behavior that prompts charges of parental alienation is subtle - frequent disparaging remarks within earshot of the child or setting up appointments and activities for the child during times when the other parent is scheduled to have visitation. Other times it is openly aggressive, such as unfounded accusations of child abuse or neglect. In some cases, a parent is deluded enough to believe their unfounded accusations - and other times when the accusations are true - so sorting out what is real and what is not can be a tall order for the courts.

"I can't tell you if the syndrome exists psychologically, but I can say it's very troubling and one of the hardest things for a judge to figure out if it's really happening," said Pradell. It's also possible for the child to be alienated from one parent without any campaign of denigration by the other. "Just for the sake of illustration, a 13-year-old girl finds out before Mom that Dad is cheating on Mom. That 13-year-old girl may become alienated from Dad, not because of Mom, but the alienation is there," said Patrick O'Reilly of Buffalo, head of the Family Law Section of the New York Bar Association. As the Anchorage judge said: "Welcome to the swamp."

Making it stick

Although parental alienation has become a common weapon in custody cases around the country, proving it can be a tall order. "It's like everything else in a custody case - it all comes down to what you can prove at trial. A lot of bad things happen, but they're very difficult to prove," said Ben Stevens of Stevens MacPhail in Spartanburg, S.C. The best place to begin is with witnesses - anyone who was present when one of the alienating interactions occurred.

In some states, clients can record telephone calls or other conversations to create audio evidence. O'Reilly suggested that lawyers encourage their clients to communicate via e-mail and voice mail to create a tangible record. This will be far more effective in court than the typical he-said/she-said battles that dominate most custody battles. But the heart of any parental alienation case is the expert testimony, according to Stevens. "Take the child to a mental health professional and let him do testing," he suggested. "Then you've got an expert witness to come and say, 'In my expert opinion, this is what's going on.'"

It many cases the judge will require a court-appointed psychologist to work with both parents and the children in order to obtain a non-partisan expert opinion. In a similar vein, lawyers may want to ask the court to appoint a guardian ad litem who will advocate on behalf of the child to determine whether parental alienation has occurred.

In the end, though, lawyers should be prepared for a tough battle. "It's very hard to prove, because if you have the client from whom the children are estranged, you don't have a child willing to cooperate with the process, and that's where most of the proof would be," O'Reilly said.

Defending against a charge

These same strategies, and a few others, are useful if unfounded allegations of alienation are leveled against your client. "Obviously they have the burden to prove the client's doing something," said O'Reilly. "It's not, 'The child doesn't talk to me, res ipsa it's your fault.' You have a little bit of advantage." First, make sure your client always takes the high road. Although the natural instinct of clients is to become indignant and defend themselves vehemently, protesting too loudly could undermine their credibility in the eyes of the court, said Gallagher. Instead, develop an action plan for how your client can build a stronger relationship with the children.

Change any behavior that is suspect. Have clients tell the judge that while they don't feel there is evidence to support the allegation, they are seeking the help of a professional as a precaution, and are prepared to change any behavior that is deemed inappropriate. "Who is not confident in a parent who is going to do and say that?" Gallagher asked. But just as in the case of the accuser, the most powerful weapon for a client who is accused of alienation is the psychological expert. "A good forensic expert has credibility because that person doesn't represent your guy and doesn't represent the other party - he's appointed by the court," said Tom Carnes of Carnes Ely in Houston.

Third-party witnesses can also be a powerful weapon in court. "Try to line up witnesses that would have had the opportunity to see [the parent] interact with the child. Teachers, scout leaders, dance teachers, karate teachers - people who see them during times when parents let their guard down and can say, 'I've never seen Dad say anything bad about Mom or Mom say anything bad about Dad,'" Stevens suggested. Finally, Carnes suggests that lawyers request more visits between the targeted parent and child in an effort to strengthen the relationship between them. Of course, the best defense against an alienation charge is to make sure it's never made in the first place.

Advise your client not to get in the middle of disputes between the child and the other parent, O'Reilly advised. If a child refuses to go with the non-custodial parent, the custodial parent should insist. He or she should tell the child that the judge has required the visit. "I encourage my clients to act reasonably, assume anything they do or say could be shown to the judge - or better yet, that the judge is standing there watching," said Stevens. "I don't know if that's great advice or I've just had good clients, but I haven't had many alienation claims alleged against my clients."

From Lawyers USA.

Comments

[Emily Brown]

How much of the material in the parental alienation article applies to New York State? My soon-to-be-ex husband appears to be trying to building an alienation case against me; meanwhile, I've always encouraged my son and his father to spend as much time together as possible since our separation, and I refrain from saying negative things about the father in front of my son. However, my soon-to-be-ex frequently says negative things about me & to me, often in front of our son, and my son often comes home from visits with his father in a difficult, hostile mood toward me - despite the fact that we usually have a very pleasant, loving and close relationship.

[Ben Stevens]

Jeff, thanks for your post about this article. I am glad that they were able to use some of the information I provided to them. Keep up the great work with your blog. Ben

[Ann Bradley]

"The Spring 2006 issue of the American Bar Association's Children's Legal Rights Journal provides a comprehensive analysis of all legal case involving allegations of PAS. This definitive review concludes that science, law, and policy all oppose the admissibility of PAS in the courtroom." (from a news article discussing PAS). Also, The National Coalition of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, 2006 called PAS "a 'discredited' syndrome that favors child abusers in custody determinations."

Gardner killed himself when his pedophile writing were being found all over the internet and his credibility attacked by lawyers all over the country.

[Jeri Correll]

This continues to this very day. My son graduates this year and I will not be able to see it. I still have to deal with the ex regarding sending the twins to California for summers and Christmas. He is nasty and makes comments, acting as though he doesn't even want them, but I make him see them because they want to. I try to do the right thing, even though I am still afraid of him, and he lies and always comes out ahead. California justice is not present in Indio, CA!

[Jeri Correll]

He just sinks depper into the muck of hatred. I wrote to ask him to have Travis cash his birthday check and I got a "your problem, not mine." It went downhill from there. I didn't even know if he had given my son the card and check to begin with. There are no lawyers I can afford that can fix this one, not with the way Carl lies.

[Lorrie Maguire]

Having survived a particularly vicious court battle over custody that included false accusations of PAS, I have seen how much trouble a parent can make for his ex and his kids, all because it's easier to blame the CP than it is to look in a mirror.

[Christopher Reese]

I am parent trying to gain physical custody of my daughter. She doe not live with her mother but with the grandmother. the mother and I have shared legal custody but the court gave a tempary physical custody to the gradmother Iam in Ga I need help with my case I have filed contempt charges and the judge has not done a thing. School is starting again next month I need my daugther with me and my wife before school starts.The enviroment that my child live in is unfitting for a dog to sleep and eat there. Her grandmother has medical issues and may need to place in the hospital . How do i convince the the judge under the Best interest of the child in Ga that my child need to be with me and my wife . Her mother has visitation but no over night stays for my daughter to her mother home. My daugher and i need some help with a case just like mines i need a case study to use in my favor for the judge to see that IN the Best interest of the child a change of custody is warrented and need to be changed with the farther not the grandmother .

[Lisa]

I have been a target. It is really sad. I have always loved and supported my son, and always will. His dad who verbally and emotionally abuses, has brainwashed him. My son now does the same thing.

[Allen Blackard]

She started the day she took the kids from Hawaii to Palm Spring, Ca when I said, "I will see them this summer" and she responded with "We will see about that". It has been 2.5 years of trying through 5 hearings and I just find out about PAS and now know my children are in SEVERE danger. No one will help! They went from loving me to hating me. Not even 3 months after they left, their mother said my youngest (8 y/o) boy has already forgotten me. She has pleaded to the courts to not allow my boys to fly separate and that I escort them both ways...5 round trip tickets. I pleaded to let me see one at a time during my court ordered visitation until I start making more money. I have just retired from the Military and I have to start an entire new career. I just remarried and my ex has used that against me through my boys so bad, we are scared of my oldest boy after viewing the Dr. Jane Major interview when a boy shot his dad...several times! When there are people with a win or lose attitude who never will allow the other parent near their children, there has to be help out there for this. My ex works a morning and one evening shift a week. the rest of the week while the boys are on school, she plays Ever Quest. That is one of the main reasons I had to leave her, along with her zero desire to improve herself. She does not have a high school diploma nor a GED. She went from 130 pounds to 310 lbs. She bought black curtains for the entire house so they all live in the dark and play Ever Quest and World of War Craft. I on the other hand have worked two jobs while going to school at night full time. I have earned several licenses and am very close to earning my Business Financial Degree. My current wife has a BS in Business Management. We are very structured and do not even own a TV. We exercise and play almost every day, that is of course after we work a lot every day. My ex has always had my support to help her get educated, but it started 5 years into the marriage with soap operas, then gin rummy on the PC and eventually Ever Quest. The one game she chose over her marriage and her kids. She is there for them at the computer...need I say more. Child Protective service, Local Police and now Dr Jane Major have not acted to my cry. I will not quit until this woman is exposed for abusing these young men of mine. Can you imagine a child telling you he does not want to come visit because he is so scared of the color green? They live in the desert (Brown) vs. Hawaii (green)...and his play friend who picks on him (Jeffery). This is all so sickening!!!

[W Wendricks]

I have lived with PAS for the better part of 12 years. My ex’s vilification of me to my children in the 1st couple years of our divorce (when the children were 2 & 5) was horrific with screaming statements like “your father doesn’t want you” when I tried to call them and threats of every kind imaginable being the norm rather than the exception. After the first couple of years, the direct insults and slander (at least in my presence) seemed to settle down. I learned what things seemed to trigger her and avoided them like the plague. We managed to enjoy a few years of relative calm. Later, as the ex was preparing to re-marry, the eldest child decided to move in with my wife and I. (In hindsight, I think it may have been a child’s way of protesting her mother’s remarriage, but I was blind to that possibility at the time.) The child was immediately punished and ostracized by the mother. Her sister, who remained with the mother, was treated very favorably and the favors were rubbed in the face of the “renegade”. From that point forward, we could do no right. Everything we did was subjected to scrutiny and comment – good things were denigrated, any mistakes we made were amplified. Tensions climbed and infighting started. Within a year and a half, the child moved back to the mothers. Then things really started getting bad: the eldest was openly disrespectful, if my wife and I argued as a result of it, the child informed the ex, who, in turn, called the police to our home. After awhile, the child even started using the local police as a means of terminating visitation early to return to the mothers. So on and so on. Today we are locked in a custody battle just so I can retain rights to see the younger child on a regular basis. The older one has sworn us and our home off. My wife and I have to be perfect neutered android parents – no disagreements in front of the kids, no discipline for bad behavior, no changes in plans once they are made, etc. or we get blasted.

Local agencies are of no use whatsoever regardless of documentation or testimony. This sort of behavior is not viewed as abusive or even taken seriously by the child protective services or human services departments here in Oconto County, Wisconsin. Even though they acknowledged that it appears to be more of a “vendetta” on the mother’s part, we were advised to “just try to be the better parents”. That’s all the help we got.

PAS destroys families, hearts and lives. In cases where it can be demonstrated, it should be a crime.