California Divorce and Family Law

Avoid sides when friends divorce

Q: Is it OK to resume a friendship with the ex-husband of an old friend? Following their divorce all the friends took the wife's side. She bad-mouthed her ex and we all bought into it. Now I am divorced and remarried and I saw my friend's ex at their son's wedding. I felt sorry for him as he told me how rejected he felt by all of us. What is the proper etiquette in these cases? I know my friend wouldn't like it as she can be a bit controlling. Do I respect her wishes and therefore say goodbye forever to her ex-husband as my friend?

A: As a general rule it's best not to take sides, and don't let either side intimidate you into thinking you should. If you're a friend to both, stay a friend to both. But that's if the couple split because of irreconcilable differences. If there was infidelity or violence or something that caused your friend pain or embarrassment, then it's understandable if you choose to be friends with one and not the other. Even that decision, however, can backfire. We don't live with our friends and are not party to the real reasons they break up; extenuating circumstances might be uncovered down the road.

Bad-mouthing an ex is pretty standard behavior after a divorce, and it's easy to be swayed by a friend's anger or pain. Now that you have divorced, you know how it feels when friends walk away, and it sounds as if you now see the value in maintaining both friendships. In that case, you must weigh how resuming your friendship with this man will affect your friendship with his ex-wife. Time has gone by and the decision may not affect her as strongly now. Or she could still carry a grudge and it's the last time she'll call you to go shopping. Consider if she's the type of friend who plays tit for tat when she's angry. How would you feel about her hanging around with your ex-husband? If that's a problem, think twice.

If your new husband and you do decide to renew your friendship with your friend's ex, consider good ex-etiquette rule No. 8: "Be honest and straightforward." In other words, no lying about sitting with him at the football game and then acting as if you don't know him to protect yourself against your friend's anger. Stand behind the decision -- or don't do it. Finally, when being friends with both, don't be the messenger -- stay out of the middle.

From the Contra Costa Times.

Dating after divorce: When to reveal your past

After his 10-year marriage ended in 2004, New Yorker Phil Lee, 42, found himself tagged with the modern-day scarlet letter: "D" -- divorced. He wondered how that (not to mention his three children, ages 19, 11 and 9) would affect his future dating life.

The fitness-business owner says it hasn't been much of a hindrance. In fact, his children are usually an icebreaker.

"At my age, a lot of the women I meet have children themselves, so it's generally a back-and-forth over each other's children," says Lee. He jokes, "Women that don't have children and don't want to have children don't really talk to me."

Although the divorce rate is the lowest it's been since 1970 (3.6 per 1,000 people), about 40 to 45 percent of all marriages will end in divorce, according to an Associated Press estimate.

A Dutch study this year showed that divorce reduces one's chances of having a new, successful relationship -- slightly more for women than for men. Children reduced the chances further. It's no wonder newly dating divorcees may be hesitant to mention the details.

"Many people hide these truths because they don't want to scare off a potential date, but hiding such information will make your date feel tricked," says Christie Hartman, a Denver psychologist and author of "Dating the Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide If He's Right for You."

Here's how to reveal your previous marriage to your potential future spouse.

Broaching the subject

When is it time to delve into the facts of your past? Right away, Hartman says. She advises:

• If you are going through a divorce, tell the person you are dating pronto. Don't beat around the bush, and don't say you are already divorced if you are still in the process of it, as did one man Hartman dated. "I suspected that this man wasn't over his marriage, which made sense -- after all, he wasn't even divorced yet," she says.

• More personal information, such as why the marriage failed and the nature of your relationship with your ex, should be saved for a later date when the two of you are more comfortable with each other. As Hartman puts it, "Your date wants to know about you, not your former marriage."

• Don't go into too much detail. Focus on what you learned and how it made you a better person. "This decreases the chances of overwhelming your partner," she says.

• Be neutral when speaking about your past partner. If you criticize your ex, you risk sounding petty and emotionally involved. If you heap on praise, you sound as though you still have romantic feelings for your ex.

• Know what you want out of the relationship and what you're capable of. "Be honest with yourself first, then with potential partners," Hartman says.

After you've come clean

Congratulations. You've revealed your relationship status to your date, and he's not choking on his shrimp scampi. However, it's important to understand your date's perspective.

"The overarching fear is that your 'baggage' will bring unhappiness into his or her life," says Hartman.

So, make sure you really are ready to look to the future. Get your ex, kids and finances under control. Show that you've learned lessons from your previous marriage and moved on. Assure your new partner that she or he is a priority and provides what you want and need now.

In general, anger is an uncommon reaction, unless you haven't been forthright to begin with. If your partner is angry, apologize and work to win back that trust.

If you have kids

Always reveal up front that you have kids. Not only does your love life have to factor in your kids' schedules and lives, but some people prefer to date those without kids. It's in both of your interests to know right away if this is a deal-breaker.

Lee agrees. "If I meet somebody, the first things that I talk about are my children and my previous wife. If you don't do that, you come across as being dishonest."

But take it more slowly when it comes to telling the kids. Before making introductions, tell your kids about the person you're dating, and why they'll like him or her. If your divorce was finalized within the past six months, wait longer and go slower with introductions, as the children are still grieving, Hartman says.

"Listen to their opinion about your partner, but don't give them the power to influence your decision," she says. "Kids need to know that you're in charge."

However, if your new lover doesn't warm up to your kids after a while, you may have to end the relationship. "Ultimately, your partner needs to like your kids," says Hartman. "It's better for everyone involved."

From CNN.

Dating After Divorce

Parents Need To Heed Kids' Reactions But Not Give Them Too Much Power

The cellphone calls would start a couple of hours after she left. "Mom, it's 10 o'clock, when are you coming home?"

And later, "Mom, where are you now, Mom?"

When Anita Garvey started dating a couple of years after her divorce, her teen daughters said they were happy for her, but even so, it wasn't easy on the kids - or Garvey.

"It was almost like I was a teenager. It was like a role reversal," said Garvey, who was divorced four years ago. It was perhaps made harder, she said, because she had been an at-home mom for most of her children's lives, leaving the house to work only six years ago.

"They were used to having me 24/7," said Garvey, of South Windsor. "Working was a little hard for them to digest, and then divorce was hard for them, and then when I started dating, I could sense they felt me pulling away."

Finally, one of her daughters said, "Mom, you know, I'm not liking this too much."

For parents who are navigating the dating scene in search of a new partner, the process of parenting while on the prowl is delicate at best.

The challenges for a single parent range from the practical - finding the time, a sitter and a date - to the complex: gauging whether you are ready for a relationship, what your child's emotional reaction is, whether the date has long-term potential. All of this may make it seem easier to simply wait until the kids are out of the house.

But even then there can be problems - twentysomethings have been known to dislike mom's boyfriend as much as 12-year-olds - so it's probably worth proceeding when you feel you're ready, experts say. With 25 percent of families with children in homes run by single parents, according to 2006 U.S. Census Bureau figures, you'll have plenty of company.

So here is some advice from experts and parents who have been there.

First, make sure you are ready to date, said Donna Ferber, a licensed professional counselor in Farmington with a specialty in life transitions and author of "From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman's Journey through Divorce." If a marriage ended in divorce, Ferber said, "It's good to take the time to learn what went wrong before anesthetizing with a new relationship."

Priscilla Dunstan, an Australia-based specialist on communication with children - known internationally as the "baby listener" - and a single mother herself, suggests setting up social and recreational times with friends from the beginning. This gives you social support, while also getting your children used to the idea that you need time for a social life, too. This way, Dunstan wrote, in an email, "when you start dating ... your children won't feel that your date is taking up their time with you, it's just a regular night out."

If there's one mistake that gets made too often, according to Ferber, it's introducing children to a partner before the child is ready or before the parent knows whether the person has much potential for a stable relationship.

"The child may not be through grieving," said Ferber. "The parent may feel like this is something new and exciting, but their child may not be on the same page. Their reaction may have more to do with their own grieving process than with the person.

"Secondly, if you do connect and then break up, the child experiences a loss all over again," said Ferber. Children may ask, "Did I do something wrong?"

Dale Macken, who was divorced 14 years ago when his children were ages 4 and 1, said that over the years he'd never introduce a new girlfriend to his daughters until he was fairly certain the relationship would be long-term.

And when he did introduce a date to his daughter, he'd call them simply a "friend," with the hope of having his kids treat them more casually.

"But Dad, they are `girls,' and they are `friends,' so they are your `girlfriends,'" he recalls his daughter once saying to him. "No honey," he'd tell her, "they are friends who are girls."

Macken, who lives in Bristol, joined a singles group at the First Church of Christ in Wethersfield. He liked it because he could get to know a woman as a friend first in a group setting before thinking about a romantic involvement. Macken and Garvey are now dating.

It's "a slippery slope" deciding when to introduce kids to a potential mate, Ferber said.

Read more at the Hartford Courant.

Diving in after divorce

BEFORE TAKING THE PLUNGE BACK INTO THE DATING SCENE, SURVEY THE DEBRIS FROM THE MARRIAGE, EXPERTS SAY

If only real life played out like TV.

Recently divorced singles face a slew of dating challenges that their never-been-hitched counterparts seldom endure. From where to find appropriate men and women to how to get their dating game on, there is much for the newly single to relearn.

Prime-time television is wising up to the fact that divorced people date. The six-part miniseries "The Starter Wife" (USA, 9 p.m. Thursday) and the reality show "Ex-Wives Club" (ABC, 9 p.m. Monday), which both premiered in recent weeks, represent TV's summer fling with freshly unmarried singles. The programs depict the recently divorced finding their way in their new, spouse-free status.

They also serve up their share of implausible scenarios, such as when the still-hurting "Starter Wife" Molly (Debra Messing) serendipitously runs into the mysterious yet alluring Sam (Stephen Moyer) the moment a promising date stands her up.

But maybe the shows are onto something. There were 23 million divorced people in the United States in 2005, according to the U.S. Census. With many of these divorced men and women looking to reconnect, we enlisted relationship and dating experts to provide 10 tips on re-entering the dating pool without drowning.

1. Don't dive in too quickly just to forget about an unsuccessful marriage; if you have unresolved issues that caused problems during your married life, don't think they won't 

2. Ask what you learned about yourself from the previous relationship. Is it tough to trust someone new? Are you repeating behavior that got you into trouble in first place? Are you choosing the same type of person. "My feeling is if you can't think of anything, give yourself some more time to figure it out, otherwise you're very likely to get stuck in the same place again," says Bill Lamb, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Jose.resurface with the new honey. "Fix yourself up before you get fixed up," says Susan Shapiro, author of "Secrets of a Fix-Up Fanatic".

3. Consider a physical makeover. Think about changing your hairstyle, updating your wardrobe or trying out a new pair of glasses. If you're a guy, lose the baseball cap. If you're a woman and "you want to meet a guy, get out of the plaid jumper and put on that sexy black dress," Shapiro says. And for the love of micro-minis, please, dress your age. What's hip on a 28-year-old might make someone who is 48 look like a midlife meltdown.

4. Don't limit yourself to bars, online dating sites or speed-dating events. They're often dominated by youngish singles who emphasize looks over substance and experience. Unless you can pass for Jessica Alba or Johnny Depp, you're setting yourself up for rejection and hurt feelings. The upside of avoiding bars: no need to blend in by ingesting stomach-turning energy drinks!

5. In lieu of meat markets, follow your passion by getting involved with an organization, a volunteer group or by enrolling in a class. Into hiking? Join the Sierra Club. Like literature? Sign up for a book group. From sporting events to political rallies to helping out at a literacy center, activities allow you to meet people who share your interests in a less-threatening environment. Along with providing dating prospects, extracurriculars enlarge your world and enrich your life.

6. Develop friendships. This is arguably more important than lining up that first post-divorce date. "I can think of a lot of divorced clients who had no other relationships - no friends" other than their spouse, Lamb says. Friends provide a support system - as well as a handy means to yank off your rose-colored glasses. They also help undermine the temptation to jump into a relationship when what you really want is to fill the friendship void. Don't make the mistake of trying to make a partner a confidant, a best friend and a shrink.

7. Open yourself up to individuals who aren't your "type." No, this doesn't mean you have to suck face with the Quasimodo in the Raiders jersey, but if you're looking for a partner, you're playing a numbers game. "You can't over-focus on one date," Shapiro says. "Think of what you go through when you're looking for an apartment or a job. Sometimes, it's the 30th option that works for you."

8. "Don't leave your brain at home," Lamb says. When looking for a connection, don't ignore red flags. Trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right - or safe - it probably isn't. Also, consider grabbing coffee rather than alcohol on the first date. When your judgment is unclouded, warning signs are easier to spot.

9. If you have kids, don't assume that you're now the leper of the dating realm. You can bet Cupid's left butt cheek that plenty of other single parents are also on the market. If your date's interest suddenly wanes when he or she learns you have children, move on.

10. Love doesn't make you happy; pursuing the things you love is a far better prescription for contentment. Work on figuring out what makes you excited about getting up in the morning. You'll likely be happier - and contented adults are far more alluring than their crusty, embittered counterparts.

Thanks to the San Jose Mercury News.

The Courage to Rebuild After a Break-up or Divorce

Your body holds the wisdom of your deepest self. It is where the life force flows and where you feel the joy and pleasure of your life. It is also where you feel the grace that comes from your connection to God, higher power, or intelligent energy in the universe. Your body also holds your personal history. This is where your feelings originate and where you experience your sorrows, disappointments and losses that life brings your way.

In times of crisis often there is a tendency to disconnect from the body to avoid the pain of a loss. This begins at an early age and continues through adulthood. It becomes an unconscious pattern. The body then becomes a machine instead of a source of strength and guidance. As you begin to rebuild your life, stay present and aware of what is going on in your body. Begin now to use your body as a compass as you learn about the inner and outer work of healing following a divorce or break-up.

Picture yourself standing in the middle of a building. Suddenly the walls of the building collapse leaving you exposed in open space. The walls represent your marriage and intact family as you experienced them: safe, strong, chaotic, or painful. It was a familiar place. On the other hand, divorce and single parenting can feel as if you are standing alone in the exposed, open space, with no walls around you.

Loss of a spouse through divorce is a crisis that effects every aspect of your life. This includes your emotional, intellectual and spiritual identity, as well as your family, friendships, financial, social and physical health. Divorce causes more changes and losses than any other life event and these losses impact both your internal and external world. It can throw us into a tailspin, causing us to feel like a fish out of water and a life without purpose.

Your feelings can range from confusion, doubt and ambivalence to anger or even relief. What happens in your internal world is mirrored by your external world, where your life as you knew it feels turned upside down. To bring structure back to your life there are two distinct types of work to be done: inner work and outer work.

The inner work is about understanding and expressing your feelings and can be compared to clearing away the debris of the collapsed walls of the building so that a new structure can be built. Outer work is creating your new life as a single person and single parent. This may include finding a new home, establishing new friendships and creating a special set of rituals around holidays and children’s events. This can be compared to raising a new set of walls. The healthy tools you need to heal and rebuild the walls of your new life are: honesty, courage, faith and self-love.

Honesty means being open with your feelings and being able to share your inner world with other adults. This will permit you to give your children the space they need to express their feelings so they do not pretend or hide what is going on inside them. The act of expressing feelings and having someone listen helps us to heal.

Courage means in the midst of change and uncertainty you move forward step by step taking on each new task the best way you can, not requiring that you be perfect.

Faith is the unshakable belief that you will recover. Everything you need to be happy is inside. It enables you to give your children the message that they are loved and loveable and that will never change. Self-love is the ability to be patient, compassionate, understanding and non-judgmental with yourself and your children even when you do not feel good enough.

It is common to feel the most exposed during holidays and other tradition laden events such as birthdays, vacations, family gatherings and school activities Create rituals around these times: allow your children to participate in the planning. At times like these you especially need to get the tools out and start rebuilding the walls of your new lives.

Inner work is helpful for both you and your children to listen carefully to your own inner experience by asking yourselves often how you are feeling. Keep journals, and hold weekly meeting together. The objective is to clearly express that which is inside of us. Plan activities that will be fun and lighthearted connecting with your heart, body and soul, this can help ease the change and adjustment. Praise yourself for your efforts, and listen with patience to your children. Love heals our internal wounds, but the hand of love must first be our own.

Outer work can involve seeking employment, vocational training, relocating, handling financial issues, developing a new social support system task that you need to do to create your life as a single person. Determine your priorities, set realistic goals and take one step at a time. You might also consider joining a club or special interest group such as a hiking club, gourmet group, dance, theater, or a woman support group. Be kind with yourself as you do each task; your life will unfold as it needs to, and your confidence will grow.

Carry your tools with you everywhere you go. Honesty, courage, faith and self-love will grow and never fail to bring you through the changes in your life. Our deepest sorrows and more difficult challenges can unfold into our greatest accomplishments.

More great advice from Health News Digest.

After divorce: moving onward and upward

The fallout from divorce comes in many forms: emotional, practical, familial, all of them potentially devastating. But when it comes to your financial future, you can move on positively toward security and success.

After you've extricated yourself from any loans, bank accounts and credit cards you may have shared with your ex, you can turn your attention to building up your assets and financial security. Here are three ways to prepare yourself for a fearless, confident future:

1.Build an emergency fund. OK, so you're still feeling raw and maybe a little scared to go solo. Focus on giving yourself a security blanket. Figure out how much you would need to live on for eight months, and then sock that amount away in a savings account. Once you have those savings, you'll be taken care of no matter what happens — a layoff, a loved one's illness, etc. If you received a payout in the divorce, you may have your peace-of-mind fund already. If not, don't stress. Just set up a monthly direct deposit — have the money transferred from your checking account into a savings account.

2. Get the match. If you work for a company that offers a 401(k) or 403(b) retirement plan and kicks in a matching contribution, you must join and contribute enough to get the match. I've said it before: That matching contribution is no different from a bonus. If you find your plan's menu of fund choices intimidating, see if it offers an all-in-one fund (it's typically called a life-stage fund). This is geared toward your age and will have a mix of stocks and bonds appropriate for you. If there's no such fund, look for an index fund that mimics the performance of a large basket of stocks, such as the S&P 500 or the Wilshire 5000.

3. Fund a Roth. If your income is below $95,000 a year, you're eligible to fully fund a Roth IRA (this year you can put in $4,000 if you're under 50 and $4,500 if you're 50 and over). Assuming you have at least 10 years until you retire, a no-load index mutual fund, such as the Vanguard Total Stock Market Index fund, is a great choice. You don't get a tax break when you invest in a Roth, but when you retire and pull the money out, there will be no tax on your contributions or your earnings. So think of your Roth as a standby emergency fund.

Read more at the Ventura County Star.

Dating – Finding Love after Divorce

Dating is not always fun. If you are finding yourself single again after a divorce, and you are looking for companionship, you probably do not like the idea of dating all over again. If you treat dating as a way to meet people, and not feel like you have to fall in love, you might be on the right track to finding the right marriage partner.

Obviously if you were married before and things didn’t work out you probably have a long list of things that went wrong. If you haven’t written them down, you should. Seeing these things in a list will help you reflect on what happened, and how you played a part in the last relationship.

Let’s face it, no person is perfect, not even ourselves. So we all have flaws and short comings. If we go out dating looking for a perfect person, you are not going to find them. What you need to look for is compatibility traits that can allow you to build a life together.

Having common ideas about raising children and religion are extremely important. Things that you will do together, like traveling is a once in a while thing, while having children and your religious beliefs are a daily thing. Those day to day activities is what will help to make your relationship stronger. If you don't have commonality in day to day tasks and ideas, you will have a difficult time staying married.

A therapist said once that if you are on a date, see how that potential partner treats the waiter or waitress, if they are demeaning, rude, and disrespectful to them to watch out. This person is more likely to end up treating you like this in the long run. Also see how they are around animals, if they are mean to animals, she says to proceed with caution. Watching for red flags, and being willing to slow down or not continue dating someone you are not 100 percent comfortable with may be the best thing you could learn to do. Sometimes, we fall into a relationship. Instead of getting out there and meeting the right person, we settle for something that will end in disappointment.

Another thing to consider in dating is that to turn it into a long term relationship takes a commitment from both people. There is going to be give and take, compromise. Finding ways to meet in the middle and take turns is a very important skill to learn. Often in marriage you lose a bit of freedom, but you gain so much in companionship. A book called “Choice Theory” by William Glasser, offers excellent methods and approaches to working out differences in relationships. Finding a person that is willing to compromise and work with you is so very important. It is also important for you to have the right attitude about marriage.

If you need to, get counseling. Don't feel that you have to get through dating alone. It may help getting advice from someone that is removed from your life and my offer an objective view. Sometimes friends and family members may not offer the best ideas. Ultimately, however, the final choices that you make in your relationships are your decision, so take you time to make your decision.

All of the article is available at Best Syndication.

First Divorce, Then A Party

Divorce isn't all about crying into your pillow and changing the locks. It can be cause for celebration. That's just what Dori Baer of Deep River was thinking when she and 11 girlfriends went out to Jacoby's in Meriden for a "raucous night of drinking and dancing" the day she was served her divorce papers

In honor of the occasion, she was presented with a bottle of perfume aptly named "Caliente," for the new Latin male lead in her life, whom she went on to marry. Why the bash? "I felt like I had unzipped and stepped into this brand new life," Baer said, and she wanted to celebrate.

Baer's party-hearty attitude might have been unusual in 1991. It's not anymore. After hearing about many such celebrations, California-based British ex-pat Christine Gallagher - whose website, www.revengelady.com, taps into an unconventional market of its own - began researching and discovered that divorce parties were going mainstream. "In London, a lot of people were doing it; there's even a fireworks company that will do divorce party fireworks," Gallagher explains.

Still, you couldn't quite find Hallmark cards congratulating you on your divorce or boxed invitations to divorce parties, so Gallagher created a handbook to guide people through nearly uncharted territory, "The Woman's Book of Divorce" (2001). When Gallagher had the chance to use her own advice, she did it in a sizzling style: "We threw a party for a friend of mine, with a `Hot, Hot' theme because she was shattered - after a thoroughly heartbreaking experience in which she had, in essence, lost everything she'd held dear." The party featured Mexican cuisine, a salsa dance instructor and a bonfire into which the ex's prized hunting trophy was thrown. The point of the endeavor was to show the girlfriend that she was still hot, that she could still get wild and laugh; that there was some sizzle left in life for her. "She loved the party. For her it was cathartic, a way to blow it all out - like going to a sweat lodge," Gallagher says.

At her Las Vegas divorce party in November, actress Shanna Moakler drank vodka and enjoyed a three-tier cake in the Bellagio Hotel. The cake, it was reported by "People" magazine, featured a miniature knife-wielding blonde in a wedding dress on top, with a trail of blood leading to a tiny groom sprawled at the bottom. Moakler had been married to Travis Barker, the drummer for the band blink-182.

Dr. Dale Atkins, a Westport psychologist with a New York practice, says celebration instead of sobbing can be beneficial. "Divorce is not generally a happy life passage, even if you are the one who initiated it, because there is family involved and a lifestyle you'll be giving up. It is good to have friends with you during life transitions - whether happy, sad ones or those with mixed feelings - and few things are more gratifying than being with girlfriends who support you." Watkins says these parties are generally about helping the honoree to get through it and recognize that he or she is a single person who lived through this and will come out on the other side.

When Adrienne Bailey's sister divorced two years ago and decided to leave California to move home to Salt Lake City, Bailey hosted a divorce party. "I got the idea because she didn't have any friends here in Utah, and so I wanted to introduce her to all of my friends. It was also an excuse to get friends from different parts of my life together." Avoiding direct stabs at divorce, Bailey chose a more round-about approach to the theme and named the bash "The Celebration of Liberation and Libation." She got the "liberation" part of it from Gallagher's book, and the "libation" end of it was "simply another excuse for drinking."

She set the house up for a rave party, complete with black lights in the halls and Christmas lights twisted here and there. Bailey decorated each room for a unique feel and hired a bartender to serve strong drinks, which the hostess described as "real nasty," in keeping with the mood toward the ex. Most important, possibly, all of the invitees were single, both men and women, and her sister had a great time. She walked away meeting several people who'd gone through similar experiences, people with whom she remains friends.

Though the moods may vary, there are some mandatory components of a successful divorce party, Gallagher says. "Friends are even more important than at a wedding, if you really think about it," she says, "because people are out there on their own. When people are there to support them, it helps to show the divorced person that it's OK."

Gallagher also suggests a theme, such as the popular "split theme," in which everything in the party is split - a cake cut down the middle, split-pea soup for a first course - and gifts, which can range from the utilitarian (often people divide their belongings during divorce and are therefore left without many necessities) to the hilarious (an inflatable man) and even the symbolic (a cruise to Alaska).

Atkins, the psychologist, cautions celebrants about going too far. "I know one group of women who took all of the ex's clothes in the house and shredded them. I would prefer they were given to a charity. Still there is something about tearing things up and saying, `I'm finished,' which might help let go," she says.

However, Atkins is adamant about protecting children from their divorced parents' squabbles. "Don't stick pins in a voodoo doll in front of the kids. Children's attitudes about divorce are rarely consistent with parents' views, and there are often loyalty issues which might cause them to feel they have to get on board with one parent's view to be an ally," Atkins says. "I think what is more useful is to share with them what you are all are going through and where you are at now." Some see the value of ritual for those going through a divorce. C

More about this in the Hartford Courant.

Helping Kids Of Divorcees Through Holidays

Divorce can be rough on children, and the holiday season, which is supposed to be full of joy for kids, can actually make things even rougher.

But on The Early Show, author D.K. Simoneau offered suggestions to help divorced parents make things better, so their children can have a happy holiday season.

She's the author of "We're Having a Tuesday," a children's book that addresses the difficulties of being passed from one parent to another, on a Tuesday, a holiday — or any day.

What are some common emotions children may experience?

They often experience their own loneliness, or they worry that their parents are lonely. They may be worried and frustrated that they can't spend time with both parents. And, they sometimes feel left out, like they are missing one celebration, or they may be worried that their parents are missing out.

They ask, "Do I go to Mom's, or Dad's, or do I go to both?"

What are some things divorced parents can do to make the holidays easier for their children?

1. COMMUNICATE. You need to be open about how they feel about splitting time. Obviously, you need to communicate your schedules, for instance, if you'll be out of town. And, once you've established those schedules, you'll need to stick to them: If your ex says dinner is going to be served at 2, don't drop the kids off at 5.

But, be flexible. Set a time. If dinner is at 2, you need to allow that another celebration may run over. So, if your ex arrives at 2:15, instead of 2, don't have a brawl. You need to have some give and take; everyone's celebration is important.

How involved in the communication process should the kids be? Discuss the holidays ahead of time with your kids, and see what they want to do. The holidays should not about what you want, but rather, about what your kids want. Communicate with kids first before you approach yoiur former spouse; see what they want.

2. PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST. Remember: Your kids should come first, so you and your ex need to put your differences aside. If there's any way at all spend you can spend some time together, do it, even if it's just an hour for a meal, or opening presents together. Try to find a balance for family. Remember: It's not about you, it's about your kids.

Simoneau says her ex comes over every Christmas morning, before the kids wake up, so he's there to see the looks on their faces when they open their gifts. And, the night before, she bakes cinnamon rolls with her children, who are now 9 and 11. They all open the gifts and eat the rolls together. Then, her ex leaves, and they do their own thing. They've been doing that since their divorce.

What if it's not possible for you to spend time with your ex, for whatever reason? Sometimes it might not work, so you may need to let your kids call the other spouse. Let them do it openly, so they don't need to sneak off and worry that, "Mom is sad because I didn't call her." Or, maybe allow the other parent to pick up the kids for an hour to go for a walk.

3. AGREE ON GIFT-GIVING METHODS. Try to buy them together, so they come from Mom and Dad. Or, if you need to shop separately, perhaps help your kids buy a gift for your ex.

What about the idea of trying to buy your child's affections - if one parent tries to outspend the other? If you have a civil enough relationship to talk about gift giving, you should be able to set some spending thresholds, or buy them together.

4. ESTABLISH NEW TRADITIONS. These can be as simple as what you have for breakfast Christmas morning, driving around town to look at the holiday lights, learning a new activity, volunteering in a soup kitchen or going to see "The Nutcracker." Sometimes, people try to recreate the past, and kids know it's just not the same. That's not to say you can't incorporate some of your old traditions, but it's good to have some new ones, too.

Don't try to recreate all of it. Unless you're fortunate enough to all be together, your kids will know it's not the same, and that there's obviously someone missing, which can be sad.

The holidays can be a happy time for kids, and part of that comes from making new traditions.

Don't dwell on what your missing; create new traditions. Overall, Simoneau says she can't emphasize enough: Put your differences aside, and remember that your kids come first!

To read it all and to see an excerpt from the book, go to CBS News. 

Minimize divorce trauma during the holidays

10 TIPS TO MINIMIZE DIVORCE TRAUMA DURING THE HOLIDAYS.

The holidays are a particularly challenging time for families going through divorce. There are all these images out there of perfect family holidays, yet your own family is coping with a situation that is anything but perfect. Holidays are a time when the difference between fantasy and reality can be very painful, and this is particularly true if you are going through a divorce. Whether this is the last holiday before the divorce starts, is a holiday during the divorce or is a holiday immediately after divorce, you may be feeling overwhelmed, sad and perhaps a bit anxious.

In offering 10 tips to minimize divorce trauma during the holidays, we certainly do not suggest you put yourself under additional pressure to be perfect. There is no one right way to minimize the trauma of divorce during the holidays. Nevertheless, a few tips from those who have worked with many others going through divorce may lighten your burden:

1. Recognize you are not alone. In the United States, 52% of first marriages and 62% of second marriage end in divorce. The greeting card images of warmth and loving families are not the reality for many, many families. You are not alone if you or someone you love is in the middle of a divorce or just finalized a divorce.

2. Acknowledge that you need to take care of yourself. You are preoccupied, forgetful, clumsy and accident prone. You need to create a health promoting environment around you, and do what you need to relax. Take a walk alone, go to movies, get a massage, or take a fitness class.

3. Stay in the present. This is not the year to dwell on holidays past or worry over holidays future. The past is especially non-productive. Whether the holidays with your "ex" were wonderful or terrible, you will not find it helpful to mull them over right now. Now is the time to make new traditions for yourself and your family.

4. Choose to be a survivor. With any trauma, such as divorce, you have a choice between being a survivor or a victim. The challenge of divorce can actually make you stronger, if you choose survival. To be a survivor, you must stop processing and reprocessing the same old stuff. We know it is not easy to stop digging through the remains of your feelings, but you need to

5. Put the legal and financial side of the divorce "on hold" until January, unless you have a hearing this month. Be careful not to make decisions or large expenditures while under the influence of the holidays.

6. Be the adult parent for your children. Every parenting exchange is likely to be somewhat more emotionally charged as the holidays approach. The parental divorce involves a deliberate decision to keep the trauma away from your children. Remember that the goal is for the children to remember the holidays as a time of joy. You don't want the children to remember their folks always fought for the holidays.

7. The spousal divorce gets tricky this time of year. Feelings are escalated. You may want to exchange holiday greetings with your extended "ex" family. If you have a relationship with a former sister-in-law, call her but don't discuss the divorce. Don't be shocked if some of your "ex-in-laws" treat you as an "ex human being," though, and don't assume that the discomfort of this Christmas will plague all future Christmases.

8. Celebrate your mood swings. You might as well simply acknowledge that you will have mood swings, and treat the ups and downs as a normal component of the divorce process. Try to avoid exaggerating the mood swings with excessive use of alcohol, however, as the reality is that alcohol acts as a depressant, and clouds your judgment. (See, your high school health teacher was right.)

9. Plan what you will do with the rest of your life. This time of year presents wonderful opportunities for reflection. You are now free to guide your own destiny, based on what is meaningful to you. Think about the things you always wanted to do, but never made room for. The divorce process, painful as it can be, also is a liberation to make plans that suit your interests, needs and personality. Do you have a vocation you have never developed? Think of moving, regenerating, reenergizing, gaining both health and perspective. Plan to participate in a charity project, to help yourself by helping others.

10. Have Fun. Think of what makes you smile...get away from the intensity. Give yourself some space to actually celebrate and have a good time with friends and family. You are not betraying your sorrow at saying good-bye to a failed marriage if you actually have some fun.

Remember, after the holidays you have an entire lifetime to deal with the changes in your life. It is not necessary to force yourself to get every emotional issue handled right now. Take time in this time of celebration and peace to give peace to yourself, so you will have strength to give peace to others.

From YourHub.com.