California Divorce and Family Law

Season hard on kids of divorce--Parents should focus on what's best for child, experts advise

Gather round the family TV, what passes for a hearth these days, and images of holiday togetherness are hard to avoid. Ads for expensive cars with red bows say more than buy, buy, buy. They also convey the epitome of domestic bliss.

For most of us, iconic pictures of perfect families aren't reality. For families divided by divorce - a fact of life for someone in nearly everyone's family - the advertised ideal can pile hurt on top of hurt. Rather than bring joy, this season from Thanksgiving through New Year's can heighten loneliness and anger.

Where will the kids spend the holidays? Many divorced parents find ways to keep the peace. Out of change, they create new traditions.

"The ones who do it well put the children first," said Christine Wakefield Nichols. A court-appointed family law guardian, Nichols helps hammer out parenting issues in Snohomish County Superior Court's Family Court Investigations department. Often during the holidays, Nichols said, "the devil is in the details." "The discord hasn't been settled, and they do forget about the child," said Nichols, who is also certified as a school social worker.

When couples with children divorce, a parenting plan is part of the proceedings, said Della Moore, supervisor of the superior court's Family Court Investigations department. Parenting plans spell out which parent has primary custody and set schedules for regular visits, holidays and school breaks, Moore said. "In the best-case scenario, parents agree on it," she said. "What we see in family court are disputes if a parenting plan is ambiguous in the least," Moore said. "A lot of parents kind of lose focus when they're getting a divorce. They're dealing with their own adult issues."

A holiday disagreement is commonly an extension of old problems or jealousies, Nichols said. "One party or the other is still trying to get back or be the superior parent," she said. Add hectic travel, and some children are left feeling they haven't had a holiday at all. "The children are exhausted. One of my big issues is being on the road, little kids in the car, a lot of running around with everybody trying to see everybody," Nichols said. "If you're looking for what's best for the child, what makes sense? What works for this little guy or this little girl?"

Kids are also hurt when they're used as spies, Nichols said. Just as it's harmful to criticize the other parent in front of the kids, it's unfair to question children about relationships in the other household. The sad fallout of separation is that children frequently blame themselves and almost always hope parents will reunite, Nichols said. Through all the hardships, "a lot of people do it right," Nichols said.

A new stepparent can be a positive support. Nichols said kids do best when that new person takes on a role similar to a friendly aunt or a kind teacher and the parent doesn't delegate discipline duties. Families that thrive in spite of divorce do so by extension of the golden rule, by treating others as they'd want to be treated. Nichols said that includes: initiating regular contact with the absent parent; being prompt and having children ready at exchange time; assuring kids that you support their relationship with the other parent; and being flexible so the child can be part of special events.

Trained mediators help families sort through details and give them a place to talk. "We really are making families stronger," Phillips said. Susi Bryant, office coordinator at the Dispute Resolution Center, said mediation often reflects a family's natural evolution. "Sometimes the kids are now older and want to do something different.

Or someone gets married, or wants to spend Christmas in Wyoming. "It takes communication," Bryant said. "A lot of mediators put a picture of the children on the table, so everybody remembers who the negotiation is for."

Read it all at the HeraldNet.com.

Therapy helps woman move past divorce

In the Clarion Ledger is an article by a mental health professional about his experience with one of his patients:

A 28-year-old female patient complained about how bad her life is because her ex-husband now has a new family. She was very upset and could not let go of the thoughts of him. Because of feelings of anger and resentment, she could not hold a job, resulting in her living with her mother.

The patient was referred to a therapist who confirmed she suffered from an adjustment disorder mixed with depression and anxiety. During the course of therapy, they discussed the connection between her repressed feelings and anger and helplessness. Cognitive therapy was used to help her gain a different interpretation of the events. In this form of therapy, the patient is helped to view situations differently, like the analysis of the glass being viewed as half full instead of half empty.

For the patient to gain this ability, she first had to be made aware of the problem. She did not realize her negative thoughts and state of depression resulted from her distorted interpretation. The patient was made to understand the divorce was something that happened in the past, and she had to let it go. In addition to the therapy, the patient was encouraged to get out of the house, start socializing, take charge of her personal grooming and initiate communication with other people.

Adjustment disorder is defined as the development of emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable stressor. This patient's main stressor was identified as the divorce she experienced. Symptoms can include depressed mood, tearfulness and hopelessness, and occur in excess of what would usually be expected from exposure to the stressor and cause significant impairment in social and occupational/academic functioning.

Once the stressor (or its consequences) have terminated, the symptoms can resolve within six months for some patients. Unfortunately for this patient, many additional stressors are caused by the divorce - financial strains, lack of support and social isolation. This is why it was so important this patient received the involved treatment of the psychotherapy and medication. Through this detailed treatment, she was helped.

Other important factors with this patient was she was not suicidal and did not have a medical condition or hormonal problems, which could have caused her symptoms. Suicide is a risk that has to be considered, and can be prevented with timely treatment.

During a recent follow-up visit, she stated she had learned how to put this painful experience in perspective and "move on." She reported she started a new job and was getting out of the house and feeling better about herself. She had started going out with friends and was focusing on her own happiness and creating her own internal peace. She was able to "let it go."

Helping Kids Of Divorcees Through Holidays

Divorce can be rough on children, and the holiday season, which is supposed to be full of joy for kids, can actually make things even rougher.

But on The Early Show, author D.K. Simoneau offered suggestions to help divorced parents make things better, so their children can have a happy holiday season.

She's the author of "We're Having a Tuesday," a children's book that addresses the difficulties of being passed from one parent to another, on a Tuesday, a holiday — or any day.

What are some common emotions children may experience?

They often experience their own loneliness, or they worry that their parents are lonely. They may be worried and frustrated that they can't spend time with both parents. And, they sometimes feel left out, like they are missing one celebration, or they may be worried that their parents are missing out.

They ask, "Do I go to Mom's, or Dad's, or do I go to both?"

What are some things divorced parents can do to make the holidays easier for their children?

1. COMMUNICATE. You need to be open about how they feel about splitting time. Obviously, you need to communicate your schedules, for instance, if you'll be out of town. And, once you've established those schedules, you'll need to stick to them: If your ex says dinner is going to be served at 2, don't drop the kids off at 5.

But, be flexible. Set a time. If dinner is at 2, you need to allow that another celebration may run over. So, if your ex arrives at 2:15, instead of 2, don't have a brawl. You need to have some give and take; everyone's celebration is important.

How involved in the communication process should the kids be? Discuss the holidays ahead of time with your kids, and see what they want to do. The holidays should not about what you want, but rather, about what your kids want. Communicate with kids first before you approach yoiur former spouse; see what they want.

2. PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST. Remember: Your kids should come first, so you and your ex need to put your differences aside. If there's any way at all spend you can spend some time together, do it, even if it's just an hour for a meal, or opening presents together. Try to find a balance for family. Remember: It's not about you, it's about your kids.

Simoneau says her ex comes over every Christmas morning, before the kids wake up, so he's there to see the looks on their faces when they open their gifts. And, the night before, she bakes cinnamon rolls with her children, who are now 9 and 11. They all open the gifts and eat the rolls together. Then, her ex leaves, and they do their own thing. They've been doing that since their divorce.

What if it's not possible for you to spend time with your ex, for whatever reason? Sometimes it might not work, so you may need to let your kids call the other spouse. Let them do it openly, so they don't need to sneak off and worry that, "Mom is sad because I didn't call her." Or, maybe allow the other parent to pick up the kids for an hour to go for a walk.

3. AGREE ON GIFT-GIVING METHODS. Try to buy them together, so they come from Mom and Dad. Or, if you need to shop separately, perhaps help your kids buy a gift for your ex.

What about the idea of trying to buy your child's affections - if one parent tries to outspend the other? If you have a civil enough relationship to talk about gift giving, you should be able to set some spending thresholds, or buy them together.

4. ESTABLISH NEW TRADITIONS. These can be as simple as what you have for breakfast Christmas morning, driving around town to look at the holiday lights, learning a new activity, volunteering in a soup kitchen or going to see "The Nutcracker." Sometimes, people try to recreate the past, and kids know it's just not the same. That's not to say you can't incorporate some of your old traditions, but it's good to have some new ones, too.

Don't try to recreate all of it. Unless you're fortunate enough to all be together, your kids will know it's not the same, and that there's obviously someone missing, which can be sad.

The holidays can be a happy time for kids, and part of that comes from making new traditions.

Don't dwell on what your missing; create new traditions. Overall, Simoneau says she can't emphasize enough: Put your differences aside, and remember that your kids come first!

To read it all and to see an excerpt from the book, go to CBS News. 

Marriage counseling not a bad idea even if divorce is imminent

From Dear Amy in the Denver Post: A week before Christmas, my children and I learned that my wife of 22 years had a boyfriend. She moved from the home in January. I started seeing a counselor immediately after learning of her affair. Since her departure, I have discovered that she has had several other marital indiscretions. She continues to see her boyfriend.

Recently, she decided to join me at my counselor appointment. We have gone two times together. We have learned that communication was our big pitfall, and the counselor is working on that issue. I sincerely "love" my wife and pray for reconciliation. Do you think it is too late for marital repair, or is this just a step for her to reach a "friendly" divorce? - Jay

Dear Jay: If you're asking me to interpret your wife's motivation in attending counseling sessions with you, I can't. I can tell you this, however. It's never too late for marital repair. It's never too late to learn how to communicate with someone who has been in your life for more than 22 years.

If your wife is only interested in an amicable breakup, then counseling will help with that too. "Marriage counseling" might seem completely beside the point when a marriage is ending, but I would urge both of you to continue. An amicable breakup sure beats the other kind of breakup. It leaves the door open for friendship and reconciliation, and whether or not your marriage is over; reconciliation of the spiritual (not just the marriage-saving) kind will be good for the whole family.