California Divorce and Family Law

Marriages pay a price in faltering economy

Our newest advice expert on relationships answers questions about dissolving marriages and troubled families.

When the economy turns sour, so too can marriages.

Financial woes are the second-most common cause for divorce, according to a survey on the Web site divorce360.com, behind only abuse.

So until the home mortgage crisis is over and our 401Ks have bounced back, we expect some of you couples could use some advice.

Mary O'Connor, the founder of Family Assessment, Counseling and Education Services, is the Register's newest advice expert. She'll answer questions from you about marriages that are dissolving, about families that are trying to stay together, and about issues that face parents and children after divorce.

O'Connor led thousands of mediation cases with the Orange County Superior Court before starting the nonprofit FACES 20 years ago. The organization offers parenting classes, monitors visits between estranged parents and children, and provides counseling and mental heath services. O'Connor also runs a private practice.

Q:  Cultural acceptance of divorce obviously changed a great deal in the 1960s and 1970s. What has changed in the past two decades?

A:  Where religion used to be a deterrent for divorce, it's no longer. Where certain cultures didn't get divorced, those cultures are now getting divorced. Where people used to get married, they no longer get married. So there are more children of non-married relationships than ever.

Also, when I started in the '80s, there were as many men leaving women as women leaving men; then, it was mostly women doing the separating. Now, I think it's come full circle, half-and-half.

Q:  Are divorces less combative now?

A:  When there are no children involved, it doesn't seem to be as hard of a breakup. But when there are children involved, there is such passion and time spent. The shift is that fathers are taking more part in the parenting than they ever did before. So when they separate, they're seen as much as a custodial parent as the other parent.

And, financially, if mother is making as much as father, she's able to afford as much legal representation as father. Many years ago, mother didn't even have the resources to be represented by an attorney.

Q:  Is the cultural momentum away from marriage going to continue? Will my grandkids even get married?

A: I do think people like commitment, stability, and that traditional feeling of having a partner. But I think serial monogamy might be more common.

Your grandkids will get married, but for different reasons than we do now. Years ago, the going theory was a woman needs to be taken care of and a man needs to protect. Obviously, we've changed all that. Both of them are out hunting and fishing; both are nurturing the children.

So why are people getting married now? Companionship. Laughter. And to guarantee a single lovemaker on a regular basis. That's got to be one of the reasons, right?

Q:  Is your counseling approach different for non-married parents?

A: The only difference we have is it's two last names. Getting the relationship better is still the issue. We've got to keep reminding them the kid needs both of them. They're not the same, but the child needs to learn who they are as a human being from the mother and the father.

That's what we're trying to stress. Yes, the other person does things wrong that you didn't like, and that's why you want to get rid of them, but the child likes that parent no matter what. The child has unconditional love.

Q:  In cases without abuse, do you think parents staying together is nearly always healthy for the child?

A: Academically, yes. Yes, yes, yes. The phenomenon of their parents splitting up causes abandonment issues, depression, anger, causes resentments, causes the child to be feeling like a ping pong ball. It causes new families to be created, and for that child to feel like they don't belong to any family.

The repercussions of divorce, compared to being married, it's like 90/10 to me.

Q:  Aren't there similar repercussions to having parents in a loveless marriage?

A: Yes. When kids see dysfunction in their relationship, they act it out. But there are still more folks around to love them. These kids with an absent parent have a yearning. In other words: Mom and Dad may not have that great a relationship, but they could both have a great relationship with the kid. So think about that!

Q:  What should parents do if they have a seed of dissatisfaction in the relationship?

A: Go right away to counseling. Nip it in the bud. Start making a gratitude list for what you already have. Get your repair work going. Fix that dike before it grows.

Q:  Are adults really capable of making major changes so late in life?

A: We've really seen people in the parenting classes dazed and amazed. Like, "I don't have to scream and yell at my child across the room! I can walk over to the child and get down on my knees and ask them questions. I can do something different than my parents did." That's where social change starts coming. These small ways of relating are just different.

Of course some people fall back on their old habits. Not everybody is going to pick it up and keep it forever. But once you learn something new, it's there.

From the OC Register.

Married Browsers Beware: Top Divorce Lawyers Note Soaring Use of Internet and Spyware Evidence

An overwhelming 79% of the nation's top divorce attorneys reported an increase in the frequency of Internet browser histories being used as evidence in divorce cases during the past five years, according to a recent survey of American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) members.  In addition, 44% of the respondents also cited a noticeable increase in evidence taken from Spyware programs.

"Many spouses will use the Internet in order to act anonymously, but in many ways it's the most public thing someone can do," said James Hennenhoefer, president of the AAML.  "Internet activity can provide valuable glimpses into the kinds of hidden activities that a husband or wife might be trying to conceal and Spyware programs can help to make this kind of monitoring extremely easy to conduct."

While 79% of AAML members who responded said Internet browser histories were a main source of information in divorce cases throughout the past five years, none of the respondents reported a decline in this information being used.  Additionally, 21% saw no change in how often a spouse used these records for evidence during this time period.

Internet tracking through software was also noted as an increasingly popular means of gathering evidence.  In all, 44% of AAML attorneys said that Spyware was used more often than not in divorces over the last five years. Only 2% of AAML members noticed it had been used less frequently than in previous years.

More at The Earth Times.

DEAR ABBY: Cheated-on wife’s divorce ring deserved, even if meaning fuzzy

LITTLE ROCK — DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year old woman with two daughters, ages 20 and 23. I married my high school sweetheart, “Cooper.” I had heard rumors that Cooper had strayed from time to time, but had no evidence to back it up, and, of course, he denied it.

I went by my husband’s office one day to surprise him, and his new secretary informed me that Cooper had just taken his wife to lunch at a local bistro! I went right over there and found them whispering, kissing and feeding each other. I did not make a scene. When Cooper arrived home that evening, I confronted him. He tried to deny it. I called him a liar and he slapped me! (A first.) He moved out that night, and I filed for divorce.

I pawned my wedding band and engagement ring. The clerk asked if I was going to buy a divorce ring. I had never heard of one. I searched online, found a nice one, ordered it and wear it proudly.

Cooper and his parents are livid! They say I am poking fun at him and accuse me of “promoting divorce.” My friends and oldest daughter think it’s cool. Some of my divorced friends have ordered rings, too. The ring is different in design, beautiful, makes me feel good and shows my independence. Should I feel guilty for wearing an identity ring like this?

- Divorcing and Loving it North Carolina

DEAR DIVORCING AND LOVING IT: No, you should not. The next time Cooper and his parents accuse you of “promoting divorce,” remind them that it was Cooper who promoted divorce by openly cheating on you. If the ring brings you pleasure - and comfort - then enjoy it.

However, please be aware that many people will not understand its significance - and if you wear it on the third finger of your left hand, they may think you are still married and unavailable.

Read it all at Arkansas Online.

Woman's Divorce-By-YouTube Is 'Scary New Step'

Woman Makes Claims About Intimate Life, Family

A New York woman involved in a divorce battle spilled secrets about her husband, his family and their intimate life in a "scary, new step" in user generated content, attorneys said.

Tricia Walsh-Smith can be watched on YouTube lashing out at her husband, Broadway executive Philip Smith, in a teary and furious clip that has been viewed more than 150,000 times.

Local 6 reported that lawyers can't think of another case like Smith's and are calling it a "scary, new step."

During the video, Walsh-Smith goes through their wedding album on camera, accuses her husband of trying to evict her out of their apartment, and even makes embarrassing claims about their intimate life.

Her lawyer said she acted out of passion and is a "victim who is holding her head up," though he wasn't representing her when she made the video.

Her husband's lawyers say they're "kind of appalled."

Other divorce experts said the video will likely come back to haunt her.

They said the clip probably won't help her in front of a judge.

Read more at Local 6.

Ex-millionaire's maneuvers bring poverty: Plan to hide assets from ex-wife unraveled, authorities say

Ronald Miserendino, 72, showed up in divorce court with the visage of a broken man. The former multimillionaire was clad in a jail-issued orange jumpsuit, his wrists and ankles shackled.

He sobbed as he begged his ex-wife for money.

"When I get out of jail, this will leave me at age 72 with no money except my Social Security check, no home to live in and with no clothing except what the jail puts on my back," Miserendino, once worth an estimated $10 million, told Milwaukee County Circuit Judge Michael Guolee last week as he dabbed his eyes with a tissue.

His ex-wife, Cynthia Son, said nothing and did not turn to look at the man she had married in 1979. Her lawyer, Dennis Milbrath, spoke for her.

"Any money she would give him would be subject to government liens," Milbrath said. "We have to decline his request."

Miserendino has been in the Milwaukee County Jail since November 2005, facing 10 counts of bank fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, tax evasion and money laundering. With two marriages ending in divorce, he now stands accused of trying to hide millions of dollars that otherwise would be part of a divorce settlement.

Miserendino's saga reads as if it were from Hollywood. The elements of love, money and larceny are all there.

The story began in 1979 when Miserendino, then 43, advertised for a housekeeper and cook. Son, 26 at the time, had been a flight attendant looking for a new career. She got the job, and six months later she and Miserendino married. The couple had three daughters in four years.

It was Miserendino's second marriage. He left his first wife and their six children on the East Coast when he came to Milwaukee.

Miserendino said he came to Milwaukee because of a job transfer and he began dabbling in real estate. Over the years that he was married to Cynthia Son, he built up his company, the Trace Corp., a real estate management and development company.

Son filed for divorce in January 2001. Miserendino refused to accept service of the divorce papers and went on the lam. It was then that his problems began.

According to court records, within a month of the divorce filing, Miserendino secretly set out to liquidate his company's assets and go underground. The divorce court judge, John DiMotto, had ordered that all the company assets be frozen until the divorce was final.

Miserendino enlisted the aid of his son from his first marriage, Mark, whom he had made a vice president of Trace. Son, who had been Trace's secretary, was removed from the company roster.

The effort involved taking out a bank loan for $5 million, a $500,000 advance on the company's line of credit, and cashing in Treasury bonds worth more than $10 million, according to court records. Miserendino gave the $5 million from the bank loan to his son. Mark got smaller cashier's checks and sent them to his father, who was secretly in Hawaii, where Trace owned a house and two lots.

The divorce was granted, and the court awarded Cynthia Son $5 million plus the family home in River Hills. But the money was gone -- much of it to taxes and penalties. But Miserendino also had converted nearly $5 million to cash and had stashed it in safe deposit boxes in Australia and in several states, according to court records.

Milwaukee lawyer Robert Steuer was appointed to sort out Trace's financial mess. That led to the foreclosure sale of Estabrook Homes, a 220-unit apartment complex in Shorewood, and other assets.

Miserendino, still on the lam, was charged in October 2005 by federal authorities. His son, Mark, was charged with income tax evasion.

In November 2005, after living with a girlfriend secretly in Hawaii and failing in an attempt at bankruptcy, Ronald Miserendino moved back to the mainland, where his luck ran out. An Oregon police officer stopped Miserendino for driving with his brights on. The federal warrant for Miserendino's arrested showed up when the officer checked his driver's license.

Miserendino said he has had few visitors while in jail, and none from any of his nine children.

"Their mothers poisoned them against me," he told a reporter.

Miserendino denied the allegations contained in the federal plea agreement in which he admitted to liquidating his company assets and evading taxes. He blames it all on his son, Mark, who is awaiting sentencing on tax evasion charges.

"I tried to send the money back to him so he could do it the right way and pay the taxes," Miserendino said. "I told him to pay her (Cynthia Son) and take care of the bills."

During the interview, he accused his son of hiding money that federal officials believe is still squirreled away somewhere.

Lawyers familiar with the case say the money has been accounted for.

Miserendino was supposed to be sentenced last week, but he refused to agree to the plea agreement just minutes before he was to be sentenced by U.S. District Judge Lynn Adelman. Matthew Jacobs, the assistant U.S. attorney handling the case, was going to recommend a four-year sentence that would mean Miserendino would get out sometime next year.

As part of the agreement, Miserendino was required to give his ex-wife $750,000 from the $2.9 million that he had hidden in Australian safe deposit boxes. In divorce court, he agreed to the payment, thanking her profusely for relinquishing any claim to his $1,236 monthly Social Security check. But he also begged her to give him half of the $750,000 so he "wouldn't have to spend my old age in poverty."

In the divorce court, Miserendino said earlier that he thought he could keep the rest of the $2.9 million. Now he understands that the IRS is bringing a civil action to collect back taxes and penalties, and he would have nothing.

"I owe more than they have already taken from me," Miserendino said.

Miserendino's new sentencing date is April 21.

From Trading Markets.

Forget silver anniversaries: Many couples grapple with 'gray divorce'

It's been nearly a year since Sherman Smith's 33-year marriage ended in a divorce that, he said, his ex-wife wanted after she realized she didn't love him in the same way anymore.

"A divorce is kind of like a death, but she's still there and I can't have her," said Smith, 55, of Elliottsburg, Pa. "I was really looking forward to retiring some day and spending more time with her."

Smith has spent 18 months in a divorce support group. "I'm not 100 percent, but I'm pretty doggone good," he said.

Annie, 69, of Enola, Pa., who didn't want her last name used, has been divorced since September after her husband of 47 years left her for an old high school flame.

Annie said she had considered their marriage a happy one. Divorce simply wasn't in the realm of possibilities for them.

"It hit me in the face like a two-ton truck," she said. "I hadn't a clue. It was the most absolutely horrible thing that ever happened to me. I'm still not over it. I'll never be over it."

Although the divorce rate is highest among men ages 30 to 34 and women ages 25 to 29, attorneys, marriage counselors and researchers say that increasingly, people in their 50s, 60s and 70s are grappling with what has come to be known as "gray divorce."

Higher incomes, advanced education and longer lives contribute to the trend, said Gordon Nelson, an associate professor of human development and family studies at Penn State.

"People might be becoming increasingly more independent," he said.

Mature people in long-term marriages often have multiple and complex reasons for calling it quits.

The '60s generation, more focused on happiness and personal fulfillment and less inhibited about divorce, is moving into its 60s, New Cumberland, Pa., psychologist and marriage and family therapist Sally Tice noted.

And as people live longer "there's more years to think of putting up" with unhappy marriages, she said.

Raising children can take a toll, too.

"It's very typical for couples to grow apart during the adolescent years of their children," Tice said. And if they haven't renewed their relationship, it can fall by the wayside.

Carlisle, Pa., divorce and family law attorney Carol Lindsay identified one age-old reason for gray divorce: the midlife crisis. This temporary emotional upheaval is seldom referred to as such by anyone in the midst of one, and it's typically a male phenomenon, she said.

"There's this vague longing. Mortality is calling," Lindsay said. "People throw over things they have. ... There's this sense that I missed something."

But it's not always true that older men find it easier to remarry, said Camp Hill attorney Corky Goldstein — whose oldest divorce client was 81 and "very, very unhappy" in a 44-year marriage.

"If you don't really have any money, a man in his 70s is not going to attract a younger woman," he said.

Yet, while divorce at midlife used to be more of a "male deal," increasingly women are initiating it, Lindsay said.

A 2004 AARP study of persons who had divorced between the ages of 40 and 70 confirmed Lindsay's observations: 66 percent of the women surveyed said they had asked for the divorce, compared with 41 percent of the men.

Lindsay believes a different kind of midlife event is often at work with women who, for years, cared for their husband and children.

"The hormone for taking care of people goes away and they're sick of it," she said. "They're just not in the nurturing mode any more."

Sometimes it has to do with women getting jobs and having the money to leave, coupled with a softening of the taboo against divorce, Lindsay said.

Gray divorces generally don't have the grueling, heart-rending custody issues common in younger couple's divorces, but they can be wrought with the complications of property ownership and division of assets.

In Smith's case, his ex-wife had her own pension plan, he said.

Annie, a retired teacher, also has her own pension and Social Security, but she resents how the divorce has changed her financial situation.

"When my husband and I were together we had enough money to do whatever we wanted and now I'm strapped," she said.

Some older couples show their maturity in the way they handle their divorce. "Sometimes there are graceful older people and you are so grateful for them as clients," Lindsay said. "I always think a long marriage deserves to be honored with a respectful divorce."

TIPS FOR SURVIVING DIVORCE IN LATER LIFE

• Join a support group.

• Develop same-sex friendships.

• Volunteer.

• Don't isolate yourself.

• Seek out the medical, mental health and spiritual resources.

• Give yourself time to grieve and heal.

• Consult an attorney and a financial adviser before signing any documents regarding marital assets. Choose an attorney who will advise you of your rights and represent your interests but who won't escalate matters beyond your comfort level. You both are going to want to attend the grandchildren's birthday parties.

From AJC.com.

Radio Station Giving Away Free Divorce

A Charleston radio station is observing Valentine's Day with a reminder that Cupid sometimes misses his mark.

WKLC-FM, better known as Rock 105, is giving away a free divorce.

Valentine's Day isn't all hearts and flowers, says WKLC Program Director Jay Nunley. There is a darker side, he said, "where maybe you despise your spouse and resent the entire day."

Through 4 p.m. on Thursday, Valentine's Day, applications for the free divorce will be accepted on the classic rock station's Web site, http://www.wklc.com. The winning name will be drawn at 5 p.m.

Nunley cautions that this is a real divorce and people shouldn't enter if they aren't serious. Also, people expecting a long, drawn-out legal battle should hire a lawyer because the Rock 105 contest is for a relatively uncomplicated divorce.

Charleston attorney Rusty Webb will handle the actual filing.

"Sure we can give away concert tickets, and we do," said Nunley. "That's going to make you happy for a little while. This is the chance to make someone happy for the rest of their life."

Today's insanity brought to you by the AP.

Un-tying The Knot

Taking A Closer Look At The State Of Our Unions And What Happens When Marriages Fall Apart

First things first: About half of all couples who marry in this country actually will make good on that vow to tough it out "for better or for worse … "til death do us part…"

And - for better or for worse - 85 percent of us will eventually take that trip down the aisle - or at the very least, pay a visit to the marriage license bureau, like the one that CBS News correspondent Kelly Wallace visited in New York City.

And when you ask newlywed couples like Philip Hansen and Nicoline Petersen about the future, things look pretty rosy, despite the fact that nearly one out of every two first American marriages will fail.

"Why did you decide to get married?" Wallace asked the happy couple.

"We have been together nine years, four months," Nicoline told her. "When you have been living that long, time has decided we will spend our lives together."

"You're optimistic?" Wallace asked the groom.

"Yes," he joked, "I am coming here now just to get divorced tomorrow."

Laura Gibson and Chad Rimer like their chances, too.

"Why did you decide to get married?" Wallace asked them.

"There has always been a feeling I am in it to the end," said Laura. "I love him, I trust him, that is why I do not think we will be a statistic."

So what are their odds?

With Valentine's Day around the corner - we thought we'd take a closer look at marriage, and divorce, in America in 2008.

To begin, you'll be encouraged to learn that, while the divorce rate doubled from 1960 to 1980 (the days of the sexual revolution), since 1980, the number of divorces in this country has pretty much remained steady.

But one thing has changed: There's been a fundamental shift in the way we view divorce.

"Divorce is - used to be - just absolutely stigmatized," says Dr. David Popenoe, co-founder of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University in New Jersey. "And you know, divorced women a hundred years ago had to leave town in small town America."

"I would say marriage has changed a lot," Popenoe told Wallace. "Basically, in '60 and earlier, it was sort of an ironclad institution that was held together by law, by religion, by family pressures, by economic dependency. And all those things have withered."

But some things remain the same. Maybe you remember "The Seven Year Itch," Hollywood's classic take on temptation. 

We certainly recall Marilyn Monroe's figure, but what about that seven year figure?

"The seven-year itch was essentially a device - a playwright's device," explained Raoul Felder. "But then they started doing studies. And sure enough, what do you think? The average marriage broke up in seven years, when they're gonna be divorced."

Felder ought to know. They call him the shark of split - he's a legendary New York divorce attorney. 

"What is it that happens after seven years that you say, 'I'm done'?" Wallace asked him.

"I think it's probably the first few years, there's magic and mystery, and the next couple of years there's buying a home and having children. And now you stagger through to the seventh year and you've had enough. Ain't nothing left," said Felder. "so it's to the lawyer's office."

But Dr. Popenoe says that these days, it's more like the eight-year-itch.

"That eight-year average length of marriage that ends in divorce used to be seven. So it's gone up a little, which is kind of good news. It's lengthened."

But divorce lawyers say there are other critical times for a marriage.

"It's not the only spike. Another spike is at 17 and 18 years when the oldest child is set to go off to school," says Ike Vanderekel, a lawyer in Dallas.

"But we have a kind of cruel joke in the business," he said. "And that is that mom gets the house and the last couple of years of high school, and dad gets his secretary."

"I actually think there is a seven year itch," says Los Angeles attorney Stacy Phillips. "Generally, it's more the man, more the working spouse. Even though we have a more egalitarian society now, moms still do stay home - he marries the younger one who he met at work, who looked up to him with those big eyes. And he said, 'She's great cause she works.' And then, she gets pregnant and she stays home, and the cycle repeats itself."

Back at the New York license bureau, Lourdes and Luis Jimenez's marriage presents intriguing statistical probabilities - it's a second marriage for both. That makes it even more likely they'll wind up in divorce court.

Still, they're optimistic.

"We are going to live each day as if it's the first date," says Lourdes, showing off her new ring.

For them, the second go-round may indeed be the charm. As we said, the divorce rate has remained steady since 1980 and even declined a bit.

"One of the big reasons, we think, is because there were many fewer teen marriages in those later years," says Dr. Popenoe. "And teen marriages, which we had an awful lot of early on, are the most prone to divorce."

Read it all at CBS News.

Marriages on ice in January?

Like a symptom of the cold weather, marriages tend to freeze over in January.

With the holidays behind them, unhappy spouses start acting on their dissatisfaction by visiting lawyers, Saginaw attorneys say, and what was a trickle of clients in December becomes a torrent the next month.

"After the holidays, any conflict in marriage relations can worsen," said Stephen A. Seman, an attorney in Saginaw for 30 years with a practice at 1002 S. Michigan in Saginaw. "Between Thanksgiving and the first of the year, underlying stresses can exacerbate."

While people start talking about divorce in January, they act on it in February, Saginaw County statistics show.

In 2007, February featured the most divorces in Saginaw County with 86, indicating that people who sought consultations in January followed through the next month.

Seman said there's a lull in divorce consultations during December because "we all want to believe our dreams will come true."

When he returns to his office after the Christmas vacation, "calls increase dramatically," he said. Seman estimates the frequency of divorce consultations soars by 25 to 30 percent from December to January.

It's a trend other lawyers have noticed.

"Historically, more people are shopping (for divorces) in January," said Christopher A. Picard, an attorney in Saginaw since 1983, who opened a private practice with his father, John A. Picard, in 1986 at 820 N. Michigan.

After the holidays, "the euphoria comes to an end and people gear up."

In January last year, 68 people filed for divorce, the fifth slowest month of the year.

As Seman observed, November and December of last year featured the fewest divorces, with 53 and 51, respectively.

Since 1990, the divorce rate both nationally and in Michigan has steadily declined. In 2006, the number of divorces and annulments in Michigan totaled 35,022, or a rate of 6.9 per a population of 1,000.

In Saginaw County, however, the divorce rate was less stable over the past decade. While the rate hovered between 4.3 and 5.9 per 1,000 since 2002, a spike of 7.1 -- 737 actual divorces -- occurred in 2006, placing the county just above the state's average.

In 2007, Saginaw County's number increased to 837 divorces.

Not everyone believes that divorce filings ebb and flow strictly with the seasons.
"Seasonal trends could be anecdotal," said David A. Cable, District Court administrator for Saginaw County.

State offices close and lawyers take vacations during the holiday weeks of November and December, Cable noted, suggesting that a lack of opportunity may cause the low rate of filings in those months.

As much as the winter chills marriages, the summer heats matters up just enough for unpleasant unions to dissolve.

Seman considers summer months the second busiest time of year for divorce, particularly for couples with children. In the summer, with school letting out and all the associated obligations settling down, parents often get their first chance of the year to evaluate their situations, "to focus on their own lives," as Seman put it.

The factors that cause marriages to sour vary widely, but money woes and immaturity are leading causes, Picard said.

In his eyes, many marriages are salvageable.

"Many issues take time to work at," he said. "If (problems) were looked at as bumps instead of potholes, there might be less divorces."

Read more at Michigan Live.

Divorce raises finance issues

Once you've made the difficult decision to end your marriage, the next step is to work out a financial agreement. Ultimately, you may need a good attorney to ensure you receive an equitable settlement, but here are some things to think about.

Many states determine the value of the retirement assets to be split based on the official date of separation, not divorce. If you separate in February 2008 but don't divorce until sometime in 2009, the courts may direct you to divide the assets (the specifics will be determined by your settlement) as of February 2008.

With this in mind, if your husband is about to get a bonus or retirement payout in April, you will benefit from separating after that date, and if you're expecting a big bonus a few months down the line, the same is also true for him.

If you intend to leave the house to your husband, insist that he refinance immediately and take your name off the mortgage. If your name is on it and your husband defaults or gets behind in the payments, it will affect your credit score and you'll be responsible for those payments, too. Don't let that happen.

Keep accurate records

Make copies of all your most recent financial statements, so there's an accurate record of all the money to be split. Long after the divorce is final, you can still be held liable for debt your ex-husband accumulated while you were married, even if it was in his name only.

Make sure you know about all credit cards that were taken out during your marriage. If you have cards with balances on them, pay them off now, and then close those accounts. If you're not able to do that, the settlement should address a repayment schedule.

Think of Social Security

Social Security is also a big consideration. If you've been married for at least 10 years, you qualify to receive half the amount of your husband's benefits when you reach full retirement age. If half of his benefits are more than all of your benefits, you could choose to receive his instead.

Even after the divorce, if your ex-husband dies, you'll be entitled to survivor's benefits starting at age 60. If you remarry before turning 60, you won't be eligible to receive payments from your ex-husband, unless that second marriage ends.

For more information on divorce and Social Security benefits, call the Social Security Administration at 800- 772-1213 or go to www.ssa.gov.

Remember, settle for nothing less than what you deserve. And here's to a new happily ever after.

From Suze Orman in the Detroit Free Press.