California Divorce and Family Law

"After my divorce, I lost touch with my daughters. Now that they're older, I'm desperate to reconnect with them"

Dear Lesley,

Do you think it is possible to reconnect with two daughters in their early twenties, from whom I have been estranged for at least five years? The trouble is that I have tried to put the past behind me emotionally, and do not want to open myself up to be hurt again.

I'll try to summarise events. I divorced their mother when the girls were 12 and 14 because she was having an affair with a colleague and our home life was a mess. The divorce itself was uncontested. I obtained joint custody, bought a home and attempted to rebuild a relationship with my daughters. Naively, I believed their mother would support me in this, but instead she constantly disparaged me to my daughters and to others. Later I came to learn that this phenomenon is called Parental Alienation Syndrome.

I attempted family counselling but my efforts were undermined, both by my ex and by my daughters, who were getting out of hand. When they left school, they both moved away to go to college and carried on seeing their mother, but in all this time I have seen them only once. Over the years, I continued to send them birthday and Christmas cards and occasional emails. However, much as I wanted a good relationship with my daughters, I distanced myself from them emotionally and financially. I was not willing to accept a one-sided relationship, nor would I allow myself to be disrespected or used.

Recently, the door between my daughters and me has been opened slightly. But I take the view that, much as I would like a relationship with them, I will not attend any function at which their mother is present. I know this sounds selfish and immature but I cannot describe the emotional damage this woman has caused. My daughters have interpreted this attitude as a direct rejection of them. Can you see any opportunity for me to have a meaningful relationship with my daughters without changing my position?

Ian

Dear Ian,

I have a picture in my head of you walking backwards from your daughters, draped in silver crosses and garlic to ward them off. They are not vampires. They are young women. It is very clear to me that you long for a good relationship with them and I am going to encourage you in that. A short answer to your final question is that I do see an opportunity for a meaningful relationship with your daughters but I also think you have to consider changing your position. You can drop some of the defensive control, without opening yourself up to be badly hurt again.

It may surprise you to learn that I don't believe in happy endings. I am on the side of Solon the Lawgiver, who famously said: "Call no man happy until he is dead". He wasn't being gloomy, simply acknowledging the fact that every human life is full of twists, turns and surprises. I am not going to encourage you to believe that your family past can be completely forgotten and that you can walk off into the sunset with a loving daughter on each arm. Life is much more complex than that.

However, I do believe in redemption. I believe that human beings have the ability to take a step back, adjust their behaviour and get different results. I believe in the power of growing adults to mature and gain new understanding. I believe that if you lower your expectations, lighten up and take the long view, you can protect yourself from a lot of pain. I think you are right to shield yourself as far as possible from the caprices of your wife, but your daughters are still a work-in-progress, and so is your relationship with them.

There is so much to gain here. Last week in this column, I published letters from step-parents and stepchildren who testified to the reconciliations that come with maturity. When your daughters find partners and have children of their own, they will tap into mature emotions and may become more forgiving themselves. They will certainly welcome the contribution of a loving and tolerant grandfather. Your question is, how do you get to there from here?

You say that the door between yourself and your daughters "has been opened slightly." I'm intrigued by the passive voice. Who opened it? Was it you? Was it them? I have a picture of a half-open door with people standing warily on either side of it, looking but not daring to step. They've been hurt, too. When you say you won't be in the same room as their mother, it looks to them as if you are putting your hurt feelings above theirs.

I don't know how you have been approaching the question of a meeting, but I think it might be easier for everyone, and carry a lot less emotional weight, if you were to start with something pretty small – a lunch, say. You can't walk slap-bang into a meaningful relationship with them after so long a gap, but you could manage an hour together –­ an hour in which you listen, without preconceptions, to what is going on in their lives. An hour in which you drop any attempt to be in control. An hour in which you take a deep breath and acknowledge that you don't really know the girls (or girl – you could do it one at a time) very well, and you need to observe the good in them. You are the grown-up. You can afford to be patient.

If they want to bring their mother along, keep your cool and refuse gently. Say something along the lines of, "Sweetheart, I can see why you'd want to get your mother and me together, but we have a difficult history. Maybe one day we'll be friends but, just for now, I'd like to catch up with you on your own and get to know you a bit better. Let's take things slowly, one step at a time."

What do you really know about them? Not a lot if your relationship rests on birthday cards and the odd email, and your primary emotion is fear of being used and exploited. I can see that they were difficult teenagers, but they are young adults now. I repeat that you will build a much better relationship with them if you meet without preconceptions.

And what is wrong with helping them out if they really need help? Nobody wants to be exploited, but if, after an hour in their company, you pick up on the fact that they need help furnishing an apartment or paying for education, then offer to help if you can. It feels good. It's what fathers do – and it reinforces what is good in them.

An easier relationship with your daughters won't happen overnight. But you have the rest of your lives and, on a timescale like that, I do believe miracles can happen. Who knows, a few years down the line you might even be able, for your daughters' sake, to be in the same room as your ex-wife for the length of a wedding or a christening. Once you have healed some of your wounds, she won't be able to hurt you as she used to

By Lesley Garner at the Telgraph.

Children and Divorce – 5 Parenting Tips for People Going Through a Divorce

Dealing with a divorce is a daunting task indeed.  Once you place children into the equation, the situation becomes even more difficult to handle for people who barely know what to do themselves.  The purpose of this article, however, is to help you focus on what you should do when you spend time with your children, both during and after the divorce process.

 

Remain Positive

 

Whatever you do, try your best not to let your children see you fall apart, even if that’s what you want to do most.  Children don’t understand the complexities of adult relationships and emotions, so there’s no need to burden them with emotions they can’t handle.  Do your best to keep things on a positive note; they are no doubt trying to do the same for you.

 

Don’t Discuss the Details

 

Again, there’s no reason to discuss the divorce with your children, especially if they don’t ask you about it.  Never talk negatively about your spouse and remember that your children still love them as much as they love you.  You should focus on the time you have together and answer any questions they may have as neutrally and briefly as possible.  There’s no need to burden them with extra information that may change their perceptions of either party.

 

Enjoy Your Time Together

 

When you have your children, make the time you spend together quality time.  Do fun activities that help you all bond and work together as a team.  Don’t let negative emotions get in the way or prevent you from doing things as a family.  Sure, things won’t be the way they used to be, but that doesn’t mean that you need to give up either.

 

Don’t Change Parenting Habits

 

More than during any other time, your children need you to be consistent with them.  Don’t be afraid to punish them; they still require discipline.  Be the same parent you have always been and do your best to make sure that you and your ex are still on the same page regarding routines and punishments.  Just because your relationship is over doesn’t mean your children’s needs should fall to the wayside.

 

Be Accessible and Available for Your Children

 

No matter what, you want your children to know that you are going to be there for them when they need you.  Don’t make things out to be worse than they are; no matter what, you will always be their parent.  This time in your children’s’ lives can have a huge impact on their future, so you want to let them know that you are there for them whenever they need you.

This post was contributed by Kelly Kilpatrick, who writes on the subject of a criminalist. She invites your feedback at kellykilpatrick24 at gmail dot com

Divorce rates higher when child has ADHD

Parents of children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may be more likely than other parents to divorce before their child's 8th birthday, a new study suggests.

The study included nearly 500 couples - 286 had a child with ADHD and 206 had a child without this condition. The researchers found that couples with a child with ADHD were almost twice as likely to divorce before their child turned 8 years old. After that age, however, divorce rates were similar in both groups of parents.

Past research has found that compared with couples with a child without ADHD, parents of children with the disorder tend to argue more often and be less satisfied with their marriage. But studies have come to conflicting conclusions regarding the divorce rate.

These latest findings, published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, suggest that divorce may be more common in families with young children affected by ADHD.

"Families that 'survive' through that age, perhaps because they are low on all of the risk factors, apparently will make it through the rest of the child's childhood," Dr. William E. Pelham Jr., one of the researchers on the study, said in a statement.

Other factors associated with divorce in couples with a child with ADHD included antisocial behavior in the father; a maternal and paternal history of divorce; parent substance abuse; and depression in the mother.

It's also important for parents to realize that a child's ADHD alone will not break up a marriage, according to Pelham, a professor of psychology and pediatrics at the University of Buffalo, State University of New York.

"Certainly we are not suggesting that having a child with ADHD is the only reason these marriages end in divorce," Pelham explained. "Disruptive child behavior likely interacts over time with other existing stress in the family to spark conflict in a marriage and, ultimately, divorce."

Unfortunately, he and his colleagues point out, children who already have behavioral problems may have a particularly hard time dealing with divorce. With this in mind, the researchers write, health professionals who treat children with ADHD should try to routinely ask parents about their marital relationship.

They add, however, that divorce is sometimes the best option for couples having serious marital conflicts.

From Reuters.

Keeping The Kids Out Of Your Divorce

It is not a commonly known fact, but the divorce rate in this country is actually going down.

The National Center for Health Statistics show numbers steadily dropping from 1979, when rates were at their highest.

But the effects of divorce are still a major problem and News 13's Emily Lampa has expert advice that can help both parents and children cope with this tough transition.

"There's a spirit of retribution in a divorce, and in that spirit of retribution, the kids get lost," said Evelyn Wenzel, a clinical social worker.

Pantaleon is in the process of getting a divorce, which has been hard on her family.

"I was just hoping that we were going to be able to go through this as friends and putting the children's best interests first, and it didn't turn out that way. It's gotten to, I guess, what you would term to be a nasty divorce," Pantaleon said.

That is why she and her husband looked for professional help and found a counseling service.

Counselors asked the kids to draw pictures or play video games in an effort to get them to open up about the divorce.

"A lot of this is about helping children feel safe and secure and be a kid, still," Wenzel said.

Counselors say there are 10 mistakes parents typically make when going through a divorce, and avoiding them can make a big difference in this tough transition.

• Don't fight in front of the children
• Avoid using children as messengers
• Don't put children in "parent roles" --- like referring to a son as the man of the house...experts say it puts unnecessary stress on children
• Don't destroy support systems.  Continue to allow your children to see grandparents, family, and friends
• Don't spoil your kids by giving your child everything they want because you think it will ease tension
• Avoid making the child feel one parent is the "good" parent and the other the "bad" parent
• Experts say dating in front of children in the first year after the divorce is a no-no
• Don't make promises you can't keep
• Don't have different rules at each house --- what happens at mom's house should also happen at dad's house
• Never discuss money matters with the children

Pantaleon admitted that it is sometimes hard to stick to the list, but she said it has had a positive effect on her family.

"You just have to make a choice. You have to choose to be happy. You have to choose to be kind and you have to choose to take the higher road."

Read it all at News 13.

In Divorce: Welfare of minor children is important

One of the most important considerations for couples going through a divorce should be the welfare of their minor children, including custody and visitation issues.

Too often, however, their children become yet another object of disagreement between the already-fighting parents.

The guiding factor in determining the custody of the minor children is: What will best promote the interest and welfare of the child?

The court has significant discretion in this decision. It makes sense for parents to create their own agreement for the welfare of the child. If the parents are unable to agree, they are required to participate in mediation. If that is not successful, a court will have to make the decision. The parents are then voluntarily turning custody issues over to a judge, who, though well-intentioned, has no personal knowledge about the child. Parents should give this careful consideration.

If the court does have to decide, the factors are numerous and diverse just as are the acts of parenthood itself. The court will consider all of those things that might impinge on the development of the child’s physical, mental, emotional, moral and spiritual faculties. The court will consider each parent’s caretaking abilities. The court will consider the child’s bonding with each parent and with other siblings. The weight, however, that the court may put on any of these factors is within the judge’s prerogative./p>

Can the court give custody of the minor children to someone other than the parents? Yes, but it is not likely. The right of parents to have custody of their children is substantial - but it is not absolute.

Other relatives, therefore (including well-intentioned grandparents), face an uphill battle in trying to get custody of minor children. They must show the parents to be unfit or engaged in conduct inconsistent with his or her parental status. It is not enough for the relatives to show that they may be more fit to have custody of the children.

Whatever their disagreements are with each other, parents should keep their eye clearly on the most important consideration: What is best for this child? That should be the guiding star.

Remember: An informed choice is a smart choice.

Read more about this at the Winston-Salem Journal.

Study: Divorce affects father, child relations

A team of Penn State researchers has discovered that in families with divorced parents, the emotional distance is the greatest between teenagers and their fathers, with repercussions affecting the children into their college years.

Alan Booth, a sociology and human development professor, found that while distancing increases between children and fathers after a divorce, relationships between teens and their mothers are less affected.

Booth attributed these findings to the fact that fathers typically have less communication and contact with children after divorce than mothers, as mothers are usually awarded custody.

"Most children end up residing with their mother and are, therefore, closer to their mother," he said.

Booth explained that while statistics show fathers have become more active parents over the past few decades, they are usually less interested and involved with children than mothers are.

"Even when both parents are present, there is a tendency for mothers to be more involved with children, especially approaching and during teenage years," Booth said. "Fathers tend to be more involved when children are young while mothers tend to be consistently involved."

The person who leaves the household, typically the father, is at an extreme disadvantage in preventing emotional distancing, as they have less communication and contact with children, both of which are important aspects of parent-teen relationships, Booth said.

Laura Davis (freshman-psychology) is a student with divorced parents who experienced distancing with her father similar to that explained in Booth's study.

"I live with my mom, so obviously I'm closer with her," Davis said. "It's complicated because my dad never wants to stop by the house because my mom is there."

When the father does have contact with his children, it is often in a public setting such as a movie or a ball game, limiting the amount of affection and spontaneous interaction that can occur between the parent and child, Booth said.

"When we were younger, my dad used to call us and take us out to dinner, but we were never really close to him just because he didn't live with us," Davis said.

Not living with a child also limits the rules that a parent can enforce, which also affects the quality of the parent-teen relationship, according to Booth's research.

His study found that teens have more control over the relationship with their parents and distancing.

"Children control whether there is a lot of contact with their father or a little," Booth said. "If a child doesn't show much interest and a father isn't getting much positive feedback, contact and communication may suffer."

The gender of the teen played no part in the trend observed by Booth; sons were no more likely than daughters to become distanced from their fathers.

"Same-sex bias does not seem to show up in these divorce studies," Booth said.

Read more at the Daily Collegian.

                           

After divorce, take steps to smooth parenting issues

Many divorced couples bring residual hostilities to the table, especially in matters pertaining to their children.

Resolve to make your dealings with your child's other parent as pleasant as you can -- even if he or she doesn't.

If your ex knows how to get under your skin -- and uses this knowledge unfairly -- resolve to keep your cool anyway. One tip is to have a friend with you when you have to see your ex in person; the mere presence of another person often calms the mood.

Don't hang on to old resentments, especially when your children are present. Take time to calm down and remind yourself that the remaining connection to your ex is solely about the welfare of your children.

Bite your tongue when you are tempted to speak ill of your ex in front of the kids. The best outcome of badmouthing your ex is that your children will feel uncomfortable. At worst, it will backfire on you: Children who are old enough to understand will likely feel a responsibility to defend your ex, further complicating the situation.

The same rules of good parenting you believed in while you and your ex were living together are still important. Talk to your ex about how to handle discipline, school projects, health-care matters, extracurricular activities and other situations you both need to have input on. Compromise whenever you can.

From IndyStar.com.

Study: Divorced Parents Do a Good Job

Divorced parents do just as good a job as married couples in raising kids, a new study claims.

This new research overturns a commonly held belief that families fractured by divorced parents become inferior havens for children compared with stable homes.

"My findings that parenting practices are unrelated to divorce appear to fly in the face of accepted wisdom," said Lisa Strohschein, a sociologist at the University of Alberta in Canada.

Some divorced couples may overcompensate for a split-up by focusing more attention on their kids, which could partially explain why divorced and married households scored similar child-caring marks.

"Some parents may overcompensate and be extra-conscientious, and there are definitely some parents who do have problems parenting afterwards," Strohschein told LiveScience. "But on average, parents don't change their behavior."

Parental care

Strohschein examined data collected as part of the National Longitudinal Survey of Children and Youth (NSLCY) in 1994 and 1996. The surveys followed about 5,000 Canadian children living in two-parent households as of 1994 and compared changes in parenting practices among the 200 households with subsequent divorces and those that remained intact.

Parents answered survey questions about three parenting behaviors:

• Nurturing: How often parents praise a child; how often parents play games/sports and laugh with children.
• Consistency: How often parents follow through with forewarned punishment, for instance.
• Punishment: How often parents yell or use physical punishment, versus calmly discussing or suggesting alternative ways of behaving to their misbehaving child.

The results are published in the October issue of the journal Family Relations and show no differences between divorced and stably married parents for any parenting behavior either before or after a divorce.

"Although divorce may be stressful, it doesn't necessarily transform parents into bad or indifferent parents to their children," Strohschein said.

However, Strohschein found that parents who had no more than high-school degrees became less consistent and relied more on punishment to discipline misbehaving children over the course of the study compared with parents who had post-secondary degrees (college and/or graduate school).

Households with an annual income ranging from $40,000 to $59,999 in 1994 showed a greater decrease in nurturing behaviors compared with wealthier homes (more than $80,000 annually).

Family facts

Past research has suggested that divorced parents fail to keep routines and maintain control over the household. In addition, studies have shown divorced parents may blur the boundaries of the parent-child relationship by turning to their children for solace.

"Undoubtedly, some parents will be overwhelmed and unable to cope with the demands of parenting in the post-divorce period," Strohschein said, "but the expectation that all parents will be negatively affected by divorce is unfounded."

The new information, she says, could be used to refine government and other programs dedicated to helping families during and after divorces.

"It does parents a disservice to automatically assume that they will have problems after divorce," Strohschein said. "That education and to a lesser extent income predict parenting behavior says much more about what makes a difference to parenting behavior."

From Yahoo News.

Child of divorce wants to choose where he lives

Q What are your thoughts on split custody of two siblings?

Eight months ago, the son asked to move in with the father. Now he's asking to move back to his mom's house. He's 11.

His reasons for wanting to return are to see his mom and his 6-year-old sister more; to have friends, because he has made no new ones in his current school or neighborhood; and he doesn't like the fact that no one is there when he gets home from school.

His dad doesn't want him to go back, but I think the son is very lonely. He mentioned in passing that he moved in with his father because he didn't want his dad to be lonely. The divorce was four years ago. His mom has remarried, and his dad just recently started dating.

Is it a good idea to let a child select where he wants to live? Is it hurtful to separate siblings? Should the dad get to decide where the child lives? Would a family counselor be a good idea to sort through the issues?

 

A Who decides where a minor child lives after a divorce? Sometimes a judge decides; sometimes the decision is made by mediation. Sometimes the parents fight over where the child will live. Sometimes the child has input, sometimes not.

What's best for the child? Two parents who love the child, understand the child's needs, realize the impact that divorce has on a child, and communicate well so that they can work together continuously on what's best for the children as they grow and develop.

I'm guessing that the person who wrote today's letter is a grandparent. I infer that the parents are not paying much attention to their child and don't communicate well. I also infer that the boy asked to leave about the time mom got married. Mom now had a husband and two kids, while dad had no one. I find it interesting and disquieting that some children of divorce end up taking care of their parents instead of the other way around.

To answer your questions, splitting two siblings is not a good idea. There are enough other changes going on in the children's lives at the time of a divorce. As for an 11-year-old deciding where he wants to live, if a custody fight came before the court, most judges would ask the child — or have the child and both homes evaluated — before making a final decision.

Your letter points out a major pitfall in letting the child decide. It was noble of the boy to want to take care of his father, but he's too young to take on such a task. Depending on what the custody arrangements are, dad doesn't have the sole right to decide.

Family counseling would be a great idea if all parties, including the mother's new husband, are willing, and are all in a mode of "I want what's best for the kids." Individual counseling for the boy could help him realize that he's the kid and he deserves friends and stability in his life, even if dad is lonely.

Finally, it's fortunate that most children are resilient, because so many parents today have it backward. They put themselves first — before the kids. Some children of divorce never quite get over it. I recently heard a man in his 60s mention it was the 50th anniversary of his parents' divorce. He remembered the exact day.

I realize that not every couple can or wants to follow these rules, but here are Dr. Heins' rules for protecting children from the effects of divorce:

● Don't get married unless you expect to spend the rest of your life married to this person.

● Don't have children unless they will be able to spend their entire childhood in the two-parent family you created.

● Don't get divorced unless you're comfortable with the idea that your kids might spend their entire lives remembering a divorce anniversary and its impact.

From the Arizona Daily Star.

How to make a difference for a child of divorce even as a bystander

Divorce these days surrounds us. Children everywhere are affected. It affects our grandkids, our nieces and nephews, our neighbors, our students or patients, and many other kids that touch our daily lives. Sometimes on the outside it's hard to know what to do.

After all, these kids are missing their parents. They are subjected to different rules and routines. Sometimes they are even the victims of intense emotional battles that rage between their parents. From the outside looking in, it's a helpless feeling watching these situations. So just what can you do? Here are ten suggestions to help make a difference for a child of divorce you might know:

1. Give lots of hugs. A child who is being bounced around between homes may not be getting the kind of love and attention she needs. Don't force it, but be ready to show affection when she needs it. Pay extra attention to the children. Mom and Dad often don't realize how neglectful they have become and the kids need all the love they can get.

2. Listen. When a child is feeling comfortable enough to talk to you about the situation, just be there and listen. You don't need to offer suggestions just give them a safe place to share what they are feeling.

3. Suggest a support group. If you have the kind of relationship with either parent that you can make suggestion, you may want to suggest a support group. There are divorce groups for the parents as well as grief organizations (such as Rainbows.org) for kids.

4. Don't talk down about either parent. Children need a safe-haven for discussion and if you insert your feelings, especially negative ones, the child is less likely to feel comfortable talking with you.

5. Read together. Reading out loud can be very soothing. You may wish to include a few books on the subject of divorce or split-family living. It may be enough to help them realize the feelings they are keeping inside and begin opening up about them. It also helps them to realize they are not unique in this kind of lifestyle. If it seems appropriate give or lend the books to the parents to possibly begin their own conversation.

6. Stay neutral. No matter how bad you want to take sides, don't. Keep those feelings to yourself and help the children feel comfortable about confiding and sharing feelings.

7. Do not get involved. Unless you are legally required to do so, do not get involved. It is very difficult to know both sides of a story, nor do you probably want to. You may some day need support from both parents for some unknown reason and you do not want to have burned any bridges.

8. Stay firm. Whatever rules or expectations were in force in your dealings with the child should not change. Softening your expectations sets the child up to use his circumstances to not be the best he can be. Staying firm can be one step that can prevent a child from spiraling into poor behavior.

9. Start a new tradition. Offer to take the child to the library and start a book club where you each pick a book for the other to read. Maybe go for ice-cream on Tuesday afternoons. Do something to reinforce your relationship with the child.

10. Learn the routine. If you show frustration with the schedules and routines, children will see that. If instead you accept the routines and try to make the best of it, you will take extra frustration out of the child's life, and he doesn't feel like he is doing something so unusual.

Source for post is SheKnows.