California Divorce and Family Law

Dating 101: How to Tell When You're Ready to Commit

Eight key questions to ask your mate -- and yourself

There is something exhilarating about taking the big leap from dating to becoming a permanent "item" and making that final commitment. But before you run off into the sunset with your mate, make sure that the time you choose to commit is the right time -- and with the right person.

As a divorce attorney, I have found over the years that most couples who wind up splitting do so because there are discrepancies or control issues over what I term the "Big Six." These six categories include: wealth/property and money; children; health, physical and mental; growth, professional and personal; intimacy and loss of love; and fear, both physical and emotional. I ask my clients to take a close look at each of these categories to determine if there are major conflicts, not only with his or her chosen mate but also conflicts within themselves.

Have you found the right person? Is it the right time? Here are eight key questions to ask your mate -- and yourself. The answers will be very telling.

1. How do you believe we should spend our money and on what? If your mate says, "On fun stuff and we'll get to the bills later," you better reconsider going the commitment route until your mate grows up a bit. Most marriages and long-term relationships break up due to stresses and squabbles over money. Splits happen when a couple's values in spending and saving simply do not match. Don't overlook this question. It is critical in determining whether you or your mate are a match and whether you are both ready for a mature relationship -- one that requires fiscal responsibility.

2. What are your thoughts about starting a family? If your mate says, "This is not something I can even think about right now," do not ignore that remark. It could be that your mate will put this decision off longer than you wish or one day stand up and announce, "I've decided against having children." You also need to be honest with yourself. Do you want children? Let your mate know this up front. You may also want to ask your mate about his/her point of view on how the children should be raised. If there are huge discrepancies in this department, there are bound to be serious problems down the road.

3. If I get sick, how will you take care of me? If your mate laughs off such a question with, "How do I know? I'll figure it out then," you should take that offhanded remark as a serious indicator that your mate might not be grown up enough to handle your critical needs. There is a way to test this one: How does your mate treat you when you get sick with the flu? Also, if you know deep down that you would not have the patience or fortitude to care for an ailing mate, be fair and let him/her know of your concerns. Who needs someone in his/her life who is only there for the good times?

4. Do you envision us growing old together? If your mate quips, "How the heck do I know, that is a long way off" or "I guess so," neither answer should satisfy you. To suggest that you or your mate is uncertain of your eventual fate together -- or cannot envision those "golden" years as a couple -- should be a neon sign with bright red lights that flash, "This may only be temporary." Commitments should be thought of as permanent, not temporary.

5. Do you ever think about your ex? If the answer from your mate is "Well, I do sometimes," then you want to ask the next question: "In what context?" If your mate shares stories about the fun they used to have together, this could mean your mate is not over his or her last love. And what about you? Do you still think about your ex? When? How? I highly recommend backing off the commitment stage until you and your mate can safely say that thoughts about your exes are fleeting or random.

6. Has your mate ever told you they scared a former mate in any way? If your mate's answer is something like "Well, yeah, I scared my ex every time I became jealous or mad," step back and think twice. Though your mate may think he/she is ready for a commitment, it may not be the right time for one. If you have had similar issues, the same may apply to you. Are you worried your mate might cheat on you or keep secrets from you or inflict emotional or physical harm on you? If the answer is yes, tackle this now, not after you have made a commitment. Maybe you or your mate could benefit from therapy, anger management, rehab, or other appropriate behavior modification assistance.

7. Is your mate good at problem solving? Does your mate meet challenges head on and collaborate on solutions to problems, or sweep issues under the rug? What about you? Are you mature enough to approach your mate to say, "We have a problem. Let's find a solution to it." How you handle problems together may well determine how long your relationship will last.

8. How does my mate deal with a "screwup?" Does my mate place blame? Does my mate take responsibility for his/her actions? How do I handle my mistakes? Do we both acknowledge our errors and resolve to deal with them? If chronic, negative behavior persists in this area, take a second look to decide if you two are a good match and if you are ready to commit. It is not unusual, for instance, to have each partner blame the other, which rarely accomplishes anything. Placing blame, or finding fault, can only worsen once you are committed.

Written by Stacy D. Phillips and posted at Yahoo Personals.

Picking the right divorce lawyer can help make the split less painful

Approximately half of all people who get married will end up getting divorced. A divorce can be a stressful and traumatic experience for men, women, children and for members of the extended family who are also impacted by the break up of a marriage.

Having the right attorney can alleviate some of the emotional sting and reduce some of the stress which are integral parts of the divorce process. Conversely, having the wrong kind of legal representation, can make an already painful experience significantly worse for you and for your loved ones.

Since I have counseled many people who are considering a divorce or who are going through a divorce, and because I have interacted with many attorneys who handle martial matters, I thought a few suggestions on finding the right divorce lawyer could be helpful to my readers:

1. Select an attorney who specializes in family law.

If you choose this kind of lawyer, it is likely that his or her office is set up to deal with the forms and paper work which are part of the divorce process. A law office which is automated to deal with divorces will streamline the experience and save you time, money and stress.

2. Decide if you are more comfortable with a male or female attorney.

This is a personal choice, but I believe it is an important one for a person who is about to end his or her marriage.

3. Interview three or four lawyers and decide who seems most competent and determine who you feel most comfortable with.

Bring a list of questions to your initial consultation and get a sense of the lawyer's knowledge and his or her communication style. Check out their websites before you meet with them. This should give you a sense as to what their practice is like. You may also want to visit www.martindale.com to get some more background information on lawyers and law firms.

4. Choose an attorney who has practiced in the county where your case will be heard.

You want a lawyer who knows the judges and the opposing attorney. If your attorney has a good relationship with the other players, you can benefit from their ability to work together.

5. Determine if you are more comfortable with a law firm or with an individual practitioner.

There are pros can cons to both.

6. Find an attorney who tries to settle things, but who is not reluctant to fight for you if things get nasty.

7. Talk to people who have been divorced.

See who they recommend. It is unlikely that you will find someone who thoroughly enjoyed the experience. However, you probably will find someone who feels that their case was handled in an effective and a pleasant manner. This is the kind of representation you want when you are dissolving your marriage.

8. Negotiate with your lawyer and see if he or she will handle the entire process for a flat fee.

Some lawyers will work in this manner.

9. Don't spend money on battles that you cannot win, just to get back at your spouse.

10. If you feel you have made a mistake and hired the wrong lawyer, don't be afraid to switch attorneys.

This can be cumbersome, but sometimes it is in your best interest to change counsel, if you are not getting along well and if the process is going poorly.

Originally from divorce360.com and printed in SanLuisObispo.com.

'Can't afford' divorce in hard times....BUT

Financial problems often drive couples apart, but the nation's overwhelming economic crisis may be holding them together.

"People simply can't afford to get divorced. They can't afford the legal fees; they can't afford having two separate places to live," said Michele Weiner-Davis, a Colorado social worker and founder of divorcebusting.com, an online community for couples considering ending their marriages.

"There are a lot of couples who decide they have to stay together and have become motivated to do so," she said, adding that her own practice is still busy.

Spouses who are divorcing are finding that the often-nasty experience is now even more contentious.

"[Spouses] want to receive a certain amount of support and the other will say they simply don't have enough money," said Michelle Thomas, a divorce lawyer who works in the District. "Divorce has become more contentious because there is less to divide. Then they are separating and the pot has shrunk. It is hard for the other spouse to comprehend that."

Home values in the Washington area have declined 19.4 percent from a year ago, according to the S&P/Case-Shiller Home Price Index, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average has fallen nearly 35 percent in the same period, taking a huge chunk out of couples' home equity and 401(k)s. Job losses make the situation even more difficult.

Divorce rates often fall in a bad economy. Statistics show divorces declining in the District and at least two states - Kansas and Connecticut - over the past three years. Up-to-date figures were not available for Virginia and Maryland.

"Most people don't want to wait on the mortgage," said Carolyn Goodman, a divorce lawyer who works in the District, which has the lowest divorce rate in the nation. "It is very hard to refinance right now and many people are being forced to just stay on. That's where I have seen the change. People may think twice about getting divorced and just separate."

However, some may benefit from divorce in difficult economic conditions.

Cindy Hartwell, a divorce lawyer in the wealthy Connecticut suburbs of New York, says this can be an opportune time to divorce for the family breadwinner.

Read the entire article in the Washington Times.

Divorce Makes Women Look Older

Divorce is one of several factors now found to add years to a woman's face.

Lots of things make us old. Previous research has shown smoking causes premature aging in men and women, literally etching the aging in their faces. Other research has found that poor skin tone can add a decade to a woman's perceived age.

In the new work, researchers photographed the faces of 186 pairs of identical twins, mostly women, and asked them each a series of questions about their life habits and medical backgrounds. Four other people then reviewed all the photos and guessed the ages of each person.

Women who were divorced were judged to look nearly two years older than their siblings who were married, single or widowed, according to an article at the The Los Angeles Times web site. The research was led by Bahman Guyuron, chairman of the department of plastic surgery at University Hospitals Case Medical Center, part of Case Western Reserve University. It was reported in the journal Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery.

Only the results for women were released. Other factors that made one twin look older than a sibling:

• Sun exposure
• Smoking and alcohol use
• Antidepressant use

Antidepressants may cause facial sagging, Guyuron speculated.

Interestingly, being heavier made those under age 40 look older, but it made those over 40 look younger, Guyuron and colleagues report. Previous research has suggested that a little weight — particularly in the cheeks — looks good on people as they age. Predictably for a plastic surgeon, Guyuron said his findings support "fillers" used in plastic surgery.

For those who prefer to keep the looks they're given, perhaps some comfort can be found in the old adage "you're only as old as you feel." A study in December found that older people tend to feel about 13 years younger than their chronological age.

Read more in LiveScience.com