California Divorce and Family Law

Avoid sides when friends divorce

Q: Is it OK to resume a friendship with the ex-husband of an old friend? Following their divorce all the friends took the wife's side. She bad-mouthed her ex and we all bought into it. Now I am divorced and remarried and I saw my friend's ex at their son's wedding. I felt sorry for him as he told me how rejected he felt by all of us. What is the proper etiquette in these cases? I know my friend wouldn't like it as she can be a bit controlling. Do I respect her wishes and therefore say goodbye forever to her ex-husband as my friend?

A: As a general rule it's best not to take sides, and don't let either side intimidate you into thinking you should. If you're a friend to both, stay a friend to both. But that's if the couple split because of irreconcilable differences. If there was infidelity or violence or something that caused your friend pain or embarrassment, then it's understandable if you choose to be friends with one and not the other. Even that decision, however, can backfire. We don't live with our friends and are not party to the real reasons they break up; extenuating circumstances might be uncovered down the road.

Bad-mouthing an ex is pretty standard behavior after a divorce, and it's easy to be swayed by a friend's anger or pain. Now that you have divorced, you know how it feels when friends walk away, and it sounds as if you now see the value in maintaining both friendships. In that case, you must weigh how resuming your friendship with this man will affect your friendship with his ex-wife. Time has gone by and the decision may not affect her as strongly now. Or she could still carry a grudge and it's the last time she'll call you to go shopping. Consider if she's the type of friend who plays tit for tat when she's angry. How would you feel about her hanging around with your ex-husband? If that's a problem, think twice.

If your new husband and you do decide to renew your friendship with your friend's ex, consider good ex-etiquette rule No. 8: "Be honest and straightforward." In other words, no lying about sitting with him at the football game and then acting as if you don't know him to protect yourself against your friend's anger. Stand behind the decision -- or don't do it. Finally, when being friends with both, don't be the messenger -- stay out of the middle.

From the Contra Costa Times.

The New Alone

Not long ago, I had dinner with a friend whose mother had recently remarried, to a man who had never had any children. Though she was happy for her mother, my friend also found herself bothered by a thought she couldn't shake. If her mother were to die before the new husband, she wondered, would she herself be expected to care for this man she barely knew?

My friend isn't alone in her uncertainty. Because of profound changes in how Americans organize and sustain -- and often break up -- our families, our nation will soon confront a never-before-seen shift in how we die and whom we'll have around us when we do. And the likelihood is that on every level, we will be dying much more alone.

Reduced birth rates, widespread divorce, single-parent childbearing, remarriage and what we might call "re-divorce" are poised to usher in an era of uncertain obligation and complicated grief for the many adults confronting the aging and dying of their divorced parents, stepparents and ex-stepparents. And compared with the generations before them, these dying parents and parent figures will be far less likely to find comfort and help in the nearby presence of grown daughters and sons.

"Children of Divorce Care for Parents Less" read the headline of a UPI article last September that reported the results of a study revealing that divorce predicts a significantly lower level of involvement among adult children in caring for their aging parents. The study's lead author, developmental psychologist Adam Davey of Temple University, contended that it wasn't the divorce itself that led to this estrangement but rather "what happens afterwards, such as geographical separation."

But in a study of grown children of divorce that I conducted with sociology professor Norval Glenn at the University of Texas at Austin, we found that the divorce itself has a lot to do with how parents and children get along. The grown children of divorce in our study were far less likely to report that they had gone to either or both parents for comfort when they were younger. When they grew up, they were more likely to have strained relationships with their fathers and mothers. Most of the 18- to 35-year-olds in our study still had relatively young parents, but some had already confronted the illness and death of one or the other of their divorced parents. They struggled especially with whether and how to care for estranged fathers who were ill and often living alone, men who had done little for them but who now badly needed help from, well, someone.

Read it all at the Washington Post.

Shaq's Expenses Revealed In Divorce Court...$26,560 a month in babysitters??

Shaquille O'Neal, 35, and wife Shaunie are in the middle of divorce proceedings which they filed in September after five years of marriage.

His monthly expenses are $1.3-million a month, according to court records obtained by CBS4 news partners The Miami Herald. 

Consider Miami Heat center's monthly expenditures:

• $156,116 on mortgages.

• $110,505 on vacations.

• $60,417 on gifts.

• $26,560 on baby-sitters.

• $24,300 on gasoline.

• $22,190 on maids.

• $17,220 on clothes.

• $12,775 on food.

And the tax man gets about $500,000 a month in income taxes.

The couple has four children, and each partner has one child from previous relationships.

At $20 million a year, O'Neal is the second-highest paid NBA player, behind only the Boston Celtics' Kevin Garnett.

From CBS4.

Lessen impact of divorce on credit

If you're planning to file for divorce this year or are already splitting your assets with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, your credit is likely to take a hit.

Many people don't realize that lenders do not honor court decrees that assign payment responsibilities for joint loans. The mistaken assumption that you're off the hook for financial obligations can result in a series of missed payments that may trash your credit score for years.

This needn't happen if you safeguard your credit before you file for divorce. Consider these tips from John Ulzheimer, author of "You're Nothing but a Number" and an expert at Credit.com, a consumer personal finance site.

If you have joint accounts with your spouse, do your best to turn them into individual accounts so that it will be easier for the divorce court to split up your financial responsibilities. To do that you will need your spouse's permission, which means you're going to have to let the cat out of the bag. But taking these steps now can save you years of credit woes later.

Begin by converting your credit card accounts. People most often miss payments on this type of debt, rather than the loans that keep a roof over their head and wheels under their feet.

Next, work on refinancing your mortgage and your car loan. Granted, this is going to be more difficult, because the bank will want just one person to accept the loan in his or her name -- which may not be possible if that person's salary isn't enough to qualify for the loan. In cases like these, it might be easier to sell the car or the house, split the money and move on. That way, you're guaranteed not to have credit damages caused by a vengeful ex-spouse.

"Remember that when you're getting divorced from your spouse, you're also divorcing yourself from emotional attachment to assets," Ulzheimer said.

You would also be wise to opt out of receiving pre-screened offers for credit or insurance. A spiteful ex-wife or ex-husband may be tempted to apply for a loan in your name just to ruin your credit. Go to the consumer credit reporting industry's official Web site for details: www.optoutprescreen.com/

Finally, start planning for all this at least six months to a year before you file, or as early as possible before the divorce gets ugly. Once any problems begin, you and your embittered other half will have a hard time thinking logically. If this seems like a lot of work at the front end of your separation, remember that it will save you up to 10 years of credit-related headaches in the aftermath.

From Marshall Loeb in BND.com.

For kids of divorce, keep homes consistent

Q: I am a divorced father of a 9-year-old boy, sharing custody with my ex-wife. The problem is that she's overindulgent, and after a week in her house, our son comes home feeling and acting helpless. How do I get my ex to understand that our son needs to learn to be independent — and that she needs to encourage independence when he's with her?

A: You've put your finger on two of the biggest problems single parents face these days. First, dealing with inconsistencies between houses. And second, one parent spoiling the child. In many cases — as you've already noticed — the two go hand in hand.

Ideally, you and your ex-wife would have similar parenting goals, which you would discuss on a frequent basis as your son grows. However, as you've discovered, that's not always practical, especially if the two of you aren't on the best of terms.

The bad news is that you can't change your ex-wife. You can try to talk with her about the importance of consistent rules, but there's no guarantee she'll cooperate. And you could tell her that children who don't learn to be independent may:

• Have trouble accepting responsibility for their actions, instead putting the blame on others and never taking the initiative to change their situation.
• Lack confidence in their own abilities.
• Blindly follow others — often straight into trouble (drug or alcohol abuse, truancy, crime, teen pregnancy, and so on).
• End up as overly dependent adults, without the skills they need to be successful in their work and social lives.

The good news is that you can change your perspective on your ex's intentions. Moving from, "Arrgh, now I have to undo everything she did and start from scratch, again!" to something like, "Hey, at least my son is learning how to deal with conflicting points of view," will help you feel less frustrated when your son comes back from mom's acting helpless.

Thanks to the Vermont Sunday Magazine.

Divorce raises finance issues

Once you've made the difficult decision to end your marriage, the next step is to work out a financial agreement. Ultimately, you may need a good attorney to ensure you receive an equitable settlement, but here are some things to think about.

Many states determine the value of the retirement assets to be split based on the official date of separation, not divorce. If you separate in February 2008 but don't divorce until sometime in 2009, the courts may direct you to divide the assets (the specifics will be determined by your settlement) as of February 2008.

With this in mind, if your husband is about to get a bonus or retirement payout in April, you will benefit from separating after that date, and if you're expecting a big bonus a few months down the line, the same is also true for him.

If you intend to leave the house to your husband, insist that he refinance immediately and take your name off the mortgage. If your name is on it and your husband defaults or gets behind in the payments, it will affect your credit score and you'll be responsible for those payments, too. Don't let that happen.

Keep accurate records

Make copies of all your most recent financial statements, so there's an accurate record of all the money to be split. Long after the divorce is final, you can still be held liable for debt your ex-husband accumulated while you were married, even if it was in his name only.

Make sure you know about all credit cards that were taken out during your marriage. If you have cards with balances on them, pay them off now, and then close those accounts. If you're not able to do that, the settlement should address a repayment schedule.

Think of Social Security

Social Security is also a big consideration. If you've been married for at least 10 years, you qualify to receive half the amount of your husband's benefits when you reach full retirement age. If half of his benefits are more than all of your benefits, you could choose to receive his instead.

Even after the divorce, if your ex-husband dies, you'll be entitled to survivor's benefits starting at age 60. If you remarry before turning 60, you won't be eligible to receive payments from your ex-husband, unless that second marriage ends.

For more information on divorce and Social Security benefits, call the Social Security Administration at 800- 772-1213 or go to www.ssa.gov.

Remember, settle for nothing less than what you deserve. And here's to a new happily ever after.

From Suze Orman in the Detroit Free Press.

Savings plan distribution in divorce taxed if it's cash

Q: I am going through a divorce in which I will receive a settlement from my soon to be ex-spouse's employee-based pension plan and voluntary savings plan.

I was told I would be taxed on the pension plan distribution if I took the amount as cash and did not roll it over into my retirement plan.

Does this also apply to the voluntary savings plan?

A: Yes, if the voluntary savings plan is a qualified plan, meaning contributions to the account and the earnings made on that money are not taxed until it is withdrawn, then you will be taxed on the amount you take out as cash, says Kathy Ploch, a certified public accountant with Zientek & Co. in Houston.

The normal penalty for taking out premature distributions before the age of 59 1/2 is 10 percent, says Ploch, president-elect of the Houston Society of CPAs.

There is an exception to the penalty for distributions from qualified plans if the distribution is made through a qualified domestic relations order, which is also known as a QDRO, or quadro.

Also, if the voluntary savings plan is a qualified plan, and you take a regular distribution, the tax-deferred earnings and the tax-deferred contributions could be rolled over tax-free, Ploch says.

There are several IRS publications that can give you more information about retirement (publications 590, 575 and 939) and divorce (publications 504 and 555). Go to irs.gov to access them.

However, I caution you not to rely on your own research to make these decisions. Consult with a financial planner or CPA before making final the terms of your divorce and financial settlement. Your age, dependents and health are all factors that must be considered as you plan for a future without your spouse.

Thanks to the Houston Chronicle.

Study: Divorce affects father, child relations

A team of Penn State researchers has discovered that in families with divorced parents, the emotional distance is the greatest between teenagers and their fathers, with repercussions affecting the children into their college years.

Alan Booth, a sociology and human development professor, found that while distancing increases between children and fathers after a divorce, relationships between teens and their mothers are less affected.

Booth attributed these findings to the fact that fathers typically have less communication and contact with children after divorce than mothers, as mothers are usually awarded custody.

"Most children end up residing with their mother and are, therefore, closer to their mother," he said.

Booth explained that while statistics show fathers have become more active parents over the past few decades, they are usually less interested and involved with children than mothers are.

"Even when both parents are present, there is a tendency for mothers to be more involved with children, especially approaching and during teenage years," Booth said. "Fathers tend to be more involved when children are young while mothers tend to be consistently involved."

The person who leaves the household, typically the father, is at an extreme disadvantage in preventing emotional distancing, as they have less communication and contact with children, both of which are important aspects of parent-teen relationships, Booth said.

Laura Davis (freshman-psychology) is a student with divorced parents who experienced distancing with her father similar to that explained in Booth's study.

"I live with my mom, so obviously I'm closer with her," Davis said. "It's complicated because my dad never wants to stop by the house because my mom is there."

When the father does have contact with his children, it is often in a public setting such as a movie or a ball game, limiting the amount of affection and spontaneous interaction that can occur between the parent and child, Booth said.

"When we were younger, my dad used to call us and take us out to dinner, but we were never really close to him just because he didn't live with us," Davis said.

Not living with a child also limits the rules that a parent can enforce, which also affects the quality of the parent-teen relationship, according to Booth's research.

His study found that teens have more control over the relationship with their parents and distancing.

"Children control whether there is a lot of contact with their father or a little," Booth said. "If a child doesn't show much interest and a father isn't getting much positive feedback, contact and communication may suffer."

The gender of the teen played no part in the trend observed by Booth; sons were no more likely than daughters to become distanced from their fathers.

"Same-sex bias does not seem to show up in these divorce studies," Booth said.

Read more at the Daily Collegian.

                           

Court Tells Man, Stop Blogging About Your Divorce

A Vermont divorce has turned into a free speech debate, reports The New York Times:

The husband, William Krasnansky, posted what he calls a fictionalized account of the marriage on his blog late last year. His wife, Maria Garrido, complained to the judge overseeing their divorce, who ordered Mr. Krasnansky to take down "any and all Internet postings" about his wife and their marriage pending a hearing next month.

Mr Krasansky claims that this amounts to censorship before publication, a rare violation of the First Amendment. The case is stirring up a major discussion about just what level of online disclosure is permissible under the law.

We believe he should have the right to say whatever he wants and his ex-wife should have the right to sue him for defamation if he says anything on there that is clearly damaging and clearly about her. The judge was out of order in demanding he take down the blog without a hearing.

But have you seen the blog? Omigod. First of all, it's called "LookAtMyPugs's Jurnull." That title should be illegal.

Here's a sample of the "fictional account" contained on the blog:

"What is love?", I hear you ask ... If ever there was a Question For The Ages, that surely is one ... And, since you did ask, Dear Reader, I'll tell you ... Love is that state of Grace in which the happiness of another person is essential to one's own. And love, Dear Reader, is realized and made manifest through acts. And yet there are those who, tragically, are incapable of happiness.

Then it becomes a swirling mass of legal claims, lost money, belittling remarks and photos of two (adorable!) pug dogs. We've witnessed some acrimonious divorces in our time, but this is one bitter divorced guy:

In summation, it can be fairly stated that I did everything both necessary and possible to effect both the pursuit and the furtherance of Ms. Incompetent's client's goals and "life-long dream," that I did so with same ardor as if I had been in pursuit of my own goals and my own "life-long dream," and that I whole-heartedly, selflessly and without reservation supported Ms. Incompetent's client in her pursuit of her goals and of her "life-long dream," regardless that she had already once filed for divorce and regardless that so doing, as noted previously, required I make egregious sacrifices, including but not limited to leaving the city where I had made my home for a quarter of century, this being, at the time, over half my life and, in so doing, that I leave a land where it literally never snows and where the climate is mild year-round for one where the climate may be fairly characterized as semi-arctic for four to five months out of twelve.

Yowza. We don't know why the ex-wife is complaining. This blog seems like a really valuable thing for her. If she ever wonders why they're not married anymore, she can just click the link for a refresher course.
Read it all at AOL.

After divorce, take steps to smooth parenting issues

Many divorced couples bring residual hostilities to the table, especially in matters pertaining to their children.

Resolve to make your dealings with your child's other parent as pleasant as you can -- even if he or she doesn't.

If your ex knows how to get under your skin -- and uses this knowledge unfairly -- resolve to keep your cool anyway. One tip is to have a friend with you when you have to see your ex in person; the mere presence of another person often calms the mood.

Don't hang on to old resentments, especially when your children are present. Take time to calm down and remind yourself that the remaining connection to your ex is solely about the welfare of your children.

Bite your tongue when you are tempted to speak ill of your ex in front of the kids. The best outcome of badmouthing your ex is that your children will feel uncomfortable. At worst, it will backfire on you: Children who are old enough to understand will likely feel a responsibility to defend your ex, further complicating the situation.

The same rules of good parenting you believed in while you and your ex were living together are still important. Talk to your ex about how to handle discipline, school projects, health-care matters, extracurricular activities and other situations you both need to have input on. Compromise whenever you can.

From IndyStar.com.