While many couples create a variety of problems while their relationship is dissolving, communication can save the day for frightened children.
Sam and Diane Malone (their names have been changed to protect their children’s identities) were married for three years before their divorce was finalized in May 2005. The Malones created their own parenting plan for their children, a son now age 5 and a daughter age 3. Diane said their unique plan works for them and their children. While Sam has the children each Monday and Tuesday, Diane has them each Wednesday and Thursday. They alternate each weekend and all holidays, ensuring each of them has as much quality time with the children as possible. The plan is also tailored around each party’s work schedule.
Diane explained they actually talk more now than they did when they were married. “We have busy lives,” she said. “We talk two to three times a day.” During the initial stages of the divorce, and even today, the Malones have conflicts, but they work hard to keep their children out of the middle. “We have lots of arguments, but the big thing is not using the kids. That would be very easy to do,” Sam said.
Both Malones are adamant they will not interfere in the other’s relationship with the children. “When I filed for divorce, I didn’t even dream he would be an ‘every-other-weekend’ dad, or that I would have them full time,” Diane said. “It wouldn’t be fair to the kids. He has always had a strong relationship with them.”
Sam said that relationship didn’t start when the divorce was filed: It started at birth. “They won’t magically want to spend time with you just because you’re Dad,” Sam said. “You have to build that bond or it won’t be there.”
When the Malones divorced, Diane went to the Marion County Courthouse and was given a packet containing lots of information on the new procedures and parenting plans. They took the parenting class, set up their own parenting plan and “had all their ducks in a row” when they went before the judge, Diane said.
Neither Sam nor Diane was represented by a lawyer, though Sam said he consulted several to gain as much information as possible. Sam said he began researching West Virginia laws, reading the state code and consulting lawyers and therapists during the divorce process. Going online for information was also helpful, Sam said. “I don’t believe men realize the laws have changed,” Sam said. “They either need to research or get a lawyer. I know guys that have lost everything because they didn’t know they had rights.”
Throughout his research, Sam learned some of the best things men can do is keep a journal of visits with the children and conversations with their ex-wives. Speaking with other men going through the same process is also helpful, he said. The Malones took advantage of some informal mediation possibilities during the process. They sat down with Diane’s mother, who was an impartial party, Sam said. “It was good to sit down with someone to listen from both sides,” Diane said.
They also took advantage of some professional counseling for them and their children. “Our parenting styles are night and day,” Sam said. “Sometimes we need some help.” All in all, the Malones believe their children are handling the situation well.
Both Sam and Diane’s parents live in the area, and the extended family pitches in to help as much as possible. Diane remarried in April 2006. She explained when teachers and friends ask the children about their families, they talk about everyone, including their stepfather, their grandparents and all their pets. That time the Malone children spend with their parents is very special, Diane said. “I think it’s more quality time,” she said. “We make special plans for our weekends together. We have pizza picnics in the living room.”
While Diane has a husband to help her get the children off to school and her to work on Thursday and Friday mornings, Sam doesn’t have the help. It’s been difficult to organize lots of tasks, such as trips to the grocery store, Sam said. “It’s imperative to find things to entertain them,” he said. “They require interaction more. They want to spend time with you.”
The Malones said they realize right now, the problems can be small, but as the children grow, there will be the possibility for more conflict. They believe keeping the communication lines open, and the children’s well-being the primary focus, is the way to go. “We have an unspoken agreement we won’t go back to court,” Sam said. “It’s better to work through it yourselves.”
Read it all in the Times West Virginia.
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