Women Increasingly Paying Alimony

The picture of equality looks awfully strange to Kim Shamsky. The 47-year-old business owner pays her ex, a 65-year-old retired Major League Baseball player, thousands per month in temporary spousal support.

He's not seeking alimony to help pay for the kids' birthday parties, since they don't have children. Nor was he instrumental in building her business. They married seven years after she started a handful of staffing firms and amassed a small fortune on her own. The daughter of a New York City taxi driver, Shamsky started her first staffing agency at age 27 with the help of a 21% loan. Not only was she able to make her first business profitable, but she's also worked furiously to ensure the success of all five businesses she's started since. Small wonder she is outraged at having to pay thousands of dollars a month to her ex.

"He used to scream and throw tantrums and demand more money," Shamsky says of her ex-husband. "It was like he thought, 'Hey, you have money, why shouldn't I?'" She adds flatly: "I will never marry again. And I'm getting T-shirts made with the word 'prenup' written across the chest."

No doubt Shamsky would find more than a few buyers for the shirts. The idea that men can receive spousal support from their wives may feel like a freakish concept, but as women have become higher earners, it's increasingly common.

And as men set their sights on women's earnings, women have become more protective of those dollars. In fact, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 44% of attorneys included in a recent survey said they've seen an increase in women asking for prenuptial agreements over the last five years, where in previous decades, prenuptial agreements were almost always sought by men.

A lot of women are indignant now that the shoe is increasingly on the other foot, says Carol Ann Wilson, a certified financial divorce practitioner in Boulder, Colo. "There's this sense of, 'What's yours is ours, but what's mine is mine,'" Wilson says. "My first response to that is, 'All these years we have been looking for equality; well, this is what it looks like.' I think women get angrier about having to pay than men do."

The ordeal has been played up in gossip magazines and tabloids, which have closely followed countless examples of celebrity breakups in which men have sought, or have threatened to seek, spousal support. Teen idol and crooner Nick Lachey reportedly requested the right to seek spousal support from ex-wife pop singer Jessica Simpson last year. (Lachey is seven years older than Simpson and reportedly worth significantly less.) In another splashy case, Hardy Boy Parker Stevenson sought $18,000 per month from actress Kirstie Alley when they divorced, just to cover the rent on his Bel Air home.

But Wilson emphasizes that it's not just actresses or the wealthiest women who are seeking prenuptial agreements or paying spousal support. "I've seen thousands of clients," she says, "and almost every time I've seen a stay-at-home dad seek alimony, the wife--she's usually a software executive--goes ballistic."

Some women find it's not a battle worth fighting, according to Cheryl Lynn Hepfer, the Rockville, Md.-based president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Hepfer says she's seen women who have happily chosen to pay off their husbands in an effort to maintain their sanity and keep the peace.

"I once represented a wealthy woman who had the wherewithal to pay $6,000 a month to her husband--and this was probably 10 years ago--so she paid him," Hepfer says, adding that the client also gave her ex the boat and the house on the water. "She wasn't bitter about it at all. She was a business woman, and for her, this was a business decision." Hepfer says she did it to preserve the relationship with her former husband and their two children. "She knew it would be beneficial for the kids."

Just as some women object to men's request for spousal support, some men are particularly uncomfortable seeking it. Either they find it emasculating to ask, or they find the idea of receiving an allowance from their ex-wives humiliating, according to divorce attorneys.

"The fact is that you still don't see too many cases where men seek alimony," says William Beslow, a divorce attorney in New York City. "One reason is that although women may earn more than men, they often wind up with custody of the children, and when a woman takes up primary responsibility for the children, men don't request maintenance."

Some men avoid the embarrassment by seeking a bigger bite of the marital assets instead of asking for alimony. Not only do lump-sum payments save them the humiliation of accepting monthly support, but they also reduce the ex-husband's taxes, since spousal support payments are taxed, while assets are not.

On the flip side, in those situations when men receive assets, women lose their tax benefit, because spousal support is tax-deductible, Hepfer notes. The upshot: Even if it's easier to settle with one swift payment, consult an accountant first to learn the tax consequences. It may be better for you financially to pay alimony.

Kim Shamsky admits she's angry about paying her ex-husband spousal support mostly because he's a man. After all, men are supposed to be breadwinners, not bread takers.

"A real man just wouldn't do this sort of thing," she says. "Maybe it's my Italian upbringing, but I don't think it's right."

Right or not, as women's earnings grow, so will their financial responsibility during divorce. That's equality for you.

More about this topic from Forbes.

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[Diane Coles]

I am also a woman paying alimony. Here is my story.

What? I have to pay him alimony? An inside look at the surprising truth about California divorce laws

By Diane Coles

Here I sit, not for the first time during the past few months, alone in my office and fuming. My divorce lawyer recently told me I must pay alimony to my ex-husband.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” I reacted. He wasn’t. Hopefully my story will help others who might find themselves in a similar situation.

I can’t help but ponder the irony. My mother, who raised five children by herself in an era when few shared her plight, never received a penny from my father in alimony or child support. Not one penny. Now I am forced to pay alimony to my ex, even with no children involved. What happened?

California Schemin’

Here’s how it works. State law dictates that if an ex-wife earns more money than her ex-husband, the ex-husband is entitled to a divorce settlement that includes her retirement contributions, alimony, and a settlement from her home—regardless of whether or not she owned the home prior to their marriage. In contrast, the ex-wife is not entitled to much from her former husband if he does not own anything. Essentially, the ex-wife is penalized for being a successful woman; the ex-husband is rewarded for being a loser.

In my case, soon after we married, my ex-husband decided his job was too stressful, so he took a buyout and retired early. I continued to work and moved up the corporate ladder. My ex stayed at home and occasionally worked part-time.

After eight years, I ended the marriage. As my ex was moving out of the house—the house I owned long before we ever met, he announced that California law states he is entitled to "live in the lifestyle that he is accustomed to." “Yeah. Right. Fine. Goodbye,” I responded, ignorant of the full implications of the California divorce laws.

Now that I know the truth first-hand about the divorce laws in this state, I ask you: Will I be living in the lifestyle to which I had been accustomed after I pay my ex-husband all the money the system dictates? Hardly. I’ll be broke! And there are no children involved!

My Mother’s Story

Why is it that a professional woman may be forced to pay alimony, but my father never did? Because the divorce laws that were created to help women like my mom obtain child support and alimony in the 1960's are now harming successful women and men in the new millennium. Back in 1966, the system didn't always work for married women who divorced deadbeat husbands. Forty years later, the system still doesn’t work: instead of helping single women with children, it rewards lazy behavior—on the part of the man or woman—and benefits those who do not work but are capable of earning a living.

For a passing moment, I entertained the idea of quitting my job, selling everything and moving out of state. After all, it worked for my father. But it’s not in my nature to run away from my problems. Besides, with modern technology, I’m sure the court system would find me. My dad, on the other hand, benefited from an archaic system.

Role Reversal?

When I tell my story to men, I get two reactions. Most men are outraged that a grown man would take money from a woman. It is not proper masculine behavior, they insist, saying,“he should be ashamed of himself.” But some men are elated to learn that, finally, a woman is going through what men have experienced for decades. I’m not one of those women who take men for a ride and I never will. No man has ever supported me. All that I possess I’ve earned on my own. Besides, I’ve always been on their side, at least on the side of responsible men. I’ve never thought the system was fair to men who are forced to pay alimony to childless ex-wives who are capable of earning a living.

Now the roles are reversed and women are experiencing the sting of unjust alimony. My lawyer actually told me, "I am talking to you like I talk to all my male clients. Unfortunately, you are the man in this case and he [my ex-husband] is the scorned woman."

With many women currently earning more than their husbands earn, I'm sure that there are plenty of others in the same position as me.

Is paying unjustified alimony a fallout from the women’s liberation movement that no one considered beforehand and no one wants to talk about now? Women still don’t earn the same wages as men and the Equal Rights Amendment still hasn’t been passed. Yet women are now ordered by the courts to support men who are fully capable of working. Are we better off now than we were 40 years ago? Or, are we simply burdened in different ways?

Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for the women’s liberation movement on some levels. It is because of my older “sisters” that I have a successful career and an education. My mom was an activist in the ’60s and we attended many protests together in support of the movement. My generation is the first to actually offer women the choice to work or stay at home. I chose to work and now I am paying the price for success.

Unlike my father, there are good men out there who have been paying the price of unjust alimony for years. Successful women are now feeling their pain. A few years ago, while accompanying a friend to divorce court, I met an executive female whose husband was taking her back to court for the second time to increase his alimony payments. She just received a big raise and the California court system increased her deadbeat ex husband’s alimony. Imagine that! As I said earlier, the system rewards lazy behavior and penalizes hard workers.

Now what?

Times have changed. It’s time for the divorce laws to likewise change so that neither a man nor a woman is forced to support an ex-spouse who abuses the system and is fully capable of working. Men have been trying to change these laws for years. The divorce system is horribly out of balance. Maybe now is the time for both men and women to work together to modify the system.

Correcting the unjust divorce laws will take time. For now, I would be happy if the courts would allow me to give my mother the alimony that I must pay to my ex-husband.

# # #

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[man]

Ha-ha! It's about time you women pay up! You wanted equality, here it is! It's about time