Post-divorce conflicts can affect children

Dr. Joyce Bothers hosts today's Q & A in the Seattle PI:

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: My ex-wife and I are divorced, and our two kids are out of the house -- one in college, the other with a job and her own apartment. The problem? Their mom is spoiling them. She sends them extra money, even though she really can't afford to. She's constantly going out of her way to do them favors, buy them things and send them on vacation. So I have two complaints: I think my ex is trying to buy their favor, and also trying to make me look unsupportive. Meanwhile, how can the kids learn to stand on their own when they each have a combination benefactor/personal assistant to give them anything they want? Am I being unfair? How can I even things out without spoiling the kids even more? -- D.B.

DEAR D.B.: Your problem is illustrative of the fact that divorce sets up conflicts within the family that continue to affect the children even after they are grown up and out of the house. Your ex-wife's extravagance with the kids might have nothing to do with trying to show you up as a father. This may be your own interpretation, based on the troubles between you. This is not to say that the divorce isn't a motivating factor for her generosity; many parents -- particularly mothers -- feel guilty about the breakup of the family, and dishing out extra money to the kids is the easiest way to make themselves feel better. And I have yet to hear of a kid who tries to thwart this instinct.

Neither of you has a relationship with your kids based solely on money, however. If you are feeling left out or at a disadvantage because of your wife's over dependence on money as a salve for her feelings, you might want to concentrate a little harder on maintaining a relationship with each of your children that is based on your mutual interests and caring for them as people. Letting go of petty jealousies with your ex-wife would be a good start -- and don't think your kids won't notice and admire you for it.