Amy Dickinson has an advice column in Newsday. Today, she has some great advice:
Dear Amy: I am a recently divorced woman with a 5-year-old daughter. My ex-husband has regular visitation with our daughter and is helping to raise her.
The marriage did not work out because he was verbally and physically abusive. The last thing I want to do is see him or talk to him, but I am forced to because of our daughter.
The problems we have in communicating to each other now are the same problems that were there while we were together. He talks over me and interrupts me when I am speaking, and he dismisses my questions and concerns. He is a verbal bully.
How can I communicate with my ex-husband without feeling as if I just went to war?
Dear Exhausted: I'm wondering if your daughter is safe being partly raised by someone who is verbally and physically abusive. Obviously, you assume that he is able to be a good father, but I would emphasize that even witnessing verbal and physical abuse puts your daughter at risk.
You and your ex would benefit from counseling and perhaps parenting classes.
I realize that at this point you probably think couples counseling is quite beside the point, but thoughtful counseling and mediation will help both of you to develop and maintain a cordial relationship. If he won't attend, then you should go anyway.
Your ex needs to learn more appropriate ways of expressing his thoughts and feelings; you could be taught techniques for recognizing and defusing tension.
Most communities have agencies and organizations devoted to the betterment of families. Your local department of social services could hook you up with family counseling.
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