In divorce, put focus on well-being of the kids

Parental visitation important to building child's support system

One in four children will experience the divorce or separation of their parents, and many will face serious adjustments. New homes and/or schools, and added financial pressures are all significant factors, but critical to a child's ability to cope is the opportunity to have regular access to both parents.

Communication is frequently an issue, often resulting in wrong assumptions by one or both parents regarding their children. Frustrated parents may refuse their children access to the other parent, and/or the non-custodial parent may be inconsistent in contacts with his or her children.

Unless parental rights are revoked, denying a parent contact with his or her children is illegal — even if he or she fails to pay child support. Domestic violence or drug issues sometimes are involved. As long as a child's safety is not threatened, he or she still can have contact with a parent, even if third-party assistance is necessary.

Sometimes children become "pawns" in parental battles. As parents seek to win, their children frequently lose. By supporting their child's contact with the other parent, adults validate the importance of that relationship, and minimize the focus on their own hurts or frustrations.

Parents can't control each other, and benefit most from focusing on what they can control: their own attitudes and behaviors. When adults — even when they feel disrespected — resist the urge to degrade the other parent in front of children, they demonstrate integrity.

There may be frustration with the other parent's lack of follow-through or availability, and the pain that this causes for children. While making disparaging comments should be avoided, adults should be careful not to make excuses for parental irresponsibility.

Non-custodial parents must persist in maintaining contact with their children, even if the other parent makes it difficult or a child seems to push them away. It may feel discouraging now, but perseverance generally pays off with deeper parent-child relationships later.

Parents should respect/honor the visitation schedule — both in showing up, and by being on time to pick up and drop off children. They should avoid making promises unless they can deliver on them.

Children need structure and love. Parents should make time with them as "normal" as possible, showing that they are more than simply a "Disneyland Dad" / "Magic Kingdom Mom," who constantly entertains. Kids feel safer and grow up more confident with a healthy balance between clear expectations and unconditional support.

More in the Statesmanjournal.com.

Comments

[Scott Stadler]

How to Tell the Kids about divorce:

Have both parents tell the child(ren) about the divorce together;

All children need to be told about the divorce at the same time whenever possible;

Offer clear, honest explanations about the divorce. Avoid elaborate details of your marital problems (ie. Affairs, sexual problems);

It’s best to present divorce as a serious decision made after considerable thought, but with sadness, reluctance and sorrow for the pain it causes the child;

Focus on what will happen to each child, describe basic changes (ie. living arrangements, time with the other parent);

Know before you talk with the children what will happen next. Children need concrete details-where will I live, when will I see each parent, will I go to the same school. Predictability leads to stability in a child's life;

Assure your child he/she will be told of all major developments and changes;

Extend an invitation to your child to make suggestions that will be considered;

Stress that your child is not responsible for the divorce, but that this is an issue between the adults;

Reassure your child that the divorce does not weaken the bond between the parent and the child;

Give your child permission to love both parents;

Give your child a time frame of the divorce and expected changes;

Give your child clear sense of an established place in each parent’s home (ie. their own room, place for toys, toiletries).
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