Q: Last night my ex came over. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. The kids weren't around, it was just us again, and now I'm thinking I made a mistake when we split up. It's been two years, though, and our marriage was volatile. The thought of going back is frightening. But, we certainly had fun. I could tell he felt it, too. Is this a good idea?
A: A survey we once took through the Bonus Families Web site told us that many who have broken up sleep with an ex at least one more time after the breakup, so you are not alone.
The "fun" aspect is certainly distracting. But there's more at risk when you're sleeping with an ex than "fun" - especially if you have children together. There's the danger of hurting the kids again when you realize this isn't what you expected. And it's a big hurt; it's not just a skinned knee that you can bandage before telling them to go out and play. The wounds go deep and impact their outlook on life and relationships. So, fun or no fun, know you are taking a huge chance when you entertain the kind of relationship you propose.
People don't break up without a reason and they certainly don't face lengthy divorce proceedings merely because they were mad at each other. You've already mentioned your relationship was "volatile." There were issues that you faced that brought on the divorce. If you feel you can better face those issues now, then reconciliation is always a consideration. But if you are proposing that you start sleeping together and it will just be your little secret, be warned: That who-will-it-really-hurt sort of attitude often backfires. If this goes on for a while, it's usually because one of the participants is more emotionally invested than the other and he or she continues the relationship just to keep the other around. That means eventually one of you will be faced with the decision to move on again. Then visitation might get sticky, and now the kids are involved.
If you don't have kids, then, in our opinion, you just have to acknowledge that this could merely be a paper fire - burns hot and fast, and turns to ashes quickly. As adults you have had enough experience to know that's a possibility, so it's your decision to go forward.
After all is said and done, if we have to give you a blanket answer, we would have to say, "Good ex-etiquette states you don't sleep with an ex. An ex is an ex for a reason." Figure out that reason and you'll know the right answer to your question all by yourself.
More about this topic in the Belleville News Democrat.
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