Dating After Divorce

Parents Need To Heed Kids' Reactions But Not Give Them Too Much Power

The cellphone calls would start a couple of hours after she left. "Mom, it's 10 o'clock, when are you coming home?"

And later, "Mom, where are you now, Mom?"

When Anita Garvey started dating a couple of years after her divorce, her teen daughters said they were happy for her, but even so, it wasn't easy on the kids - or Garvey.

"It was almost like I was a teenager. It was like a role reversal," said Garvey, who was divorced four years ago. It was perhaps made harder, she said, because she had been an at-home mom for most of her children's lives, leaving the house to work only six years ago.

"They were used to having me 24/7," said Garvey, of South Windsor. "Working was a little hard for them to digest, and then divorce was hard for them, and then when I started dating, I could sense they felt me pulling away."

Finally, one of her daughters said, "Mom, you know, I'm not liking this too much."

For parents who are navigating the dating scene in search of a new partner, the process of parenting while on the prowl is delicate at best.

The challenges for a single parent range from the practical - finding the time, a sitter and a date - to the complex: gauging whether you are ready for a relationship, what your child's emotional reaction is, whether the date has long-term potential. All of this may make it seem easier to simply wait until the kids are out of the house.

But even then there can be problems - twentysomethings have been known to dislike mom's boyfriend as much as 12-year-olds - so it's probably worth proceeding when you feel you're ready, experts say. With 25 percent of families with children in homes run by single parents, according to 2006 U.S. Census Bureau figures, you'll have plenty of company.

So here is some advice from experts and parents who have been there.

First, make sure you are ready to date, said Donna Ferber, a licensed professional counselor in Farmington with a specialty in life transitions and author of "From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman's Journey through Divorce." If a marriage ended in divorce, Ferber said, "It's good to take the time to learn what went wrong before anesthetizing with a new relationship."

Priscilla Dunstan, an Australia-based specialist on communication with children - known internationally as the "baby listener" - and a single mother herself, suggests setting up social and recreational times with friends from the beginning. This gives you social support, while also getting your children used to the idea that you need time for a social life, too. This way, Dunstan wrote, in an email, "when you start dating ... your children won't feel that your date is taking up their time with you, it's just a regular night out."

If there's one mistake that gets made too often, according to Ferber, it's introducing children to a partner before the child is ready or before the parent knows whether the person has much potential for a stable relationship.

"The child may not be through grieving," said Ferber. "The parent may feel like this is something new and exciting, but their child may not be on the same page. Their reaction may have more to do with their own grieving process than with the person.

"Secondly, if you do connect and then break up, the child experiences a loss all over again," said Ferber. Children may ask, "Did I do something wrong?"

Dale Macken, who was divorced 14 years ago when his children were ages 4 and 1, said that over the years he'd never introduce a new girlfriend to his daughters until he was fairly certain the relationship would be long-term.

And when he did introduce a date to his daughter, he'd call them simply a "friend," with the hope of having his kids treat them more casually.

"But Dad, they are `girls,' and they are `friends,' so they are your `girlfriends,'" he recalls his daughter once saying to him. "No honey," he'd tell her, "they are friends who are girls."

Macken, who lives in Bristol, joined a singles group at the First Church of Christ in Wethersfield. He liked it because he could get to know a woman as a friend first in a group setting before thinking about a romantic involvement. Macken and Garvey are now dating.

It's "a slippery slope" deciding when to introduce kids to a potential mate, Ferber said.

Read more at the Hartford Courant.