California Divorce and Family Law

The New Alone

Not long ago, I had dinner with a friend whose mother had recently remarried, to a man who had never had any children. Though she was happy for her mother, my friend also found herself bothered by a thought she couldn't shake. If her mother were to die before the new husband, she wondered, would she herself be expected to care for this man she barely knew?

My friend isn't alone in her uncertainty. Because of profound changes in how Americans organize and sustain -- and often break up -- our families, our nation will soon confront a never-before-seen shift in how we die and whom we'll have around us when we do. And the likelihood is that on every level, we will be dying much more alone.

Reduced birth rates, widespread divorce, single-parent childbearing, remarriage and what we might call "re-divorce" are poised to usher in an era of uncertain obligation and complicated grief for the many adults confronting the aging and dying of their divorced parents, stepparents and ex-stepparents. And compared with the generations before them, these dying parents and parent figures will be far less likely to find comfort and help in the nearby presence of grown daughters and sons.

"Children of Divorce Care for Parents Less" read the headline of a UPI article last September that reported the results of a study revealing that divorce predicts a significantly lower level of involvement among adult children in caring for their aging parents. The study's lead author, developmental psychologist Adam Davey of Temple University, contended that it wasn't the divorce itself that led to this estrangement but rather "what happens afterwards, such as geographical separation."

But in a study of grown children of divorce that I conducted with sociology professor Norval Glenn at the University of Texas at Austin, we found that the divorce itself has a lot to do with how parents and children get along. The grown children of divorce in our study were far less likely to report that they had gone to either or both parents for comfort when they were younger. When they grew up, they were more likely to have strained relationships with their fathers and mothers. Most of the 18- to 35-year-olds in our study still had relatively young parents, but some had already confronted the illness and death of one or the other of their divorced parents. They struggled especially with whether and how to care for estranged fathers who were ill and often living alone, men who had done little for them but who now badly needed help from, well, someone.

Read it all at the Washington Post.

This Is to Inform You of Our New Life Apart...

IN mid-August, Dominic Thomas, 35, of Atlanta, sent an e-mail message to more than 100 people to announce his divorce.   

“I am writing with the relieving yet not quite joyous news that I am finally divorced as of the judge’s signature at 6 p.m. last Thursday,” it read.

With so many couples on the splits these days, the stigma of divorce is wearing off and the newly single are increasingly publicly pronouncing their breakups.

While the president of France and the mayors of some big American cities have the ability to announce their marital status with microphones and news releases, others may announce their divorces more simply: with mass e-mailings. There are also printed divorce cards for those who prefer a formal approach. Stationers can even create personalized announcements that look and read like their sister card — the wedding announcement.

The two-and-a-half page message Mr. Thomas sent detailed his appreciation of the emotional support he received during the two-year-long custody battle over his son; his estimate of how much the legal process cost him and his former wife; and the finer points of the custody arrangement.

Mr. Thomas, an assistant professor at Emory, said he wrote his announcement because: “I’m reclaiming my life as it is. Letting people know about it. I don’t want it to be a taboo subject.” It also “helped in the healing process,” he added.

Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist who specializes in the study of American families at Johns Hopkins, said nearly half of all marriages end in divorce.

Mr. Cherlin said divorce announcements are something you wouldn’t have seen two generations ago.

“It would have been like announcing an out-of-wedlock pregnancy,” he said. “The fact that people aren’t embarrassed to send out a divorce announcement tells you how routinized divorce has become.”

But writer beware: The latest edition of “Emily Post’s Etiquette” states that “announcements can backfire, making the celebrant appear cold-hearted and insensitive.”

Peter Post, a great-grandson of Emily Post and the author of “Essential Manners for Couples,” (Collins, 2005) said, “It’s certainly nicer to inform by talking face to face” or by using the telephone. “Terms of the settlement are not to be announced to the whole world — it’s a private matter,” he said. “Why cause more ill will than necessary?”

More than a dozen friends responded to Mr. Thomas’s message. Replies ranged from the raucous (“YeeeHaaa!!”) to the emotional (“The news of your divorce was really disheartening and saddening”) to the practical (“That much debt will keep your nose to the grindstone for a long time”).

Robert Olen Butler, a Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist and a professor at Florida State, wrote what became a very publicized break-up announcement this summer.

After his wife of 12 years, the author Elizabeth Dewberry, left him for Ted Turner, Mr. Butler sent an e-mail message in July to a few faculty members and graduate students explaining the split in much detail. “Rumors will soon be swirling around the department, so I want to tell the full and nuanced story,” he wrote. “This sort of thing can get wildly distorted pretty quickly.”

The e-mail caused a tizzy when it was immediately forwarded and circulated on Gawker, the media gossip Web site.

Beyond the emotional and etiquette minefields that accompany such e-mail announcements, there may be legal ramifications.

“E-mail announcements could adversely affect a judge’s decision in a custody battle,” said Stephanie Lehman, a matrimonial lawyer and partner in WolfBlock in New York.

Robert, 46, a founder of a music-licensing company in Los Angeles, filed for divorce in June and mailed 30 humorous divorce announcements he bought from TheDivorceCards.com when he moved out. Robert, whose lawyer advised him not to use his last name while still in the middle of divorce proceedings, described his divorce “as messy as can be.” He sent the cards to let people know his new mailing address but also because, he said, “if you don’t laugh, you’re gonna cry.”

“I was devastated; still am devastated,” he said. “If you make light of it, you feel like a man.”

Avygail Sanchez, 28, of Los Angeles, filed for divorce in mid-July. “It was so traumatizing for me to leave,” she said.

In early August, Ms. Sanchez, an urban planner, who describes herself as private and reserved, sent an e-mail message to about 15 family members and friends.

“Most of you know that two years ago in April, I was wed to Prince Charming. Some of you attended the ceremony and reception so you know what I mean by ‘charming.’” Never did I imagine my life from December 2006 to present to be what it has.”

Looking back on the message, Ms. Sanchez said, “I wanted to tell the world: ‘Look what happened, but I’m out of it now. I’m out,’” she said. “There’s no going back.”

Stan Tatkin, a psychotherapist who is a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, said a divorce announcement “forces the person to declare the loss and move on.”

“It makes it much more real,” he said.

Read the entire article at The New York Times.

How to throw a divorce party

It's sad when people fall out of love. But dissolving an unhealthy, unhappy marriage is a good thing, and it takes a lot of courage to stand up and say, "We deserve better."

Divorce parties not only let us close the door on that misery, these rites of passage provide the ritual we need to help us heal. They offer us a way to celebrate a new independence, to thank those who have stood by us through the muck, and to announce to the world that we are ready to move on in life. Finally, it's official.

Save the Date           

It's tempting to set a date for your party as soon as divorce proceedings get under way. But muster up all your patience and wait until things are just short of being finalized. Like any social gathering, your party will require some preparation ahead of time, and you don't want to be thinking about guest lists and napkin rings in the throes of legal negotiations. You'll be in much better spirits if you show up at your divorce party with decree in hand.

The Guesting Game           

Divorce party guest lists come in all shapes and sizes, and the only factor that determines who you invite is personal comfort level. Would you feel better surrounded by guests of the same sex, or does a co-ed event feel more like a celebration? Do you want to just hang with other divorcees? Does it feel right to bring together only the people who have stood by you through this many-monthed mammoth of a nightmare or are you hoping for something more inclusive, with coworkers and neighbors? Are you on really (really, really) good terms with your ex and feel that they should be there? The only right answers to these questions can come from you, so put some thought into it and -- if it helps -- start with a long list and whittle it down.

Deck the Halls           

The intensely organized go so far as to print up invitations, arrange a gift registry (ideal for those who lost it all in settlement) and announcements for their party. Some get a kick out of decorating the party space (rented-out restaurant, bar, friend's house, etc.) with streamers, obscenely decorated cakes, voodoo dolls, piñatas, balloons and bowls of snack food. Get some ideas from Christine Gallagher, a writer from L.A., who published a book in 2003 called The Divorce Party Planner: How to Throw a Divorce or Breakup Party and has sold thousands on her website, http://www.revengelady.com/.

One word to the wise: decorations, catered food and other props can ring up a hefty tally, so be realistic about what you can afford with your new single-income earning status and stay within that budget.

Pieces of the Action             

Besides the usual telling of (hopefully by now) funny stories and making plans for the future, the activities at your divorce party can be as uneventful or as coordinated as you like. I've read of some recently divorced folks who have hired officiates or asked a close friend to perform a short, meaningful sermon about healing and the joy of change, and about a woman who asked her mother to lead a renaming ceremony in which she symbolically gave her daughter back her maiden name.
          

Others still have projected First Wives Club or War of Roses in one area of the gathering and had a ceremonial burning of the marriage license in another area. Don't feel pressured to include any of these aspects if they don't feel right to you. A low-key gathering of a few close friends can be just as momentous as one that takes months to organize. The details of your party should reflect your mood and own personal style.

And Just Don't...           

Even if your divorce party is lush with hot and horny singles, it's probably best not to fool around with one of them at or just after the gathering. After all, this is an event intended to celebrate your newly reclaimed independence, and bringing a sexual interest into the picture now complicates your newfound simplicity of lifestyle.

Other experiences to avoid at your fete include getting totally trashed (you don't want to want to get all weepy or confrontational), destroying any tangible memories of your marriage's happy times (your wedding album and keepsakes from your courting days might mean the world to your kids), and making plans to do anything of importance the next day.

And remember that this event is not about badmouthing, trash talking or hurting the person you've fallen out of love with. This is an occasion to commemorate your personal path of healing and newfound independence.

From Canoe.

Ex-tended clans: Divorce often leaves some family ties intact

These days, with divorce about as accepted as remarriage, being exes with your spouse doesn't mean exile from him or his family.

Consider those pictures of Bruce Willis popping up with ex Demi Moore and their brood -- and Moore's current husband, Ashton Kutcher. Or the reports of Jennifer Aniston spending quality time with her former in-laws, the Pitts. Christie Brinkley attended the wedding of her most famous former husband, Billy Joel.

"It's part of our life now that all major celebrations that one attends tend to involve people who used to be married or intimate and no longer are," says Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project.

Laurel Hageseth's relationship with her ex-husband is nonexistent. But 19 years after their divorce, his parents, Norma and Cotton Conrad, remain among the top five most important people in her life.

They visit her in Fort Collins, Colo. She visits them in nearby Golden -- and brings her current husband. They send her birthday cards and homemade Christmas jelly. She pulls their weeds and they display pictures of her at home. And they chat on the phone about Jason, her son and their grandson, and her husband -- but never about the ugliness of the past.

"They just didn't pick a side; that was the most beautiful thing about them," says Hageseth, 50. "They just haven't let me go."

Sometimes it's the husband and wife who don't want to cut all ties. When Deb Cooperman and David Bausman split up in 1997 after seven years, they knew that they wanted "to hang onto the fact that we care about each other," says Cooperman, 46, a marketing director who lives in Millburn, N.J.

Since then, "the depth of our friendship and trust has deepened," Cooperman says. She is actually Bausman's second ex: His first marriage produced a son, and the boy, now in college, still calls Cooperman his stepmother. "I call us a blended, extended, upended family," she says. "Good divorces aren't just for Bruce and Demi."

Fraternizing with former relatives works when a few prerequisites are met, experts say:

Moving on mutually: "Ex-families don't remain, or become, amicable unless the overall feeling is that everybody's better off," says Johanna Tabin, a psychologist in Glencoe, Ill.

Keeping things cozy for the kids: Witness the two-decade rise of joint custody. "Parents are stepping up to the plate a little bit more: 'Whatever our differences, we need to bury the hatchet when it comes to the kids,' " says Sarasota, Fla., psychologist Peter Wish.

Staying securely single: It's all well and good when you've gone separate but equal ways. Bitterness can bite back, however, when one ex remarries, tipping the balance. "If you're both partnered off, that makes it a lot easier," Wish says.

From IndyStar.

Social Security survives divorce

Q: I am divorced. Can I get my ex’s Social Security? . . . . I was married for over 18 years. Do they automatically figure out how much his is, and how much mine is, and give me the higher of the two, or is this something I have to ask for?

— J.F. Cranston

A: A divorced spouse is generally eligible to collect Social Security benefits based on the ex-spouse’s record of work and earnings, said Lita Epstein, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Social Security and Medicare.

But it’s not automatic; you should contact the Social Security Administration to see if you’re eligible, Epstein said in a telephone interview from her home in Florida.

To be eligible, you must clear some hurdles. Following is a summary of the general rules:

•Your marriage had to have lasted at least 10 years.

•You must be at least 62.

•You’re not married.

•The ex-spouse must be at least 62.

In general, you won’t automatically receive benefits, said Kurt Czarnowski, regional communications director for the Social Security Administration.

“We’re not at the point where you have automatic enrollment in Social Security” in such circumstances, Czarnowski said in an interview at the agency’s regional headquarters in Boston.

So visit your local Social Security office or call the agency toll-free at 1(800) 772-1213. In the interview process, you’ll be asked whether you’ve ever been married, which will lead the agency to see if you’re eligible for benefits based on another’s record of work and earnings, Czarnowski said.

Assuming you’re eligible, you’ll receive a monthly benefit based on your record, or on your ex-spouse’s record, whichever will pay you more, he said.

A few other points:

•If you have been married more than once, and each marriage lasted at least 10 years, you’re generally eligible to collect Social Security benefits based on either ex-spouse’s record of work and earnings — whichever will pay you more, Epstein said.

•If you’re divorced and your ex-spouse has died, you may be eligible to collect a survivor’s benefit based on that ex-spouse’s record of work and earnings, Czarnowski said. Contact the agency to check on the rules and to see if you’re eligible.

•There are lots of rules and other details regarding a divorced spouse and eligibility for Social Security benefits, too many to list here. For more information, read “Social Security: Understanding the Benefits” and “Social Security: What Every Woman Should Know.” (This booklet includes information that applies to men and women.) For a free copy, visit your local Social Security office, call the agency toll-free at 1 (800) 772-1213, or use the agency’s Web site.

From the Providence Journal.

How to make a difference for a child of divorce even as a bystander

Divorce these days surrounds us. Children everywhere are affected. It affects our grandkids, our nieces and nephews, our neighbors, our students or patients, and many other kids that touch our daily lives. Sometimes on the outside it's hard to know what to do.

After all, these kids are missing their parents. They are subjected to different rules and routines. Sometimes they are even the victims of intense emotional battles that rage between their parents. From the outside looking in, it's a helpless feeling watching these situations. So just what can you do? Here are ten suggestions to help make a difference for a child of divorce you might know:

1. Give lots of hugs. A child who is being bounced around between homes may not be getting the kind of love and attention she needs. Don't force it, but be ready to show affection when she needs it. Pay extra attention to the children. Mom and Dad often don't realize how neglectful they have become and the kids need all the love they can get.

2. Listen. When a child is feeling comfortable enough to talk to you about the situation, just be there and listen. You don't need to offer suggestions just give them a safe place to share what they are feeling.

3. Suggest a support group. If you have the kind of relationship with either parent that you can make suggestion, you may want to suggest a support group. There are divorce groups for the parents as well as grief organizations (such as Rainbows.org) for kids.

4. Don't talk down about either parent. Children need a safe-haven for discussion and if you insert your feelings, especially negative ones, the child is less likely to feel comfortable talking with you.

5. Read together. Reading out loud can be very soothing. You may wish to include a few books on the subject of divorce or split-family living. It may be enough to help them realize the feelings they are keeping inside and begin opening up about them. It also helps them to realize they are not unique in this kind of lifestyle. If it seems appropriate give or lend the books to the parents to possibly begin their own conversation.

6. Stay neutral. No matter how bad you want to take sides, don't. Keep those feelings to yourself and help the children feel comfortable about confiding and sharing feelings.

7. Do not get involved. Unless you are legally required to do so, do not get involved. It is very difficult to know both sides of a story, nor do you probably want to. You may some day need support from both parents for some unknown reason and you do not want to have burned any bridges.

8. Stay firm. Whatever rules or expectations were in force in your dealings with the child should not change. Softening your expectations sets the child up to use his circumstances to not be the best he can be. Staying firm can be one step that can prevent a child from spiraling into poor behavior.

9. Start a new tradition. Offer to take the child to the library and start a book club where you each pick a book for the other to read. Maybe go for ice-cream on Tuesday afternoons. Do something to reinforce your relationship with the child.

10. Learn the routine. If you show frustration with the schedules and routines, children will see that. If instead you accept the routines and try to make the best of it, you will take extra frustration out of the child's life, and he doesn't feel like he is doing something so unusual.

Source for post is SheKnows.

Divorce court typo hits paycheck

Anyone who hasn't seen a copy of their credit report could take some advice from Eddie Taylor of Murfreesboro: Look at it.

Taylor discovered last year his own credit report wasn't what he thought it was after he learned that due to a typographical error, his paycheck was being garnished to pay child support to a Memphis woman he had never met.

"It's been a long, drawn-out process," both to clear the error from state records and to repair his credit rating, since he learned about the error in the middle of last year, he said. An error involving the mistyping of his middle initial in the office of a Memphis divorce court led to the trouble, he said.

State and local officials later admitted the mistake, but he was told he would have to contact the four major credit rating agencies on his own to remove the mistake from his record. Just last week, the Tennessee Department of Human Services sent a fax to the consumer reporting agencies notifying them of the error, but that was after he had gone through mountains of paperwork and spent two of his annual vacation days in Memphis to that very end.

"I had to do most of the work on my own to get this released," he said. "It was a long, drawn-out process to get this released from a typographical error that started 200 miles away from here. Why should I be out of time and money when they caused the problem?" Taylor wonders.

He believes he could have gotten the matter resolved much earlier if he had seen a copy of his credit report. "It's something that ought to be sent out once a year to everyone in the United States," he said. "You shouldn't have to beg for it or pay for it. That's our name and Social Security number and our credit report."

Read the entire article at The Daily News Journal.

First Divorce, Then A Party

Divorce isn't all about crying into your pillow and changing the locks. It can be cause for celebration. That's just what Dori Baer of Deep River was thinking when she and 11 girlfriends went out to Jacoby's in Meriden for a "raucous night of drinking and dancing" the day she was served her divorce papers

In honor of the occasion, she was presented with a bottle of perfume aptly named "Caliente," for the new Latin male lead in her life, whom she went on to marry. Why the bash? "I felt like I had unzipped and stepped into this brand new life," Baer said, and she wanted to celebrate.

Baer's party-hearty attitude might have been unusual in 1991. It's not anymore. After hearing about many such celebrations, California-based British ex-pat Christine Gallagher - whose website, www.revengelady.com, taps into an unconventional market of its own - began researching and discovered that divorce parties were going mainstream. "In London, a lot of people were doing it; there's even a fireworks company that will do divorce party fireworks," Gallagher explains.

Still, you couldn't quite find Hallmark cards congratulating you on your divorce or boxed invitations to divorce parties, so Gallagher created a handbook to guide people through nearly uncharted territory, "The Woman's Book of Divorce" (2001). When Gallagher had the chance to use her own advice, she did it in a sizzling style: "We threw a party for a friend of mine, with a `Hot, Hot' theme because she was shattered - after a thoroughly heartbreaking experience in which she had, in essence, lost everything she'd held dear." The party featured Mexican cuisine, a salsa dance instructor and a bonfire into which the ex's prized hunting trophy was thrown. The point of the endeavor was to show the girlfriend that she was still hot, that she could still get wild and laugh; that there was some sizzle left in life for her. "She loved the party. For her it was cathartic, a way to blow it all out - like going to a sweat lodge," Gallagher says.

At her Las Vegas divorce party in November, actress Shanna Moakler drank vodka and enjoyed a three-tier cake in the Bellagio Hotel. The cake, it was reported by "People" magazine, featured a miniature knife-wielding blonde in a wedding dress on top, with a trail of blood leading to a tiny groom sprawled at the bottom. Moakler had been married to Travis Barker, the drummer for the band blink-182.

Dr. Dale Atkins, a Westport psychologist with a New York practice, says celebration instead of sobbing can be beneficial. "Divorce is not generally a happy life passage, even if you are the one who initiated it, because there is family involved and a lifestyle you'll be giving up. It is good to have friends with you during life transitions - whether happy, sad ones or those with mixed feelings - and few things are more gratifying than being with girlfriends who support you." Watkins says these parties are generally about helping the honoree to get through it and recognize that he or she is a single person who lived through this and will come out on the other side.

When Adrienne Bailey's sister divorced two years ago and decided to leave California to move home to Salt Lake City, Bailey hosted a divorce party. "I got the idea because she didn't have any friends here in Utah, and so I wanted to introduce her to all of my friends. It was also an excuse to get friends from different parts of my life together." Avoiding direct stabs at divorce, Bailey chose a more round-about approach to the theme and named the bash "The Celebration of Liberation and Libation." She got the "liberation" part of it from Gallagher's book, and the "libation" end of it was "simply another excuse for drinking."

She set the house up for a rave party, complete with black lights in the halls and Christmas lights twisted here and there. Bailey decorated each room for a unique feel and hired a bartender to serve strong drinks, which the hostess described as "real nasty," in keeping with the mood toward the ex. Most important, possibly, all of the invitees were single, both men and women, and her sister had a great time. She walked away meeting several people who'd gone through similar experiences, people with whom she remains friends.

Though the moods may vary, there are some mandatory components of a successful divorce party, Gallagher says. "Friends are even more important than at a wedding, if you really think about it," she says, "because people are out there on their own. When people are there to support them, it helps to show the divorced person that it's OK."

Gallagher also suggests a theme, such as the popular "split theme," in which everything in the party is split - a cake cut down the middle, split-pea soup for a first course - and gifts, which can range from the utilitarian (often people divide their belongings during divorce and are therefore left without many necessities) to the hilarious (an inflatable man) and even the symbolic (a cruise to Alaska).

Atkins, the psychologist, cautions celebrants about going too far. "I know one group of women who took all of the ex's clothes in the house and shredded them. I would prefer they were given to a charity. Still there is something about tearing things up and saying, `I'm finished,' which might help let go," she says.

However, Atkins is adamant about protecting children from their divorced parents' squabbles. "Don't stick pins in a voodoo doll in front of the kids. Children's attitudes about divorce are rarely consistent with parents' views, and there are often loyalty issues which might cause them to feel they have to get on board with one parent's view to be an ally," Atkins says. "I think what is more useful is to share with them what you are all are going through and where you are at now." Some see the value of ritual for those going through a divorce. C

More about this in the Hartford Courant.

Season hard on kids of divorce--Parents should focus on what's best for child, experts advise

Gather round the family TV, what passes for a hearth these days, and images of holiday togetherness are hard to avoid. Ads for expensive cars with red bows say more than buy, buy, buy. They also convey the epitome of domestic bliss.

For most of us, iconic pictures of perfect families aren't reality. For families divided by divorce - a fact of life for someone in nearly everyone's family - the advertised ideal can pile hurt on top of hurt. Rather than bring joy, this season from Thanksgiving through New Year's can heighten loneliness and anger.

Where will the kids spend the holidays? Many divorced parents find ways to keep the peace. Out of change, they create new traditions.

"The ones who do it well put the children first," said Christine Wakefield Nichols. A court-appointed family law guardian, Nichols helps hammer out parenting issues in Snohomish County Superior Court's Family Court Investigations department. Often during the holidays, Nichols said, "the devil is in the details." "The discord hasn't been settled, and they do forget about the child," said Nichols, who is also certified as a school social worker.

When couples with children divorce, a parenting plan is part of the proceedings, said Della Moore, supervisor of the superior court's Family Court Investigations department. Parenting plans spell out which parent has primary custody and set schedules for regular visits, holidays and school breaks, Moore said. "In the best-case scenario, parents agree on it," she said. "What we see in family court are disputes if a parenting plan is ambiguous in the least," Moore said. "A lot of parents kind of lose focus when they're getting a divorce. They're dealing with their own adult issues."

A holiday disagreement is commonly an extension of old problems or jealousies, Nichols said. "One party or the other is still trying to get back or be the superior parent," she said. Add hectic travel, and some children are left feeling they haven't had a holiday at all. "The children are exhausted. One of my big issues is being on the road, little kids in the car, a lot of running around with everybody trying to see everybody," Nichols said. "If you're looking for what's best for the child, what makes sense? What works for this little guy or this little girl?"

Kids are also hurt when they're used as spies, Nichols said. Just as it's harmful to criticize the other parent in front of the kids, it's unfair to question children about relationships in the other household. The sad fallout of separation is that children frequently blame themselves and almost always hope parents will reunite, Nichols said. Through all the hardships, "a lot of people do it right," Nichols said.

A new stepparent can be a positive support. Nichols said kids do best when that new person takes on a role similar to a friendly aunt or a kind teacher and the parent doesn't delegate discipline duties. Families that thrive in spite of divorce do so by extension of the golden rule, by treating others as they'd want to be treated. Nichols said that includes: initiating regular contact with the absent parent; being prompt and having children ready at exchange time; assuring kids that you support their relationship with the other parent; and being flexible so the child can be part of special events.

Trained mediators help families sort through details and give them a place to talk. "We really are making families stronger," Phillips said. Susi Bryant, office coordinator at the Dispute Resolution Center, said mediation often reflects a family's natural evolution. "Sometimes the kids are now older and want to do something different.

Or someone gets married, or wants to spend Christmas in Wyoming. "It takes communication," Bryant said. "A lot of mediators put a picture of the children on the table, so everybody remembers who the negotiation is for."

Read it all at the HeraldNet.com.

Post-divorce conflicts can affect children

Dr. Joyce Bothers hosts today's Q & A in the Seattle PI:

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: My ex-wife and I are divorced, and our two kids are out of the house -- one in college, the other with a job and her own apartment. The problem? Their mom is spoiling them. She sends them extra money, even though she really can't afford to. She's constantly going out of her way to do them favors, buy them things and send them on vacation. So I have two complaints: I think my ex is trying to buy their favor, and also trying to make me look unsupportive. Meanwhile, how can the kids learn to stand on their own when they each have a combination benefactor/personal assistant to give them anything they want? Am I being unfair? How can I even things out without spoiling the kids even more? -- D.B.

DEAR D.B.: Your problem is illustrative of the fact that divorce sets up conflicts within the family that continue to affect the children even after they are grown up and out of the house. Your ex-wife's extravagance with the kids might have nothing to do with trying to show you up as a father. This may be your own interpretation, based on the troubles between you. This is not to say that the divorce isn't a motivating factor for her generosity; many parents -- particularly mothers -- feel guilty about the breakup of the family, and dishing out extra money to the kids is the easiest way to make themselves feel better. And I have yet to hear of a kid who tries to thwart this instinct.

Neither of you has a relationship with your kids based solely on money, however. If you are feeling left out or at a disadvantage because of your wife's over dependence on money as a salve for her feelings, you might want to concentrate a little harder on maintaining a relationship with each of your children that is based on your mutual interests and caring for them as people. Letting go of petty jealousies with your ex-wife would be a good start -- and don't think your kids won't notice and admire you for it.