California Divorce and Family Law

To have and to hold ... for 83 years and counting

A White Bear Lake couple that marked their 83rd wedding anniversary Sunday may be headed for the Guinness Book of Records.

Eight decades after heading down the aisle, a White Bear Lake couple may be headed for the Guinness Book of Records.

Clarence, 101, and Mayme Vail, 99, celebrated their 83rd anniversary Sunday, possibly making them the longest married couple alive in the United States.

Married in 1925, they almost didn't make it to their 25th anniversary. When Clarence became critically ill with tuberculosis in 1948, Mayme made a promise to God that if her husband survived, she would attend mass every day -- a promise she kept until last year when health issues forced them to move into an assisted-living center.

"She's got good genes; she used to walk to mass every day," said her daughter, Arlene Leyden of St. Paul, who filled out the 17 pages of paperwork required by the Guinness record-keepers.

There was no shortage of people to attend the Vails' anniversary party. Their family includes six children, 39 grandchildren, 101 great-grandchildren and 40 great-great grandchildren. Mayme Vail's "kid" sister was there, too. She's only 98.

From the Star Tribune.

How To Work With Your Spouse (Without Filing For Divorce)

Let's face it, relationships are tough. There's nothing wrong with admitting that the hours spent at work can be a nice reprieve from your significant other.

So when the bedroom and the boardroom overlap, challenges arise that are unique to couples who work together. Take heart, there is a way to work together without filing for divorce. Couples who do it successfully say they respect each other's roles, communicate, and every now and then, say to their partners, "for goodness' sake, stop talking about the office."

Nonstop chatter about work is a mood killer. It's a common issue, so be aware of it and set limits. If you notice you haven't talked about anything with your spouse but the week's staff meeting, put a moratorium on it. Discuss the kids, your next vacation or even the weather. Just make sure to change the topic.

Another risk is the blending of home and work. "Business arguments can drift into your home and personal arguments can be continued at work," says Becky Stewart-Gross, who co-authored Sleeping with Your Business Partner with her husband, Mike Gross.

Keep conflict to a minimum by listening to your partner's feelings. Try to resolve issues with a "give and take" mentality. The idea is to find a win-win solution. Fights will likely be at a minimum if couples routinely "check in" with each other to assess their professional and personal relationships," says Stewart-Gross.

Along the same lines, make a weekly  "date night." Sometimes a different setting is just what a couple needs to recharge. Bruce and Marti Schoenberg, co-founders and co-owners of Oasis Day Spas in Manhattan, find that weekly dinner and movie dates are the antidote to the work "blahs."

"Work can consume you," says Marti Shoenberg, who is in charge of Oasis' décor, product line and its employees . "Make time for yourselves as a couple and as a family."

Oddly enough, the other trick is to  spend time apart. Alone time is important, and it's usually something we get when we're sitting at our desks, away from our families. Since that's not the case here, each person needs a hobby, a separate group of friends or some other outlet that takes them away from their significant other.

Sharon and Blake Rowe, co-founders of Eco-Bags Products in Ossining, N.Y., thrive together and separately. Sharon acts in and produces community theater, while Blake remains a professional piano player. Those outlets get their creative juices flowing and put them in touch with people outside their all-consuming business, which used to take over their entire apartment.

But the Rowes ran into another common issue. Although they founded the company together in the late '80s, Sharon ultimately took over as its president while Blake worked as its IT consultant in addition to being a full-time piano teacher. It's not easy taking orders from your significant other, he says. "Sharon needed to exercise some diplomacy about asking me to do things," says Blake Rowe. "I had to practice not being defensive if something I had done was not satisfactory to her."

Developing a proverbial "thick skin" helps. So does having  well-defined roles. Whether you work together in a corporation or in a small business, acknowledge your jobs and their responsibilities. Yes, it's tough to take direction from your husband or wife, but if that's what the job description is, don't take it personally. And don't expect special treatment--keep things professional.

Having said that, don't have unrealistic expectations from your significant other. Set goals and the deadlines like any other manager-employee relationship. If a project failed, analyze why. "Nobody is going to hit it right every time--it's not possible," says Bruce Shoenberg. "You have to live with each other's decisions. Support each other. Marti knows she can always count on me for support."

And remember that  the marriage comes first. As Bruce Schoenberg puts it, "My marriage is the most important thing to me. I was looking for my wife my whole life. I can always find another business."

Read more about this in Forbes.

Married Couples Now a Minority

"Married couples, whose numbers have been declining for decades as a proportion of American households, have finally slipped into a minority, according to an analysis of new census figures by The New York Times. The American Community Survey, released this month by the Census Bureau, found that 49.7 percent, or 55.2 million, of the nation’s 111.1 million households in 2005 were made up of married couples — with and without children — just shy of a majority and down from more than 52 percent five years earlier.

The numbers by no means suggests marriage is dead or necessarily that a tipping point has been reached. The total number of married couples is higher than ever, and most Americans eventually marry. But marriage has been facing more competition. A growing number of adults are spending more of their lives single or living unmarried with partners, and the potential social and economic implications are profound."

Summary of the article by the Family Law Prof Blog. Read the entire article at The New York Times (subscription required).

Book review: The Divorce Lawyers' Guide

Divorce attorneys. Are there two dirtier words in the English language? Thoughts of them conjure up images of circling human sharks, cold-blooded assassins and profiteers feasting on the misery of others.

Turning to them for suggestions on how to stay married would seem about as useful as seeking out Donald Trump for tips on humility or former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair for advice on journalistic ethics. Sometimes, though, the conventional wisdom misses the mark.

Drawing on interviews with 100 prominent divorce attorneys nationwide, author and former practicing attorney Wendy Jaffe has written an interesting and illuminating work called, "The Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married." Apparently, those with ringside seats in divorce court, a place where couples venture to shred their wedding vows and one another, have a special insight into how not to behave in marriage.

In her book, Jaffe outlines how to diagnose and treat myriad union-killers, ranging from no-sex marriages to infidelity to unrealistic expectations. Beyond that, she argues that many couples who end up in divorce court could have, and should have, worked harder to save their unions. In Jaffe's view, marriage, except in cases of physical or verbal abuse and untreated drug and alcohol addiction, is worth fighting for.

She argues that the fact that about half of all marriages in the United States don't last is less a reflection of widespread incompatibility than an indictment of a disposable American culture that encourages folks to trade in their old-but-perfectly good cars, computers and, yes, even spouses for newer, fresher models. All too often, Jaffe argues, mates in the process of shedding their significant others come to realize too late that they've made a terrible mistake, especially when children are involved. The grass might appear greener elsewhere, but that, like a waterhole in the desert, is often only a mirage. The proof: Two of three second marriages end in divorce.

Jaffe's starts her book detailing all the ways sex can kill a marriage. Why start with sex? "It is rare that someone who is having good and regular sex will come to me for a divorce," says Miami family law attorney Maurice Kutner, one of several lawyers Jaffe quotes. Couples having infrequent intimate relations should beware, Jaffe warns. Sex, she writes, is an integral part of most marriages, and its absence augurs poorly for their survival. There are myriad reasons why married couples' love lives can cool, including familiarity and the exhaustion of parenthood. Still, a no-sex marriage is far from the norm.

So what to do if sex begins to vanish from the bedroom? Jaffe suggests the road to recovery begins with recognition. "Even if sex is not important to you," she writes, "you have to realize that it might be extremely important to your spouse, and that it is a significant cause of divorce." Throughout the book, Jaffe encourages readers to consult a therapist. She also offers a helpful list of reference books readers might want to peruse.

Infidelity is another sex-related marriage-killer with which Jaffe grapples. On the upside, she argues persuasively that many marriages can withstand cheating. If both spouses figure out what caused the straying and address the problem; if the victim spouse can forgive the affair; and if the adulterous husband or wife truly recommits to the marriage -- a lot of ifs -- the couple might salvage the union. On the downside, Internet chat rooms and dating services have made it easier than ever for bored spouses to find a playmate.

Many marriages, Jaffe writes, are in trouble even before they begin. That's because one or both partners bring unrealistic expectations to the altar. Couples who expect the romance and fires of passion to burn indefinitely set themselves up for their marriage to flameout. Similarly, men and women who believe marriage will magically transform their significant other are deluding themselves. Her insane jealousy won't suddenly vanish, just as his verbal abuse and alcoholism won't disappear.

The bottom line: What you see is generally what you get. A caveat, though: People often do change over the course of a marriage, for better or for worse, Jaffe says. Even those who've never married, as well as people considering getting hitched for the second or third time, could benefit from "The Divorce Lawyers' Guide."

Jaffe and the attorneys she interviewed counsel against getting married at a young age. A little life experience, they argue, allows a person to grow up and figure out what they want from themselves and from a prospective spouse. It is no surprise, Jaffe writes, that Oklahoma, despite its location at the heart of the Bible Belt, has the second-highest divorce rate, according to 1990 stats. The reason: One of the lowest average ages for first marriages, at 22 for women and 24 for men.

As for remarriage, Jaffe warns against the "clone syndrome." That is, finding a new spouse with a similar personality to the person just left behind. To avoid making the same mistakes again and again, such as repeatedly hooking up with alcoholics, Jaffe suggests seeing a therapist to "understand why your marriage broke down and how your selection of your spouse played a part in it."

More important, she offers good advice and resources for helping to repair the damage. That she does all this in about 200 mostly entertaining pages testifies to her ability to boil complex ideas and concepts down to their bare essence. Anyone interested in understanding what makes marriage work, or not, might want to snap up a copy of "The Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married."

You can read the entire review at the Jewish Journal.

Forbes Article: 'Don't Marry Career Women': Magazine Pulls Article Then Replaces It

A magazine that usually sticks to drumming up lists of the world's richest men and exploring every angle of the American rat race is causing quite a stir on the Internet.    

* Web Site: See article here.

In a controversial article by Michael Noer, the writer breaks it down to unmarried men: "Whatever you do, don't marry a career woman."

Why?

"To put it bluntly, the more successful she is, the more likely she is to grow dissatisfied with you," Noer said. "A word of advice -- marry pretty women or ugly ones. Short ones or tall ones. Blondes or brunettes. Just, whatever you do, don't marry a woman with a career."

This isn't a conclusion that would make all men happy, given that men are often attracted to women who have similar aspirations.

Noer cited studies in various journals that say the professional woman is a woman who has a college degree, works at least 35 hours a week and therefore earns more than $30,000 a year. He said she's more likely to get divorced and cheat on her husband with co-workers. She will be either angry about having kids or angry about not having kids, Noer said.

Noer argued that marriage is hardest when both partners work outside the home, and that research shows divorce is more likely the more hours a woman works.

Conversely, the same is not true of a man's workload.

Many are calling the article outrageous. The response online was quick, and in most cases, brutal. Hundreds of postings popped up in online chat rooms. "I can't even imagine what would make someone say that. It's a throwback to the '70s, '60s or '50s and it's mindboggling," said one woman. One blog called it "blood-boilingly misogynistic."

Forbes.com removed the article, later reposting it, accompanied by another article, from a happily married female Forbes writer who's worked for more than 20 years. But for many, the damage was already done. "This article highlights the epitome of male insecurity," another woman said. "I guess there are still men out there who want their women to just sit and look pretty. How prehistoric and irresponsible of Forbes to perpetuate this ideal."

From Click2Houston.