Make a date to help daughter bridge your divorce

Another great Q & A from Amy Dickinson in the Chicago Tribune.

Dear Amy: How long should I wait until I ask my 12-year-old daughter how she's adjusting to my divorce from her dad? We've been divorced for three months. She has only cried once, and that was when he moved out.

I take her to see him once a week, and she has spent the night at his place.

My plan was to give her some time and space to digest our new living arrangements and the quietness of the house. Has enough time gone by for me to gently probe?

There haven't been any outward changes in her. She is as happy-go-lucky as ever. However, she is talking in class much more than she used to. She is in 7th grade.

-- Divorced Mom

Dear Mom: I can understand why you wouldn't want to come right out and say, "So, how's divorced life treating you, honey?" But every day presents opportunities to check in with her as you build a life together and adjust to this new, quieter and changed existence.

Let me suggest a weekly "date night" for the two of you. Date night can be a Friday-night movie, Saturday-afternoon coffee or breakfast on Sunday, but it should be a standing time each week that you spend together outside your home.

You can ask your girl how things are going at school and what her visits with her dad are like. Allow her to express her positive emotions and underscore them by listening -- and never criticizing your ex. Once she sees that she can trust you to understand and not overreact to positive emotions, she will feel comfortable expressing her other emotions.

You can also share some of your feelings and ask open-ended questions, such as, "Jeez. Have you noticed how quiet the house is now? It is taking me some time to get used to it. How does it feel to you?"

Also consider getting a pet. Animals give all family members something animate to hug and fuss over and tell your troubles to. A 12-year-old girl might love to have a cat. If you are candidates for pet stewardship, go with your daughter to the local animal shelter, and let a cat adopt you. During those tough and confusing times of adolescence, animals can provide a wonderful physical and emotional outlet.

A sweet novel that you and your daughter might like to read together is "The Ruins of California," by Martha Sherrill (2006, Penguin). Inez Ruin is a spunky, observant girl who travels between the diverse worlds of her divorced parents. Your daughter might see herself in this young heroine.