For kids of divorce, keep homes consistent

Q: I am a divorced father of a 9-year-old boy, sharing custody with my ex-wife. The problem is that she's overindulgent, and after a week in her house, our son comes home feeling and acting helpless. How do I get my ex to understand that our son needs to learn to be independent — and that she needs to encourage independence when he's with her?

A: You've put your finger on two of the biggest problems single parents face these days. First, dealing with inconsistencies between houses. And second, one parent spoiling the child. In many cases — as you've already noticed — the two go hand in hand.

Ideally, you and your ex-wife would have similar parenting goals, which you would discuss on a frequent basis as your son grows. However, as you've discovered, that's not always practical, especially if the two of you aren't on the best of terms.

The bad news is that you can't change your ex-wife. You can try to talk with her about the importance of consistent rules, but there's no guarantee she'll cooperate. And you could tell her that children who don't learn to be independent may:

• Have trouble accepting responsibility for their actions, instead putting the blame on others and never taking the initiative to change their situation.
• Lack confidence in their own abilities.
• Blindly follow others — often straight into trouble (drug or alcohol abuse, truancy, crime, teen pregnancy, and so on).
• End up as overly dependent adults, without the skills they need to be successful in their work and social lives.

The good news is that you can change your perspective on your ex's intentions. Moving from, "Arrgh, now I have to undo everything she did and start from scratch, again!" to something like, "Hey, at least my son is learning how to deal with conflicting points of view," will help you feel less frustrated when your son comes back from mom's acting helpless.

Thanks to the Vermont Sunday Magazine.